I wish I could help you. I have struggled with depression for 10 years now and I have been on antidepressants for most of that time. The current drug has helped menthe most. I've never wanted to kill myself, but I can understand how people get so money and depressed that they want too. I have heard many who say that depression isn't real, but off course I disagree. What has helped me the most is asking Jesus into my life, going to church and just being around people even though I don't want too. I would totally agree that people ask you to be honest, but then you get treated like your weird, or that you just make up symptoms. That has happened to me. I have friends, but nobody who I really consider close enough to talk to about my depression. I pray that you, as well as myself will be able to find people who care, I just know that suicide is not the answer. I have had 2 friends kill themselves and it was absolute heartbreak for everyone they left behind, please just pray. I will pray for you. Do you have family?

You are not alone. Some days this site tends to be more dead than others, so please never ever think it's because no one cares. There are a lot of supportive people here, and they don't want you to feel alone. They understand what you're going through. Please give us a chance to show you that.

Depression is absolutely one of the hardest things to deal with and cope with for a person who lives with it, and even though many people live with it, it's also still totally misunderstood. Mental illness in general is very misunderstood. It's hard to talk to people who are close to us because they don't know how to be neutral about it - for some people it's impossible not to be emotionally invested and sometimes that's not what we need. But, like you said, some of us don't have the resources to get professional help, so we're left trying to find help where it's available, and sometimes that leads us to finding the wrong people who don't know how to handle it, either.

I'm sorry you went through that, but you're not alone here.

Please do not harm yourself. You're still here because you have a purpose in this life, and there is still a small part of you that wants to stay, because you're still here and still fighting for hope. So stay, and let us help you.

I've been there. I called the therapist and told them I was suicidal and going out of my mind. They told me it would cost $400 to see the doctor to get an antidepressant. We need to do better at addressing mental health in this country. I did get through it. When you get to the other side of a severe bout of depression it is scary because you realize how close you were to dying. It can be really hard to see through the darkness - but, it will get better. It can get better. Please be kind to yourself.

What has you so down?

I struggled with depression since childhood. I know how you feel...almost daily I wonder what is my purpose on this earth. I take 3 antidepressants and the only thing they do for me is keep me from jumping off a bridge. You're not alone trust me

Let me try to answer in order here: Thanks for responding everyone.
Louise79 - Sorry to hear about your friends. It is hard on those left behind, and yes i do have family but feel no real connection to them. I did everything but get on my knees and BEG for help when i first became suicidal and all they have done is ignore me.
I'm happy you have your faith to get you by. I'm no longer a religious person as i cant separate the lies from the truth. Religion has sought to control me through lies and that in and of itself is counter to their own teachings..

Jeane - thank you for the kind words but unfortunately my story is long, dreaded and boring, but needless to say there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. It's all just suffering :(

Rosecandy - i wish there were more people around. I'm incredibly bored and alone. I tried to get on wireclub chatroom for mental disorders. but they didnt like me there and forced me out repeatedly until they just banned me. All i did was tell the truth and they didnt believe me or want to hear it. For a group that is supposed to help they sure blackballed me quick.

brengem - my life and lack of outcomes has me down. it's a hard life and just going to get worse. Our nation is in DIRE need of a better mental health system but i fear we will never get it because people abuse ANY programs offered by the government. I mean i cant tell you how many people i have met that are on disability because of their "anger" issues. Yes extremes can be a problem but if you are on disabilty for a decade on anger issues you havent even tried.

Kattitta1 - I have been through ALL of the SSRI's and now have been reduced to tricyclic. I'd love to try some TMS but i cant afford it and nobody will help with that.. i'd even try ECT but i cant have it because i have 2 implants.

Hope you all do better with this life than i have.. i dont understand this world

Hey sorry I didn't see your post!
Some people just can't handle the truth or understand how a place some people can be in. Fully agree with you that there needs to be more time and money put into mental health even here in Australia. It took years for me to find a doctor that would even help me so yeah i get it.
Its ok i get this world most of the time as well.

