Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

17,208 Members
157,194 Posts
12 Online
Mental Health
/ Depression Support Group

Heroin just took my crushes life...

amethystsky213
amethystsky213

...and to make it even more complicated, he is my boyfriends brother (lets call him K). I know its bad please don't judge and if your going to say something negative just don't comment at all. Ok so I am 23 years old and me and my boyfriend (lets call him M) have a baby son together. I just feel like everything was rushed and I was so young. Before I had my son and before I even knew his brother was doing drugs, I snorted cocaine and then later I found out I was pregnant. I stopped doing cocaine once I found out but shockingly, K relapsed. Then surely, I developed a crush on him. As of September, K passed away. I even feel like he liked me, I mean I will never know for sure and Its not like it would of happened anyway but the signs were there, of course I ignored the signals he gave off because out of respect for M, I couldn't get in between 2 brothers. Well the energy that was there just felt so much stronger than the energy with my bf. K would try to joke with me all the time but It seemed so much crush-like, he would grab my homework, he would take my drink and hes much taller than me so he would try to get it out of my reach. The last time I saw him I was walking down the steps to leave the house (K and my bf lived together) and I turn around and K was behind me I remember that I was in a mood and well i didn't mean to say this but i did it just came out without thinking it kinda just slipped "im gonna hit you too" thats what I said to K and I heard a deep voice "ooohh" coming from him. I didn't mean it in a hitting on him kind of way, till this day i dont know why I even said that but I just cannot get him out of my mind when all I desperately want is for him to leave my mind because I feel so awful for liking my bfs brother I really do but It really hurt me to hear about his death and all I think about is K. What can I do about this? 

Community LeaderWanderingVet
WanderingVet
hmmm. this situation is kinda messy. K is gone, and you are with his brother who is the father of your child. The child deserves the best ... which is at the very least a Mother and a Father .... but it seems that things are just not right between you and M. I am more worried about the child than anything else.

I hope you can live a long and loving life with M. I say HOPE.

And drugs? Not good for anyone .... ANYONE .... I hope you and M realize that and regard it as the garbage that it is.
OlderCPer
OlderCPer
I'll be honest, its a little confusing, you speak of things like someone younger than a 23 year old. At this point your most important thing should be your child. Yes you can grieve for your lost "friend" and that's what he was. You can figure out whether the relationship between you and your M is a relationship that needs to be and will be the best for your child. Then you can focus on making your life all it can be so that your child can be at that your son can grow to be everything that he can be. He needs a mother who's focused on him and teaching him how to grow to be a good man, good member of his community and an educated man. If that has to be as a single parent, so be it, if it can be as part of a team of parents, all the better.

The drugs need to stop, time to grow up, drugs are just a waist of time, energy, money, life. I would think you've seen the loss they can cause...
amethystsky213
amethystsky213
Thank you for your non judgemental reply. I do not do cocaine anymore I never had any cravings and I stopped at the right time. my bf only takes pills for his seizures and they are not narcotics. but here lies another problem. M loves our son and I see it but I havent even had 1 day to myself away from our son since the moment he was born. I don't resent my boyfriend any other girl would be throwing a fit but I dont have it in me to do that. Also the fact he never took me on not 1 date the whole time we were together broke me and I slowly started losing feelings. All he does is stay in the house and it bores me. I only wanted my relationship to be good but its just not there.
amethystsky213
amethystsky213
I did mention that I havent touched or even seen cocaine since before I even knew I was pregnant.
Restful
Restful
Before you break up your family, maybe try couples counseling with your boyfriend. It’s devastating to a young child when his parents separate. Put you child first right now.
Ghostdancer
Ghostdancer
It’s no crime on any level about what you’ve shared and nothing on you but as a member of the human race I’ll share my two cents anyway. Big differences between my generation and my kids generation more kids living in the shadow of some significant person or people experiencing a tragedy or traumatic event. Then add to that the younger age of marriages but the inability to support a family as a parent. No ones fault the economic system takes a hit and you’re that lucky age group hit hard too. Let’s all take it a little easier on each other and respect ourselves too. Just be mature enough to consider all involved and make an informed decision that reflects that maturity. Oh and you showed strength to share this and be ready for whatever the opinions of a sometimes cruel uncaring world. Blessings
OlderCPer
OlderCPer
Nobody said anything "uneasy" to this young girl, just honest true to life advice. Nobody judged her or said anything mean or untoward or disrespectful. Its a little disrespectful to infer otherwise. When people ask for advice its a disservice to them to just preach "fluff" and not give them helpful advice. Advice that can be given directly without all the cuddly air that some think have to be delivered with it.
OlderCPer
OlderCPer
Amethystsky, nobody hear can tell you exactly what is or isn't the right thing for you to do...you have to decide that. If your relationship is worth fighting for you know that better than us, we don't live it every day. If its not, then you do what you have to do to be the best Mother you can be to your son. We saw that you'd said you haven't used drugs since you were pregnant and that's great, but you just lost your friend to Heroin, and any responsible person, is going to address the drug issue in relation to what's the most important thing in your life right now and that's your child.

