So, if enough wasn't going on already and the holidays approaching, I got the big bomb dropped on me.  I was disinvited to Thanksgiving.  On a positive note, it looks like I am going to start back to work part time here pretty soon, so at least one good thing happened.

I'll try to make a long story short...try...in sum, I'm estranged from my family due to domestic violence. Hence the reason for lot of my mental problems.  For nearly the past decade, another family had taken me in so to speak and opened their door becuase they knew my circumstances. I had a place to go on the holidays. It was such a relief.  Problem is, they apparently had an alternate motive it seems. They are into alternative lifestyles and I am not.  I started to feel that I was being manipulated into a sexual relationship a number of times. Things got weird. It was tense and off the last few years when I went over there.  When I finally said I didn't want a relationship with this man who is my dad's age-he was really obsessed with me-I feel like they cut me off.  I've been in therapy for a while and we've discussed the weirdness, the mixed messages and strange communication.

Back in September, I got a group text saying that Thanksgiving would be held this year at 3 PM and would someone bring the pies. This was pretty typical.  Since then, I didn't hear a lot and just had an off feeling. I visited recently but people were abrupt.  Because Thanksgiving is coming up, and I was invited elsewhere, I thought I would try to confirm.  I got the meanest message this morning over text.  I texted them and said that I received the group text notifying about dinner at 3 PM and wanted to know if this was still the plan. About an hour later I got a text back denying that the original text was ever sent and that there was no plan. I mean I was in just a state of shock when I saw it.  I still have copy of both of the texts. I just didn't answer. He obviously was telling me where to stick it, and he has to know damn well the text was sent.  What pisses me off more than anything was that when he's not acting like that, he's on and off, he'll call up here and act friendly and invite me to things. When I go, he acts tempermental at the house and there is conflict and drama.

This has been a very longstanding relationship and it's been pretty hard for me to trust. After all, I went through SA in my own family as well as domestic abuse and after a while of hanging out there shit really started to get weird. I woke up on the couch one evening after dozing off and some man was standing over me breathing heavy.  My old therapist warned me off and we both started to think it was suspish and some sort of set up.  I believe I got my confirmation today that I think they are dumping me becuase I'm not going to **** his friends.  Have to be blunt.

This really is not a nice world.  I just don't trust that many people and I wanted to believe that some people were alright. Maybe some are, but I sat there crying my head off all morning. I couldn't focus or do homework or think.  In the afternoon I started to clean house and then I did my onboarding tasks for work. I was hysterical and couldn't stop crying.

I have my med appointment Wednesday with my old doc, and Thursday I meet my new therapist. My other one was cancelled by insurance.  I'll be spending Thanksgiving elsewhere and I don't know about Christmas. Last Easter was disastrous. He lost his temper when I was over at his house.

And stupidly, I twice turned down a virtual meeting with friends around Thanksgiving. I really should not cut off my other options. My head is in such a blender and I'm just not up to socializing or listening to others' issues, so I declined.  There's even been drama with that friend group and I just needed a break from that. But at least they're not lying to me.  This is going to take  a while to process, I mean a long, long while. Losing my actual family was terrible. He made some comment during the pandemic that wouldn't it be awful if now your chosen family is rejecting you too, like why even bring that up? Well now I know.  I think I hate them. Honestly I don't ever want to see them again.

When I was there a few weeks ago I thought I noticed something off, when I walked in people were exchanging glances like 'what is she doing here.' Well I was invited that's why I went. They were asking me why I was staying away-well that is why just weird crap and weird vibes.  It wasn't in my head.