Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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Kuno78 08/07/2012

God I am so fucking pissed off as I just typed the longest post in the world just to have it not show up due to lowsy connection.

I am in a psychotic amount of pain. Also nauseous and dizzy. I really don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I am psychotic but I am always in tremendous pain and nobody seems to get it. And, I am constantly being pushed while in excruciating pain. I feel like I can't even do jack shit or live my life I am in so much pain.

I'm sure part of it is endo related, such as the throbbing headaches, nausea, stomach and lower back pain. But, why do I constantly have severe neck, shoulder, and upper back pain? Why do the insides of my arm right below the wrist sometimes ache? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

This 'vacation' is turning into the nightmare I expected it to be. The first two days involved driving cross country in a truck cramped up while in PAIN. Day three involved the family all working while I was stuck babysitting my niece while in PAIN. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending some time with my niece and seeing her, but I am in PAIN and do not need to be the only one watching a three year old while hubby is upstairs working. Also, although I love dogs, I do not appreciate a stray that was picked up (a german sheppard) jumping all over me while I am in PAIN! Yesterday involved driving another two hours to the lakehouse. The whole fam is here and the house is set up so that I am stuck in the back. I get to share a bathroom with everyone else and I can't get to the kitchen to get something to drink without waking everyone up. Our bed is in the very back upstairs. The room in front of us consists of four beds where the majority of the fam is. Kitchen is downstairs.

I want to cry, but I don't want the fam to hear me. I feel trapped and if I leave the room I am going to have my niece jump all over me. No privacy. No relaxation. Don't want to go in a boat while nauseated. Don't want to not go in the boat to possibly get stuck inside babysitting again. I am trapped 1200 miles away from home and feel like I am dying. I feel like a buzzkill but at the same time, it doesn't seem like fam, with the exception of my niece and older brother, have any desire to converse with us. I worked my butt off making a family tree for mom whom I don't even think is interested in seeing it. What is the point of my existence again? Oh yeah, to be miserable and in PAIN!!!

Kuno78 08/07/2012

Fuck. I am balling my eyes out and can't have fam hear me.Can't go out and have them see me like this. Should have stayed at home. EVERY trip out to see fam is a nightmare which causes pain and panic attacks.

chloegirl46 08/07/2012

Oh boy I am so sorry you are in such agony!I wonder if it is some form of severe arthri tis or burcitis???You need to have some comprehensive bloodwork and a physical soon.It is just too hard when others are not tuned in to your pain,you need sympathy and assistance not babysitting duty.It's ok to cry you have to get it out,maybe if the family sees you crying they will snap to and help you get some relief?I can't imagine traveling that far,going in a boat,watching small children while in massive pain.I hope you can hang on until you can get home and make yourself some appointments.Of course you are having panic attacks you are under seige!The pressure you are putting on yourself to hide your condition is too great,I can read that in your post.Sometimes we break down for a specific reason,we have had our limit and need the help of others.Maybe you have reached that point and must enlist the aid of your family members so you can go on.Take care

Kuno78 08/07/2012

I've had bloodwork and physicals just to be told I am in perfect health. I suffered a lot of injuries when I studied martial arts as a teen which is where I think a lot of the pain comes from. Always had a problem with upper back problems and used to not be able to get up out of bed when I was younger because it hurt so bad. Didn't know I fractured my back until I was diagnosed with a degenerative disk a good 12 years or so later. And now, a lot of my depression stems from me not being able to practice ninjutsu anymore when ninjutsu is likely what destroyed my body.

deleted_user 08/07/2012

So what sort of pain management are you going through? Do you have fibermialga (horrible spelling..lol)?

Do you drink? I know Iknow..people hate when I say that, but if you can drink a bit, and not have the meds get all f'd up...whould you?

I know a few asprins, and a few beers take away my pain for a while. I would also talk to your doctor more about your pain. He will help you. You should also, let your husband know how much you are in pain as well.

Im so sorry your trip has turned to shit, and that your panic attacks are making you have a horrible time.

HUG

M.

Kuno78 08/07/2012

I don't have any pain management as I don't really know all that is wrong. I know a lot of my pain comes from endometriosis. I also have a degenerative disk in my lower back where I suffered a fracture when I studied martial arts. As for my constant neck/upper back/shoulder pain, I am clueless. Also clueless as to why my lower arms ache on the insides at times. My sister is completely disabled due to fibromyalgia. Still, it feels more like muscular aches and I have no pain below the waist, so I don't think it is fibro. I personally think it is old martial arts injuries that never were attended to. So, um, NEVER allow your kids to study ninjutsu. They will be in pain for life.

Do I drink? Absolutely. It's the only thing that stops the pain. I'm not proud of it, but I do know my limitations and I don't seem to be having any ill effects from it.

We leave tomorrow, but I am nervous about, once again, being cramped up in a car for two hours to get to the airport and then getting cramped up in a seat for another five hours as we fly home. Apparently there is a stop in another city somewhere with an hour wait.