Personally I can tell you that when your grieving the loss of someone its not a great time to make serious life decisions. Right now your emotions are all over the place and letting them settle might be a good idea before you make a decision that will effect you and your son. I can't tell you what is the best thing for you to do. You have to think about your circumstances and figure things out.
amethystsky213
amethystsky213
I realise that I am immature on so many levels hence the reason that I had a baby in the wrong time in my life and never thought of the consequences of my actions but right now I just need direct advice without being reminded of my wrong and immaturity. Im trying to be a better person and unfortunately it cant be done overnight and I can only take it little by little day by day. I know you didn't mean no disrespect and I actually respect you for that and I thank you for the advice that you did give. I'm stuck in this awfully dark time in my life when all I am trying to do is improve myself and do the right thing. I stopped my cocaine use and I am being a mother. I don't go out ever anymore but I just keep getting knocked down in my life. Im trying to find the light to be able to move past all the bad but its hard when every time I turn around bad things just keep on happening in my life
patti22
patti22
The heart does what it does.

Fact is that maybe you're young, but...you handled yourself with class. (You didn't act on your crush.) So maybe start with giving yourself some credit?

Some with the coke. More people have done drugs than you'll ever know, but you put your kid first and did what had to be done.

So that's 2 for 2.

Not too bad for someone your age.


As for dealing with grief. It's not easy. If you're religious (I'm not), one of your first stops might be to schedule a meeting with your religious leader. Even if you don't belong to a church, they will sometimes offer you literature to read. It might also be comforting to attend a service, even if to just sit in the back by yourself. Many churches have childcare or you could leave the baby with his father.

Sometimes hospitals also have grief groups. If he died in a hospital, maybe you can call there and see if you can attend a group? You don't have to explain that he was your "crush", it's enough to say that you feel bothered by your last words to him.

Classically there are 5 stages of grief (I have some issues with this, but it's a good place to start).

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

If you have insurance, sometimes they will have grief groups that you can join. Call your health insurance and ask. Same with if you're being treated by a doctor.

Some people get comfort from symbolically planting a tree or something (I kill all green things...this one's not for me either), but it's something to think about.

Best of luck, give yourself some credit here, and hug that kiddo of yours...I bet you're a GREAT mom,

Patti
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • -epanoui-

    I just need to get this out of me

    Posted by: -epanoui-
    Last Reply: AnnieToman
    5
    My family is emotionally abusive, and has been for a long time. I left them to go to college and once I was away from their toxicity, It took me a few years to heal, but I eventually found myself again. I identified the situation, accepted it, forgave them and moved on.Because of this, I rarely visit my family, but the few times I have since I graduated have been awful. Every time is a cycle of...
  • dropency

    wanting to move forward..but how?

    Posted by: dropency
    Last Reply: patti22
    1
    Some days are better than others..but on days like this I am left feeling angry. Is it okay to be angry? Is it okay to want your abuser to endure the same things they did to you? Does it make me a bad person? I know violence is never the answer, but on days like this I want him to feel the same feelings he made me feel. How scared I was, how hopeless I was, and just that gut wrenching feeling of...