Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I know it's been a long time since I have last been on here, but things haven't changed much at all. Still at work, still being promised of getting out of work, still dealing with a giant pile of shit, etc.
I'm still stuck working even though we finally got a car because the assholes at the dealership are saying that I need to have a drivers license to keep the car. In other words, they clearly saw that I only had an ID card when I HANDED IT TO THEM but they wanted to be shady assholes by taking our money then dumping this on us. Well, I failed two driving tests so far. Luckily, one of the girls handling the loan is being patient, but now I have to deal with the stress of possibly losing this car and fucking everything up every time I go out to take the driving test. Also, can't quit my job till I do so, so stuck once again in hell.
My husband is trying to be the most understanding person and he is, but sometimes he throws added stress on me without meaning to. Or, perhaps it is more fair to say that life is just throwing stress at me in such a rapid manner that I can no longer cope.
TRIGGER
I told my husband that I am constantly thinking about killing myself. He got angry, said how dare I try to drag him down when he is enjoying life, etc. I guess he doesn't get that I am dead serious. Hell, I even have a plan. So much for crying out for help. I was going to hand over something I have considered harming myself with and having him hide it before I do something dumb, but being as trying to talk backfired, I never did.
Fuck. I keep believing that things will get better and I hang in there. Then, shit just gets more stressful. For instance, Oscar is extremely ill again and won't eat. Hubby got meds and vitamins but hasn't taken him to the vet. I'm starting to believe that this is pretty much it for the poor thing. The disgusting thing is a part of me is almost relieved, and I hate myself for it. I can't even walk in my own apartment anymore as there are baracades all over the place to prevet Oscar from pissing in various spots. Not only do I have to push over a cart just to get to the kitchen (which he jumps over anyway), but now there is a giant cardboard box covering a spot in the bathroom that maintenance has been trying to fix but can't because Oscar keeps pissing on the spot. Basically, there was a leak underneath the tiles, the wood rotted, and now they need to be replaced. Maintenance can come at any moment, so no chance in relaxing around the house. Oscar also pissed on the matress and is now crapping outside the litterbox. I honestly can't walk without running into a baracade or stepping in piss or crap.
Also, although my doctors deny it, I am almost positive that the stenosis I have in my neck is causing dizziness and vertigo. They keep saying it is likely due to an inner ear problem, but I got that checked out and that is not the case. You don't even want to know how much I owe in bills for audiology tests and bloodwork just to figure out what I already know. So, lttle hope in getting my stenosis properly treated. Also was dealing with scary numbness and pins and needles in my right arm and wrist for a few days. I am petrified of the thought and knowledge that my spinal cord is being crushed and who knows if it could start crushing an artery? Keep thinking I will have a stroke due to this and even oddly wishing I would have one since maybe then people will get it and leave me alone.
Also found out I have too much Estrogen and too little Progestrin. Not getting treated for it. Also have no idea how I am going to get insurance if I leave my job. Whatever. Don't give a shit anymore.
I am really upset about the way I feel and act. I am hostile and hurt and take it out on everyone. I think twisted thoughts about burning work down and would serously do it if there were no consequences. Starting to wish harm onto others and am just disgusted at the person I have become. I feel emotionally dead and overloaded.
I'm still stuck working even though we finally got a car because the assholes at the dealership are saying that I need to have a drivers license to keep the car. In other words, they clearly saw that I only had an ID card when I HANDED IT TO THEM but they wanted to be shady assholes by taking our money then dumping this on us. Well, I failed two driving tests so far. Luckily, one of the girls handling the loan is being patient, but now I have to deal with the stress of possibly losing this car and fucking everything up every time I go out to take the driving test. Also, can't quit my job till I do so, so stuck once again in hell.
My husband is trying to be the most understanding person and he is, but sometimes he throws added stress on me without meaning to. Or, perhaps it is more fair to say that life is just throwing stress at me in such a rapid manner that I can no longer cope.
TRIGGER
I told my husband that I am constantly thinking about killing myself. He got angry, said how dare I try to drag him down when he is enjoying life, etc. I guess he doesn't get that I am dead serious. Hell, I even have a plan. So much for crying out for help. I was going to hand over something I have considered harming myself with and having him hide it before I do something dumb, but being as trying to talk backfired, I never did.
Fuck. I keep believing that things will get better and I hang in there. Then, shit just gets more stressful. For instance, Oscar is extremely ill again and won't eat. Hubby got meds and vitamins but hasn't taken him to the vet. I'm starting to believe that this is pretty much it for the poor thing. The disgusting thing is a part of me is almost relieved, and I hate myself for it. I can't even walk in my own apartment anymore as there are baracades all over the place to prevet Oscar from pissing in various spots. Not only do I have to push over a cart just to get to the kitchen (which he jumps over anyway), but now there is a giant cardboard box covering a spot in the bathroom that maintenance has been trying to fix but can't because Oscar keeps pissing on the spot. Basically, there was a leak underneath the tiles, the wood rotted, and now they need to be replaced. Maintenance can come at any moment, so no chance in relaxing around the house. Oscar also pissed on the matress and is now crapping outside the litterbox. I honestly can't walk without running into a baracade or stepping in piss or crap.