I know I will not judge you.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your post. You mentioned that you made a post 6 days ago. Are you talking about the post titled Feedback? In that post there was a website named robstake.com. I only read a couple of blogs from the documentaries from the menu.

I'm also sorry that you're alone, in pain, and you feel as though no one would listen. I can't empathize with your pain, but I know what it's like to feel alone and for no one else to listen to you. You can send me a message anytime on here on dailystrength.org. I normally check my account on here several days a week. I could try to check it every night whenever I can.

I can only lend an sympathetic ear and listen in order to help you feel better. It makes me feel better whenever I feel alone. I'm also too scared to kill myself and I think about suicide every day, but my life is completely normal. The doctors think it may be a chemical imbalance in my brain. I won't judge you. I hope you feel better

You are not alone, friend. I know sometimes it just feels like too much and that no one understands, but Someone does. "There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother", and He is there for you. Jesus Christ can help you, dear friend. And we will listen to you talk if that's what you need. We won't ignore you. Please, let us help, and let Him help too. He loves you more than anything, so much that He died on a cross to give you life. He loves you so much.

npellis, I have posted things here before that did not get replies, I know how that feels, but then a day or two later they get replies to them. I also completely understand wanting to exit this fucked up existence. I never thought about "hiring" someone, if I were going to hire someone, I would look for someone addicted to drugs to the point they will do anything for a high. I'm not making suggestions though. I'm in a really really bad place right now, I don't know if I will get out of it this time or not. It's been ongoing, nobody knows how bad it really is this time.

I join those who do scroll down to make sure nobody that comes here goes without a welcome or response. Must have been a really busy posting day on DS for me to have missed it. Comforting hugs for the pain you have felt and are feeling. We are here for you.

Well it's been a trying 2 days. On top of all the typical garbage, Yesterday i just wanted to talk to someone, but i dont have a support system.
Unfortunately my story is just too long and detailed to tell. Yes, the blog robstake.com holds a bunch of it..

I know there are a lot of people out there that need help. I wish i could find a way to generate SOME kind of publicity for our situation.. ( either depression or chronic pain ).. i did write the ombudsman at the FDA trying to get them to recant some of their publications.

They make it so the doctors are too scared to prescribe anything..

Now here's the fun one.. i go in on wednesday (i guess tomorrow) to get the medication in my pain pump changed out.
My doctor is too scared to prescribe me pain killers.. why.. well he SAYS it's because I might 'accidentally' kill myself.. the real reason is that he doesnt want to prescribe opiates to ANYONE PERIOD!
So his solution is to add a blood pressure medication to my current pain pump. This is such a great idea! because it has a good chance of killing me or at least injuring me severely. I already have low blood pressure, and i get headrushes and my vision blacks out sometimes when i just get up off the couch.. So i know.. lets lower my blood pressure more..
Why are we going through this drill .. HAHAHAHA.. because he wont listen to me.. like any other MD he thinks he's the doctor and i'm just an idiot patient who doesnt know anything. I have told him many times that i have low blood pressure.. but he doesnt believe me because my blood pressure doesnt show as "low" when i go to his office..
WELL if you take the time PAST my appt time and the time i actually get into the nurse, i would bet it directly correlates to spikes in my blood pressure. but what do i know i'm just a stupid patient.. i dont know what them ther' medikal doctorie type people do..

*sigh*

doctors are super annoying. i also suffer with chronic pain and extreme fatige. most of my "free time" is spent laying in bed. also, i was recently diagnosed with partial complex seizures. fortunately, they are really mild and infrequent. and i can tell when they are coming. to treat my described symptoms, which included fatigue and nystagmus, my doctor prescribed me a medication with side effects of fatigue and vision problems. ugh - not taking that crap.

i hope you are feeling better today.