I've experienced a terrible depression over the last few years but I thank God that it's finally getting better. Although my level of depression has improved I'm still unhappy and I'm not content with my life. I am still depressed most of the time but it's not with physical pain in my stomach and thoughts of suicide anymore. So there has definitely been improvement in my state of mind. Now that things are getting better I want to try and help it along.

I believe I know why I fell into this almost decade long depression. I have social phobia and after many years of isolating myself from others it finally took its toll. Now that I'm getting better it's easier than it once was for me to gain control of my thoughts. A couple of years ago I was so deep into depression that I couldn't control the direction my mind would go.

Over the passed few months I've been trying to learn how my mind works. I've discovered many patterns of thought that would end up with me in a depressed state of mind if I let those thoughts run their course. The trick is to try and stop those thoughts as soon as they begin but it's not easy. Those thoughts are habits. Some of those thoughts are embedded deep in my mind and sometimes I'm not even aware they are going on. Those kinds of thoughts are difficult to stop.

Since I am a lonely person I tend to cling to people. I hate to admit that and I try to hide my clingyness from the people I cling to. Here is one of the situations that has made my depression worse; When I become "close" to someone and we talk on a regular basis sometimes that person suddenly, unexpectedly stops responding. I used to panic and imagine all kinds of things such as "I must have said something wrong! That person doesn't like me anymore! That person thinks I'm a nut and she/he might tell others I'm a nut!" So on and so forth.

Those thoughts are the thoughts I'm fighting. If I indulge in those thoughts it will result with me slipping into a depressed state of mind but I have to fight that. I want to get better. I have to tell myself that people come and go and I don't know why it happens. I can't become a detective and try to figure out why they stopped talking to me. If I do that I will imagine things and upset and depress myself for no reason. When someone stops responding I have to assume that everything is OK and that person will most likely talk to me again whenever he/she is ready. There has been no damage to the relationship.

So I tell myself "Don't try to be a social detective!" The next thing that I have stopped being is a "Social Dictator" When someone does slip out of my life I've figured out that the worst thing I could do is get angry about it. I have to be careful with myself because I am fighting a war against my own depression. My tiny brain seems to want to be depressed for some reason but I've had enough depression! When someone has seemingly obviously removed me I used to let myself feel hurt or betrayed or whatever but that is a mistake and I don't have to feel that way. If I let myself feel that way then I'm back on the road toward depression, pain in the stomach and suicide fantasies. I don't want to go there anymore

Here's an example. A couple of months ago a family member removed me from her facebook page. I have no idea why. I sent another request and my request was denied. I know I shouldn't have but I sent a nice note to her asking her why she removed me but there was no response. My initial thought was "That's just fine! The next time I see her at a family gathering I won't say hi and give her a hug. I'll just ignore her and.................. I can't allow myself to think that way. I call that being a dictator like Sadam Huisane. If you diss him, there is payback. If I hold a grudge against someone that I care about like that I will just be back on the road to depression and I don't want to travel that road anymore.

I have to give people their freedom. I don't know why people come and go but when they do "seemingly" go I have to let them go and I can't allow myself to feel angry toward them. The Bible says it best "Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." I'm working toward adopting that frame of mind and I'm sure it will help me to move further and further away from depression