Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Lately I have been really frustrated with myself. I always try to present myself to the world as something I'm not and feel like I'm never trying as hard as I should and could to be that person that I want the world, and myself, to think I am.
I'm always feeding the reputation I have among my friends and family for being a really good student. I convince myself and everyone else that I work really hard, that I'm totally driven, and that I'm a really dedicated student. But this semester I have been nothing but a lazy ass. I'm putting things off, which I never used to do first and second year. I'm not putting in half the effort I feel like I should be putting in. The frustrating part is that I'm still getting pretty decent grades putting in the little bit of effort I am. I know I am capable of getting 90s if I were to work as hard as I used to and as hard as I've convinced myself and everyone else I do.. but without putting in that effort I'm still getting 80s.. which makes it really hard to motivate myself to get the higher grades. I know I will regret this when I apply for grad school in the future.
I also present myself as a good person who truly cares about others. I talk like I care about the poor and the sick and the oppressed. And I do. But when was the last time I volunteered somewhere? I pretend to be such a good person, and everyone believes me that I am a really good person, but I don't give at all. I'm always making up excuses - I'm too busy with school, I don't have money to give - and I hate myself for it at times. I know plenty of students who volunteer their time - so why don't I?
I talk like I am going somewhere in life. I have all these big dreams, these grand aspirations and for far too long I have convinced myself and those around me that I am on my way. But who am I kidding? I am in my third year of studies and I haven't got one bit of experience in my field! I feel like I haven't been trying hard enough to get government jobs, but I am always making excuses for why I haven't gotten one yet.. "they're just not out there," "it's hard to get your foot in the door" etc.. but I know that if I tried my best I could get one of those jobs. I know it. I'm just a big f*cking fake who likes to think I'm someone I'm not. I'm fooling myself into believing I have the drive and the will to get to where I want to be, and to be the person I want everyone to think I am.. and I am sick and tired of lying to myself and everyone else.
I really DO want those things I say I want. I really DO want a successful career in politics. I really DO want to help the poor and the sick and the oppressed. I really DO want to give my time, my money, and whatever else I have to give, to make the world a better place.
So why aren't I doing these things? Why do I keep putting things off? Why do I keep making up excuses for not volunteering, for not getting the jobs I need to get to start my climb up the ladder...? Where's my motivation? Do I just think I want these things because they are things I think I should want? Have I been lying to myself this whole time?
I'm always feeding the reputation I have among my friends and family for being a really good student. I convince myself and everyone else that I work really hard, that I'm totally driven, and that I'm a really dedicated student. But this semester I have been nothing but a lazy ass. I'm putting things off, which I never used to do first and second year. I'm not putting in half the effort I feel like I should be putting in. The frustrating part is that I'm still getting pretty decent grades putting in the little bit of effort I am. I know I am capable of getting 90s if I were to work as hard as I used to and as hard as I've convinced myself and everyone else I do.. but without putting in that effort I'm still getting 80s.. which makes it really hard to motivate myself to get the higher grades. I know I will regret this when I apply for grad school in the future.
I also present myself as a good person who truly cares about others. I talk like I care about the poor and the sick and the oppressed. And I do. But when was the last time I volunteered somewhere? I pretend to be such a good person, and everyone believes me that I am a really good person, but I don't give at all. I'm always making up excuses - I'm too busy with school, I don't have money to give - and I hate myself for it at times. I know plenty of students who volunteer their time - so why don't I?
I talk like I am going somewhere in life. I have all these big dreams, these grand aspirations and for far too long I have convinced myself and those around me that I am on my way. But who am I kidding? I am in my third year of studies and I haven't got one bit of experience in my field! I feel like I haven't been trying hard enough to get government jobs, but I am always making excuses for why I haven't gotten one yet.. "they're just not out there," "it's hard to get your foot in the door" etc.. but I know that if I tried my best I could get one of those jobs. I know it. I'm just a big f*cking fake who likes to think I'm someone I'm not. I'm fooling myself into believing I have the drive and the will to get to where I want to be, and to be the person I want everyone to think I am.. and I am sick and tired of lying to myself and everyone else.
I really DO want those things I say I want. I really DO want a successful career in politics. I really DO want to help the poor and the sick and the oppressed. I really DO want to give my time, my money, and whatever else I have to give, to make the world a better place.
So why aren't I doing these things? Why do I keep putting things off? Why do I keep making up excuses for not volunteering, for not getting the jobs I need to get to start my climb up the ladder...? Where's my motivation? Do I just think I want these things because they are things I think I should want? Have I been lying to myself this whole time?
hugs and patience :)
Take a small bite, chew and swallow. Eventually you'll have the whole enchilada!
I have decided that I am going to volunteer over Christmas break either at the United Way or a Homeless Shelter since I will have more time to spare then, and I am away from family anyways. Maybe that will be a good start to feeling a little less like I don't give enough of myself.
I also plan on spending a fair amount of time applying for the government jobs that I want over the break. I know it is a little early, but last year I didn't start applying til March, and then I was in the thick of exams, so I don't think I looked or tried as hard as I could have if I'd done it earlier. I will save all the apps / resumes I send out and resend them every couple of months so they stay at the top of the pile.
As for school.. I guess I will just try to get through the rest of this semester and hope for a fresh new start in January. It's my performance in school the last couple semesters that is really making me feel disappointed and frustrated with myself, but no matter how much I want to try harder I just can't seem to find that motivation right now. Sometimes I think it's because I am working part time and taking 2 classes so when I can steal some downtime I do.. problem being that I need to use that downtime to study and work on assignments. But on the other hand I often feel like I am just making excuses to justify my laziness. I really don't know how to feel about it.. I don't want people to tell me I'm doing fine if I'm really not.. I just wish there was someone in my life that actually KNEW how I have been this semester that could give me an honest opinion.