I will try and be brief….as possible….
I have battled depression ALL of my life!!!! (now 51…) Been on EVERY anti depressant under the sun…(I have Chronic Depression) been to 21 different mental health…”so-called professionals”…who did nothing but charge me mega $$$$$$ and use their stupid CBT techniques…(CBT is insane! It takes AWAY from your issues instead of helping them! Their theory is: “Well…you are burning up=literally---no help available…but it is drizzling rain—so focus on that…) I have been Inpatient twice---due to two suicide attempts…
I hate life and I hate myself! Always have on both counts!
One main issue is: I tried for ages to build a nice body—I worked out…ate right---had a trainer….even did steroids (which messed me up more) and NEVER could “get there”!!! Google of Greg Valentino or Ronnie Coleman….this is “the look” I so wanted….but could not get!
Since a child…I have ALWAYS wanted to look like someone else…ANYONE else but ME! I always see other guys who have “the look” and I have crap! I am ashamed to take my clothes off and shower….and even more ashamed to be seen in public with clothes on!!!! It is a disgrace and an embarrassment to have been born like this! My face is also riddled with acne scars….
You know…all other guys…. …have muscles…thick hair-----they party thru college (I worked my way thru) and when they get out..Boom! They get opportunities slung at them! The crap that comes so easily for others never even happened for me…in spite of all my wasted effort, time, and energy!!!
Every female I have been in a relationship with…I felt inadequate/insecure/unworthy…and when we would go out and I would see a guy who has “the look” I could sense she wanted him……Face is acne scar ridden----But I know my lot in life is to make others feel good about who they are
Please I do not want to hear personality matters---tried that----I have learned to accept being alone---just cannot accept why life gave me such a raw deal……..
Please no bs about "well I have other gifts" NO I do not!
Besides--I have had to suffer thru with this body---why could I not ever make it acceptable? Why do other guys attain what I NEVER could!!!!!! Heck I do not/never did want a million bucks or to be rich and famous---just self esteem filled-----but as I said, no such luck.......
My only thing that keeps me going--is I am 51 now---so my "sentence" here on Earth is at least 80% over---hopefully more!!! It will be completely over when I've reached my limit (fyi see my last journal post----)
Ive never noticed how much I complain and how angry I am a majority of the time. This isn’t who I am. I’m a lucky person? Right? So what gives me the right to be so negative all the time? I find myself saying (too often) “what did I do to deserve this?” Perhaps I actually did do something. Is this karma? I have so many questions. I was recently in a DV incident in which my life has been...
Serenity sent me a message that I just saw a bit ago. It's almost 7 here. Anyways she's been at the hospital, I'm not sure what happened. She did say she had a lot of testing done and a blood transfusion. She's in the ICU and will update us as soon as possible.Well wishes Chickpea!