Also, although my doctors deny it, I am almost positive that the stenosis I have in my neck is causing dizziness and vertigo. They keep saying it is likely due to an inner ear problem, but I got that checked out and that is not the case. You don't even want to know how much I owe in bills for audiology tests and bloodwork just to figure out what I already know. So, lttle hope in getting my stenosis properly treated. Also was dealing with scary numbness and pins and needles in my right arm and wrist for a few days. I am petrified of the thought and knowledge that my spinal cord is being crushed and who knows if it could start crushing an artery? Keep thinking I will have a stroke due to this and even oddly wishing I would have one since maybe then people will get it and leave me alone.
Also found out I have too much Estrogen and too little Progestrin. Not getting treated for it. Also have no idea how I am going to get insurance if I leave my job. Whatever. Don't give a shit anymore.
I am really upset about the way I feel and act. I am hostile and hurt and take it out on everyone. I think twisted thoughts about burning work down and would serously do it if there were no consequences. Starting to wish harm onto others and am just disgusted at the person I have become. I feel emotionally dead and overloaded.
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
As far as your baby, it sounds a bit like Pancreatitis. That is what my mom's furbaby had before she had to put her down. She was just suffering too much and she was being selfish by keeping her alive for her benefit. The animal needs to come first. I hear a lot of self for filling prophecies in your post. It sounds like you are setting yourself up for failure and more pain and that is not what we want to happen to you.I can tell you one thing that might make you feel better and I'm not pretending to be a doctor, but Stenosis in the neck CAN and DOES cause dizziness and vertigo. I have it in my back and lots of neck problems that make my dizziness worse when it's acting up. We know our bodies better then any doctor does. Do you do anything that is done over and over with your right hand?
? You may have carpal tunnel in your right hand which is why you are getting the numbness and pins and needles. I'm not a doctor but I would mention that to him on your next visit. I also know how you feel about the Estrogen/Progesterone dilemma. I had a complete hysterectomy when I was 25 years old and the day after I was put on Premarin for the next 25 years. I finally went off of them after the breast cancer scare. My male doctor that I have just put me on 0.5 mg of estrogen but my OBGYN was not happy so she told me to take it every other day. Would you do me a favor? Would you try to think only positive thoughts for a few days at least, and see if it doesn't help your frame of mind? You have a lot on your plate but know that we care and we are here to support you, okay? Hugs. Here are a few extra hugs, I think you could use them. Right?
Secondly, I too, have a stenosis in my neck. Mine causes pain in my arms and hands and well as pain across my back. The Dr. told me that if it continues to get worse, it could affect my legs and my motor skills. The treatment for this is quite scary in itself. He said there are two basic "fixes" if you want to call them that.
1. He said they would go in and fuse the vertebrae in my neck. This would cause me to have a stiff neck and when I turned, I would have to turn from the shoulder.
2. He said they could go in with a needle, inject some type of acid to dissolve the area inside the vertebrae to open the hole where the spinal cord comes through the center of the vertebrae.
Either of these are very dangerous he said. He said if I can deal with the pain and the effects, it would be better than chancing either of these treatments. I have chose to deal with the pain and the numbness. Pain levels are different for people. I seem to have a high pain tolerance so, I deal with it, the best I can.
My Chiropractor, as present, can help with the pain but, even he stated that there will come a time when he can not help me.
It is hard to live with this but, we can make it. There are many others who are fighting worse issues than what I feel I have.
I realize these issues are hard to fight but, hang in there with us. We care and will do our best to be here and support you.
I hope you do manage to pass your driver's test. I can't believe you could lose your car. Seems a little retarded to have not made that clear up front, anything for a sale I guess.
It might make a big difference for you to get your hormones straightened out. They can really mess with your moods. I hope things start to turn around for you soon. Hugs Kelley
Oscar has diabetes along with kidney failure. Also, he is a manx which may be why he sometimes can't control his bowels. I feel like a jerk because although I want him to get better, there is still that part of me that is just sick and tired of having to deal with urine everywhere and all of this stress just to deal with him. Still, I know I would lose my fucking mind if Oscar died. He is such a one of a kind cat and is the most loving thing on earth. Just put more food out for him which he ignored. It's so odd. He begs for food, but when you give it to him he won't eat it. This is day four of him not eating anything and he is a walking skeleton at this point. Still, he is hanging around us as if pleading for help. I guess the little guy reminds me of myself in that sense.
I was told by a therapist to expect my arms going numb and having pins and needles as that is the course of stenosis. Still, I do a lot of typing and writing which I bet is contributing a bit to it.
I aced the written test. I am also a pro at parallel parking. The first time I failed is because the tester did not tell me I could straighten out the car once I backed in and kept telling me to do it over again (which I thought meant pull out and try again). Ran out of time so failed. Yesterday, I took the test in a snow storm. Aced the parallel parking. Thought I aced the reverse two point turn until I ran over the curb. Yup, it's always something.