I want to be back on the east coast, but also not looking forward to going back to work either. At least i'll have four days to rest HOPEFULLY as long as I don't have to clean up the house.

Juice 08/07/2012

I get a lot of pain in my arms, wrists, shoulders, neck, back and legs. It gets worse when I exercise, sit in a cramped position for too long, sleep in a different bed or do too much manual work. Mine is partly down to Poly-arthritis, but a lot is due to a spinal injury I had (T3, T4) 24 years ago. The only way I can cope is by restricting what I do, taking Diclofenac and seeing a really good physio.

There's no shame in telling your family you're in pain and need to rest, and if they don't give you the support you need then shame on them. The lower arm pain in particular sounds like a nerve pathway associated with your upper spine. Muscle pain can also come as a result of nerve compression as you position yourself awkwardly to try and relieve it.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Try feeding your niece some herbal sleep remedies or tie her to a rope and tell her she's a horse and you're training her. Tie it to a stake in the ground and get her to run round in circles until she sleeps.

Kuno78 08/07/2012

Well, I actually did manage to go out and have a little bit of fun. Went jetskiing and swam for awhile until my back and stomach just got to be too painful. Back inside planning to take a nap.

heretic 08/07/2012

I'm in pain too, but my pain comes from not having any family at all.

gramybear 08/07/2012

The next time you are hurting that bad, please feel free to meebo me, or send a message and we can talk that way. I know what you are going through. I don't mean that I think I know what you are going through, I DO know. I had endometreosis for a very long time, now I have 3 chronic problems with my back, Fibromyalgia, arthritis, and I could go on. And the pain in the muscles is very painful. Especially in the top and bottom of my legs and the inside and outside of my arms. I wish I could do something for you but all I can do is let you vent at me, scream, whatever you need to do. I have been there so many times, it's ridiculous. I spend a lot of time crying too and screaming in my pillow. I also throw things around my room that are non breakable. I'm not going to tell you to hang in there because there isn't anything anyone can say when you are hurting that bad, nothing. I can say that I know how you feel and I'm here if you need me.

Kuno78 08/07/2012

Thanks Grammy. Just woke up to a panic attack, but i'll try to work on the family tree to get my mind off of everything. The pain is ridiculous and the nausea and dizziness certainly don't help either. It also causes a bit of disorientation. NOBODY should have to go through the sort of pain endo causes. As you probably already know, my sister developed fibromyalgia due to endo. She claims it was due to Lupron, but she also has stage 4 and hemmorhaged during surgery which could have also caused it. Afraid I am turning into her as she is completely disabled. This pain is so bad that I have woken up screaming before. Tylenol is not working, so I am clueless as to what to do.

Kuno78 08/07/2012

Juice- Do you think a degenerative disk in the lower back can radiate pain to the upper back and arms? I think you may be on to something.

Oh, and apparently the little one LOVES to swim, so i'll just throw her in the lake.

Kuno78 08/08/2012

This is getting crazy. Still in a lot of pain. Today we leave, but the trip is going to be much longer than I thought. We leave at 1pm and need to be at the airport at 5. Our plane doesn't land until midnight. Since when does it take seven hours to fly from Kansas City to Baltimore? Should have brought some oxycodone.

Kuno78 08/09/2012

Made it home. I'm upset as the rest of my 'vacation' will be spent getting a car loan, looking at cars, doing freelance artwork, etc. My head honestly feels like it is in a vice it hurts so badly. I truly am on the verge of a nervous breakdown and no matter how many times I say that I really just need to relax at home and do things that I enjoy such as geneaology and drawing and perhaps reading a good book, there are still chores that I can not get out of doing as they simply are a necessity. I can't exactly go and visit my sister in a zipcar unless I want to pay a good 120 bucks or so. Getting a vehicle is very important right now. I need to find a way to stay at home and just freelance, but I get my insurance (my abysmal insurance) through work. What I need to do most of all is get a different insurance plan and get the hell out of where I am working now as my body is too much of a mess to tolerate it.

My sister is literally scaring the shit out of me. She is very sick, drugged up and delusional. It would appear that she has low cortisol and is now undergoing treatment for this. She mistakingly believes that this treatment is very dangerous and may cost her her life. Even if she were to have Addison's, treatment is very effective and of little if any risk. She has been sending me e-mails about how she is afraid she is going to die and not grow up to see her kids have children, graduate from college, etc. She is even talking about how mom would handle losing a daughter. The truth is, nothing is wrong with her to cause her to have her life in jeopardy. Endo and fibromyalgia is not going to kill her. Nor would Addisons if it is treated. She does have a cyst on her adrenal gland which I am sure is causing all of this and i'm sure it's removal would cause her cortisol levels to even out. What COULD kill her is the ridiculous cocktail of medicines she is on. THIS is what is making her sick. Every time she has landed in the hospital has been medication related. She is on Methadone, Oxycodone, Zanaflex, Xanax, Adderal, Ambien, Cortisol, and who knows what else.

Can this nightmare please stop already?

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