I know it may not seem like it but you have so much to live for. In the future when you get through this, you may get married and have a few kids and say to yourself, wow I am so proud of myself for getting through your struggles. And your family will thank you for it to. You can get though this, i don't know you, but i know you can make it through this. You are a strong beautiful woman. You can do this :)

It's not a phase and not your fault! Please continue speaking with a therapist/counselor and know that you're a beautiful person who deserves to be happy.

Hello...Please don't give up!! Although I am a Christian, I am not here to force my views on anyone. Just know.... God loves you and you are so special to Him. I will lift you up in prayer. God is able to see you through any situation.

I am been experiencing some difficult trials for three years now and there have been times when I've wanted to give up. I keep reminding myself that God said He would never leave me nor forsake me. God will not lie. He has to honor His word. I am holding God to His word. Many Blessings to you!!!

We are supposedly all of God's children, so how could one of His do such a despicable thing to one of His? This has nothing to do with religion and, all to do with a criminal offense having been committed instead of.

Hi Tazz,

My name's Jennifer, I'm 26, and I was raped. I was at a music festival, I thought I knew the guy, let him sleep in my tent, told him no 4 times, then woke up with him trying to get inside me. I tensed up, he came and told me I "should have gone for it last night" when he'd have been able to.

I didn't tell anyone for 2 years because:
I was drunk, I was high, he was drunk and high, I let him into my tent, I kissed him, and he said that I was grinding up against him and he didn't know I was asleep. Essentially it's my fault.
I told myself that for 2 years. That I should have known better.

BUT, the truth I've come to realise, is that _he_ should have known better. _He_ is the only person responsible for his actions.

What we wear, what we say, how we act, what drugs we do or don't take, how much alcohol we drink, whether our friends stay with us or not, whether we let them into our tent willingly or not, whether we said no, or just froze and hoped it would be over soon, whether we remember it or not.......
These factors only affect whether it's us who's raped, or another woman. It shouldn't have been anybody.

The ONLY person to blame, the only person responsible, and the only person who could have not raped, is him. Only he is responsible for his actions.

But it happened. And it won't ever un-happen. You are a different person now, and there is no getting back to who you were before. But the person you are now, is a survivor. You have survived life this far, and you have survived what was done to you. You can survive the aftermath as well. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you can, because You Are A Survivor now.
You are so much stronger than you realise.

My guess would be that you're also intelligent, friendly, interesting, helpfull and talented. That anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend.

And the best bit, is that, with time, it gets easier. I don't know how long it takes to 'recover', or if that is even possible, but it gets easier, affects less of our lives.

I don't see his chest tattoo Every time that I close my eyes anymore. I can simply walk away when someone tells me i "should have" done something and the memories come flooding back and I want to rip their face off. I've stopped holding my house key between my fingers when I walk somewhere at night, and I don't sleep with a personal alarm under my pillow any more. One day I will start dating again. One day I will masturbate again. One day I won't hate the feeling of having a vagina again. I just have to learn how to do that as the person I am now.

It gets easier. I promise.

I promise.

Just hang on in there, keep surviving, and keep talking. Tell real life people. If people tell you you're over-reacting, show them this message! If they still say you're over-reacting, then be pleased for them. Be happy that they can't understand, that they haven't had negative experiences in their life that allow them to understand the pain, and the self hatred, and whatever other emotions you're feeling. Tell them you're happy them that they don't understand (that can really throw some people!).

Keep reminding yourself that the only persons actions you can change are your own. And the only person who could have changed his actions, is him. And remember that you're not alone. Rape is hugely under reported, and you almost certainly know another survivor already. We are here for you. Xxxx

Speaking as someone who also has suicidal thoughts every moment I am awake: there ARE treatments that you can seek, ranging from talking therapies, meditation to medication. Pete is right when he states that being raped is NEVER your fault. Please understand this. Try seeking assistance from a rape victim support group for counselling and support.

Happy to text offline to continue the conversation.

Stay safe,

Sushil

It wasn't your fault. You need to seek help with someone who really could help you. You're too young to bare all these. I just hope and wish you'll get better soon. Stay strong.

Thank you all for the comments. After my rape I fell apart. My major depression got worse and now all I can see is death in a way to leave. Many don't know I was raped. Many won't believe me if I told them. I try not to blame myself but even just one person to say one thing throws me off. I'm trying to stay strong but I have no strength left. All my coping methods have failed. I cut and each time I do I just wish I would die and that I won't wake back up. I've hidden my depression. Only my parents and bf know.

Sent you a message.

Sorry you have all these awful feelings. Violating someone ... rape is never your fault. Ever. It is your body and you had rights. Your parents should help you. Counselors at your school or work. There are crisis numbers..lots of resources..get the help you need. Feel better. Prayers to you

Since you're not responding, I'll just say it here. What's happening to you is your mind is saying "I never want to feel like this again". It is trying to "solve the problem", to replay the trauma of that night in a way where you prevent it.

But it can't. It knows that it can happen again. And so the infinite loop continues in your mind, giving you anxiety and making you see the world as a dark, horrible place. You cut because you rebel against the limitations of your body, which could not save you that night.

IMO there's only one way toward healing here. Not meditation shmeditation, not therapist shmerapist or stupid mind-numbing meds.

You need to give your mind a SOLUTION. So when it goes into another replay loop of that night, it could say, "there's a solution I have not tried before, and it will very likely give me a much better chance should a similar situation happen again". This will end the loop-of-unsolved-hell.

Now, how do you provide this solution? You do it by training, specifically, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu. You're so young and have so much potential!

The reason it's BJJ and not any other martial arts, is because BJJ starts you in the worst possible positions - with you lying on the ground, and another person sitting or lying on top of you - and it teaches you that you are NOT HELPLESS, and that you can WRECK THEM.

That you can STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.

A lot of the time, when someone is on top of you, they're actually in a bad position, but neither them nor you know it. Once you learn it, and how to take advantage of the flaws in their position, you can defeat a stronger untrained attacker.

Yes, in BJJ women can actually defeat men, and it's pretty common. Look at this 5"0 Asian girl wrestling with a stronger male: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnRHRCIyHUE

BJJ is a very clever system that allows to negate size differences, and by the time you reach the first belt (blue), you should feel pretty confident about your ability to wreck untrained attackers on the ground.

Here's a blue belt BJJ girl playing around with boys in a park like a tiger with prey:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJnyPLuHSIU

Notice that she has a habit of using her legs against the boys' upper body, because women's upper body is weaker, and BJJ allows them to capitalize on strength of legs instead.

Once you empower yourself this way, you will have a multitude of scenarios in your mind on how that fateful night could've gone. And you will know that you are not going to let someone do this to you again - even if you have no weapons at hand and are "seemingly" helpless.

This training will eventually remove your PTSD flashbacks. You will stop cutting. You will be able to feel joy again.

This BJJ women's self-defense trailer, "It's NEVER the victim's fault" - is aimed exactly at you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2K051yL1bY

Don't give up.

"Being raped was my fault." It's for having this irrational opinion that you NEED to return to therapy and, as soon as possible.

Rape is a criminal offense. If you ask someone to rape you then you are giving consent, thus it ain't rape, so how could you being raped have been your fault, you gave no consent did you?

I didn't know. I was dragged onto the side of the road. I was petrified I couldn't scream

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org