I am so very sorry that you are feeling so very low.

Yes, the odds are stacked against us in that we all will end up dead one day. But it is how we interact with one another in the time that we do have on this earth that counts.

So sorry you had to see your mother go through so much suffering. It had to be incredible hard I can't imagine. My parents are up in years and I have to think sometimes what life is going to be like for me my 2 brothers and sister one day without them. I don't know how we will manage. And losing your best friend and your baby this is all incredible tough stuff to go through. I'm so sorry for your losses. You are still grieving I'm sure and that is the catalyst for increasing your depression and thinking about your own mortality. You need time a lot of time to heal from all of this. Thank god you are surrounded by your husband, daughter and father's love. gentle hugs and prayers johnnyboy

Hello and welcome to DS.

I am sorry for all of your losses. It is hard to keep going when everything seems to be stacked against you. I struggle with the same thing. Just know you are not alone.

hi welcome and your family would never forgive you for taking the life that they love...including your father who brought you into the world years ago....just do not act on the thoughts namely take time to talk to people about them and put them into the out bucket...forget they are there then dump the trash at bedtime

Welcome to the group! I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost my brother when he was 40. My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in November, and that's been a very hard thing to deal with. My parents are my rocks, I can't imagine my life without them. But I really hope you fight the suicidal thoughts. During my low points, when I'm wishing I could just run away from everything or just quit, I think of my daughter and how hard it would be on her, and my parents who have had to go through so much in the past year and a half. They lost one child, how could I put them through losing the other?

Have you adjusted your meds recently? We've been on them for about the same amount of time, I'm sure you know that sometimes, they need to be tweaked.

Humans are freaky things. We create trajectories based upon the last three data points in our lives and draw conclusions and go ahead and make decisions ... How we manage to walk on our hind legs with the propensity to do this is boggling. :D

It's a thing though. It's the sorting function in our brains. We take all data that is like this last bit of data, and look at this giant pile. And blow our tiny little minds at all this proof that we have.

And we don't expect any new information, and we don't ever do this data sort function with the good stuff. When something's great, we don't data sort for it. We're too busy having a good time.

So if we believe in statistics, we can see our conclusions are doomed to the most appalling bias and skew.

:D I guess that won't cheer you up although it always does me. it's what I hang onto in the dark nights. But the thing is; that biplane in the sky, plummeting towards earth? Looks like it's going to crash. But no. it was all on purpose. It pulls out and does a loop the loop.

life does this. It pushes you in downward directions, further and further down. And then at the last minute, either you let go of ballast, or your mind changes gear - and you pull yourself right out and go shooting off, up and away!

Until you are God you can never know the future. In a few years you might ask yourself how much of your mother's death was her own management of it, but now I imagine is too soon to ask that sort of question. There are ways and ways to die, just as there are ways and ways to live.

Just let your life unfold. You're doing so well so far. Husband and child. Take the pressure off yourself, and let each day come to you, a day at a time,

And put on some gooey music. Right now I'm listening to Dire Straits' "Why worry?"

Music heals all manner of pain. :)

Love, positive energy, is the motivation. Love even transcends the grave. Love is how you and your mother will be reunited someday, when she appears to you in all her healthy former glory, thanks you for your taking care of her in her final days and apologizes profusely for the burden she put you through. And love is what you've got in your husband and daughter. Please try to focus on the positive and the positive eventuality. There is no death. It is only a transition phase from one life to the next.

Focus on the love of God. He'll "reclaim" you in His own good time. When you kill yourself, you're killing God who created you, doomed to an eternal alienation from His love and the love of your other loved ones. That is my belief anyway. While I think God takes into account the motivation for suicide, I think He also has His own plans, to "put" you somewhere, like job placement, where you'll be needed, and where you'll find maximum joy and fulfillment in the other side. But first you must endure the transition, the dying, the way He wants to take you. Please do not circumvent this process and alienate yourself from Him and your loved ones by taking your own life. Just be patient. He'll be there to "reclaim" you in due course. Meanwhile, focus all your emotional energy, even your anger, on God. He totally understands, believe me.

Recently I went through a similar situation with the last remaining close relative- my aunt- who was in the hospital for that last year and a half until she passed in September. It makes us feel helpless to see the suffering and pain and not be able to do more to help with their comfort. Hospice grief counseling helped put the "guilt" in perspective because that's what felt/feels so heavy (feeling guilty that there wasn't more done). Dealing with multiple losses in a short period of time is a slippery slope at best, a downward spiral for anyone suffering from depression. I have no advice or words of wisdom. Just know you're not alone in your struggles. And you're right- no one is getting out of this alive! Hang in there (((hugs)))

I appreciate all the comments. I haven't been here in several days since I have lacked the motivation to do much of anything. I still have to go to work, but I feel like I'm crawling through each day in a haze.

koolman, I wish God were something that was in my life, but I've never had that connection or the capability, it seems. I've been through all the steps and it's always the same for me. The pain never goes away and nothing in my life seems any different.

It's getting more difficult, I think. No improvements as of yet.

I understand. I have a husband and 17 year old who help me hang on. Sorry for all of your losses.

I am sorry you are going through this. It takes a long time to get over a Mother's loss (if we ever do). Especially if she suffered.
I have walked this path myself.

As usual people on this wonderful site have taken time to give you some very valuable replies. If you just take time to read them.

All I would like to add is, life is series of UPS and DOWNS.
I think you are focussing solely on the DOWNS, for now. Because Life has dealt you some bad cards recently.

Dear friend, there are good things in your life, which so many people dont have. Focus on those.
Write a gratitude journal. You will be surprised.

I will send you this great quote, though apparently lighthearted, carries a lot of meaning:

"Charlie Brown: "Some day we will all die, Snoopy."
Snoopy: "True, but on all the other days we will not."

Healing Hugs.