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....on someone else's birthday. I've mentioned this to a few of my friends here, and I think I kinda see what happened, but...I don't know, it's not making sense to me. So I'm going to put it out here, and anyone who wants to comment can.
My mother's birthday was the other day. We'd already had plans to make it a sort-of catch all celebration with her, my younger brother and sister (their birthdays are all in the span of a month). There were some scheduling conflicts with getting everyone together (we couldn't get a hold of my sister's fiance or my older brother), so we got who we could and went out to dinner with an exchange of gifts following.
Should be a happy occasion, right? It was...and it wasn't. Dinner itself was uneventful by comparison and was actually a blast, although getting to the restaurant was a pain because of the usual rush hour crash on Route 1 (and it still hadn't cleared by the time we left, which made getting out even more "fun").
The problem came after dinner...and it really wasn't anything anyone did. My sister, who was a way with finding birthday cards, presented mother with a sound card. It had a cute frog on the cover, and when opened it revealed a pop-out frog with a cupcake. It also played "Happy Birthday" in ribbits.
It was cute, which is how I "should" have seen it. But somehow, I wanted to cry. I can't trace exactly how, but I remembered how I haven't exactly been looking forward to my own birthdays for several years now -- long story -- and yet now at the age of 63, my mother still looks forward to hers.
I started thinking, "Is this what it's come to...that I feel so sad that I'm dreading my own birthdays so soon?"...and that thought just dominated the night for me. I managed to make it into my room before I broke down, but then the tears wouldn't stop flowing...and sleeping wasn't coming to me either, I just felt so wired.
Does this make sense to anyone?
My mother's birthday was the other day. We'd already had plans to make it a sort-of catch all celebration with her, my younger brother and sister (their birthdays are all in the span of a month). There were some scheduling conflicts with getting everyone together (we couldn't get a hold of my sister's fiance or my older brother), so we got who we could and went out to dinner with an exchange of gifts following.
Should be a happy occasion, right? It was...and it wasn't. Dinner itself was uneventful by comparison and was actually a blast, although getting to the restaurant was a pain because of the usual rush hour crash on Route 1 (and it still hadn't cleared by the time we left, which made getting out even more "fun").
The problem came after dinner...and it really wasn't anything anyone did. My sister, who was a way with finding birthday cards, presented mother with a sound card. It had a cute frog on the cover, and when opened it revealed a pop-out frog with a cupcake. It also played "Happy Birthday" in ribbits.
It was cute, which is how I "should" have seen it. But somehow, I wanted to cry. I can't trace exactly how, but I remembered how I haven't exactly been looking forward to my own birthdays for several years now -- long story -- and yet now at the age of 63, my mother still looks forward to hers.
I started thinking, "Is this what it's come to...that I feel so sad that I'm dreading my own birthdays so soon?"...and that thought just dominated the night for me. I managed to make it into my room before I broke down, but then the tears wouldn't stop flowing...and sleeping wasn't coming to me either, I just felt so wired.
Does this make sense to anyone?
You not liking your birthday on the horizon suggests to me you feel like with each year thats gone by lately, your not happy with what youve achieved or not achieved in that year. Looking at your mum and her being happy with her lot at 63, your wondering how you feel when you get to that age.
Try to see this as a positive thing tho as it means you can do something about it.
@ Emerald66: I wish you're profile wasn't private because I think you deserve a bigger huggle than I can offer here. Between what I've conceded to friends and what you mention, I'm starting to think you're on the right track...which I find very scary, but it would almost certainly help to know.
I still think -- as I try to go to bed now (wonder what if that's going to go any good) -- Emerald is on the right track and what's happened with my past is playing a role here, but I can't...seem...to reconcile it very well...