I can't help but be angry over my husband's lack of concern. I understand what he means that I can't bring him down, but I am looking for protection and getting none in return.
I am so sorry you are experiencing all these trials. I understand. Been there, done that, doing it again. It SUCKS.
I am so proud of you that you aced the parallel parking!! And did it in a snow storm even!!! APPLAUDES, APPLAUDES!!!! (I've been driving for YEARS and still have trouble doing it. This is a major accomplishment, hon) The backing on the curb that caused you to fail the test is frustrating, but no biggie. I believe you'll get 'er done next time and get those license. I also believe you will feel so much better once you have them because you are experiencing "independence". You can go and take care of those needs and trips yourself. This is a wonderful feeling.
I can't understand why doc has you on more estrogen when you shared you found out you already have too much of it and not enough progesterin. This is puzzling. Suggest you get a second opinion. I know this is frustrating too, since you stated you already are "sinking" under med bills. Often times, I feel like the medical establishment is a "racketeer", aimed at $$$$$$$$$$.
As for your furbaby, feel only a matter of short time before he passes. I hate to say this, but the fact he is not eating, and has lost so much weight and is manifesting a clingy "attachment" towards you, with his condition, these are the tell/tell signs that death is near. I've had (and have now) furbabies with kidney failure, and have seen this same behavior manifested. I am so sorry. Encourage you to indulge in the time you have left together. I have one that is down to 3 pounds but won't "give up". She is a senior furbaby, but still moves about fairly well, considering. She does eat, but doesn't urinate much anymore, despite the excessive drinking of water. She won't use the litter either; I keep her in my heated garage and have to mop up after the deed is done, but I know I won't have this chore much longer. As long as she is able to move about I will not take her life. I am praying that she will pass without having to do it via euthenization.
I hate that you are experiencing so much frustration at work. With the sensation in your arm, I imagine it is very annoying and even painful to have to type and write with this condition. I experienced this too when I used to have to type excessively. Perhaps the new software, Dragon, can help with the typing requirement. I understand one speaks, and it does all the typing. I wouldn't mind having the software myself. But, I am not at the "need" level yet that I do that much typing anymore. However, it was being featured before Christmas for $79 and can be used for any task on the computer. My "budget" won't allow for it right now, though.
May I suggest that despite all these "hurdles" and aggrevations, that you take time out for YOU. I have discovered that my focusing my attention on giving myself little treats really does help. I have discovered that, unfortunately, most of the time, the only one and the only means of meeting my own nurturing needs is me. We have so many demands, and sometimes it is required that we "halt" the presses, forget about the messes, allow others to take care of themselves and focus on ourselves. This is not being selfish; if we don't replenish our "buckets" that are being heavily dipped from, who will? (I am referring to the book that addresses 'how full is your bucket'. It is a great read!)
I hope you feel better very soon, and that the current situation gets better soon as well.
(((Hugs)))
The antibiotics are kicking in and Oscar finally ate a good portion of food last night, yet ignored the can this morning. He gets horrible upper respiratory infections and this is the fourth time this has happened.
When it comes to work, the one thing that messes up my back is that our deli case is large and deep, and I am rather short. Every time a customer asks for something in the front of the counter, I have to strain my back to reach the item. Also, I often times get stuck pulling boxes from the freezer, which also puts strain on my back if the item is on the top shelf. Also, standing nonstop for seven or so hours is brutal at times. Feels like someone is standing on my shoulders and often the pain shoots down the back of my legs.
I'm not currently taking anything to address the Estrogen problem Just not getting treated currently.
Talked to hubby and he was understanding. Turns out he is doing what I expected. I had a therapist in the past that dealt with OCD who believed in the tough love technique. Harming myself used to be an OCD obsession that my past therapist told him not to feed. Had to explain to him that I also suffer from depression and that it wasn't an obsession. Anyway, he hid the item I mentioned. This has been an ongoing problem with how hubby tries to address my problems and how it backfires as he was taught this tough love technique by a past therapist who only caused more harm and was, IMHO, quite terrible at her job and by far the worst therapist I ever had.
Well after today, I have the weekend free with Hubby which is wonderful...as long as he doesn't wake me up at 6:30am during a snow storm to go driving :). Have a ridiculous amount of dishes that needs cleaning, plus I need to call about a new bank card. Also noticed I am low on Zoloft and need to make an appointment. Afraid I may have missed an appointment as I only see him every 3 months for medication.
Please do not give up. I to have days where I want to just give up too becasuse of the stress going on in my life. I had lost two cats due to cancer. One cat stayed sad all the time, she really didn't feel good but she was older (I got her in 1993 and she died in 2005). My other cat died a few years after. I feel overburdened with problems to the point that it makes it hard for me to trust. Please hang in there okay, that one step at a time.
If you are on DS on New Years Eve, I too will be on and I'm more then happy to talk to you. When it seems like Murphy Law and everything goes wrong, try to laugh and the devil and say he isn't going to win. I know how strong you are and congrats on your test!!!!!