I hate that at the end of the day when I'm getting ready for bed I always review my day and worry about if I have made an ass out of myself. I end up regretting things I've said or done. I know its really not a big deal because I'm just being myself but at night that jr. high schooler in me comes out and I worry about what other people think of me. I wish I wasn't so insecure. I push out all of these thoughts I have about myself. I have so much self-hate. I feel like I have learned to love myself but I don't know if it is genuine or just a lie I have been telling myself. I am definitely more comfortable with myself but if I sit back and evaluate my life I don't know if I like who I am. I can accept it. I know it won't change but I don't know if it makes me happy. I don't even know if I am making any sense. I wish I was pretty. For some reason that is always the solution to my problems. If I was pretty I wouldn't have to worry bout what other people thought of me. Somehow being pretty is going to make my life better. I know its illogical but deep down I still believe that. I don't really believe my friends like me. I feel like they just put up with me. I am embarrassed that people have to look at me. Sometimes while I am talking or laughing I consciously think to myself "I wish I wasn't making people look at my face right now" I hate regret. I hate beating myself up about the things I do. They really aren't a big deal. I know I'm going to regret staying up this late tomorrow but I don't need to punish myself for it. Damn I want to cut so badly right now. I have too many flaws. If I was pretty I could get away with more of my flaws. ahhhh I wish all of these thoughts would stop.