Then you need to take a step back, look at the big picture and ask yourself if you want to stay on or get off the merry go round.

I am the depressed person in my relationship (also have GAD) and I tell my hubz to be all the time if he ever feels like my crazy wired brain/mood swings/bitch fests and everything else in between is too much for him I'll still love him for getting off the merry go round of our love.

Yes there are times it's very demanding to love a depressed person, however I do feel the rewards outweigh those. When he's feeling down/stressed I always give the same love/patience/strength he gives me, which of course is how it should be!

So I'll say it again, step back and look at the big picture...sounds like you already know what you want to do about the merry go round.

Great point GB.

I also learned to cultivate relationships with others who can meet my needs when my SO can not.

My sister is great at providing unwavering support of me when SO can't. I have a guy friend who provides the strong shoulder when I need one. And I have been known to schedule an appt with SO's Psych doc or case manager when I have no where else to turn.

Support from friends- for both of you. Depression is not a free ride to shut down in the marriage. He needs to learn to deal with his issues and if he’s unwilling you need to learn to cope with that.

I am the depressed person in my ralationship and for sure even on m worst days I show my husband as much gratitude as I can for all he does for us, the family, and will often apologize for being in such a bad space. Having depression doens't give anyone the right to not do their part in a relationship. There is no reason he can't show you the same love and support that you are showing him.

And by the way I have seen many posts just like yours over the years here on DS so you're not alone with what you're dealing with. There is also a group for supporters of depression if you want to look in to that , but you are also welcome to continue to post here and get support.

I understand your frustrations. Caring and compassionate people (of which you seem to be) is very stressful. Try to take some time for yourself. It may help to write your frustrations in

Thank you everyone. I’ve been seeing a counsellor for along time and the hard thing is, I’ve realised he has always been this shut off when he is in his mood but I guess I’ve never noticed it so much because I’ve always had family and friends around to help support me but atm I’m really quite alone. I know I have to expand my circle of support but just struggling atm .
Thanks everyone

I've been on every side of this issue and have rewritten this comment multiple times. Take what you need; leave the rest.

Depression lies. No two people have the same experience of depression. A person experiencing recurrent clinical depression may be unable to be present to you until they are released of the need to be fully attentive to a condition trying to rob them of their basic functioning and their life. In a committed relationship, we are called to commit to finding solutions together, not to be the sole solution to our own or the other person's challenges.

People generally have idealized expectations of a (any) partner in a committed relationship, of family and friends for that matter. Draw support from a multitude of sources and you will rarely be without the support you need for long. Don't worry about making good friends... join a variety of support groups, call warm lines and crisis lines, use art and writing, read books relating similar experiences etc. Risk talking to your partner in a different way and be honest about the assumptions you have made. You may find the support you want afterall but in a different way.

Most underestimate the impact of communication and the degree of its dysfunction in their relationships. A communication breakdown is never the fault of one person and sometimes is the fault of neither. A couple's therapist provides a different focus and skill set to help resolve issues within a relationship than an individual therapist, is best sought independent of a recommendation by your individual therapist, and is of benefit even if you alone attend.

What a tough spot to be in. Kudos to you for being there for him. It can be so hard to support a SO with a mental illness. Is SO in therapy? Could you check to see if there is a support group for those in similar situation to yours? It can help to talk with others who struggle with something similar. Or couples counseling perhaps? A safe place to help you process could be beneficial to you both. Prayers for peace and strength.

I'm not fond of the word "always".

I mean there are a few always situations.

We need to always breath, always not hurt each other, etc. But as for "always be supportive"...that's generally too much...for anyone.

My philosophy...4 days a week to be really supportive, two days so-so, and one day to myself. I'm not dealing with anyone depressed in my life (currently) but when I have, one day they could either turn to someone else, work on their coping skills, turn to professional help...or whatever.

One day off was good for Both me and for them.

Maybe try that, or look for some other way to find balance?

I wish you the best in finding what works for you, Patti