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Feeling very lost and alone...

KimPossible78
KimPossible78

I relocated to another state with my boyfriend 3years ago and it has not been the best of experiences.  I haven't made any new friends, been hit with back to back to back financial issues (latest being my car getting totaled after being rear-ended) and my relationship with my boyfriend has been very rocky (we argue more times than not and I feel he is becoming very emotionally abusive to me/using me). 


My depression is now affecting my concentration for work, which I have always been able to balance in past.  But now the depression holds so tight, I just barely even "care" about my lack of work motivation and slowing speeds, all very unlike me.  I hardly leave the house anymore except to grocery store and have grown tired of trying to meet new friends or trying to rekindle old hobbies and passions (I did standup comedy in last city I lived in and this new city/state has limited to no sources for it.)  I work from home so it makes becoming a hermit very easy.  On evenings/weekends when off from work I barely have energy or will power to clean or run errands, usually just sleep or binge watching television to get lost in a story that is not anything like my life.


If I could afford it I would go see a therapist. If I was stronger I would probably breakup with my boyfriend. But alas I feel very lost and alone and not sure what to do with the bad decisions that brought me here.  I am not close to my family either, as I have always been viewed as the "emotional" child by them and have dealt with their own form of emotional abuse on me over the years.


This is the first time I have put these words and feelings out there for anyone to read.  Just trying to figure out how to push myself out of this dark cloud that is suffocating me.  

pietro84
pietro84
I am sorry you are going through all of this. You are getting hit from multiple directions, which is never easy for anyone.

Anyone who has the balls to do stand up is made of stronger stuff than most of the rest of us.

If you could write your own ticket for the next 3 years what would your life look like in 36 months?

P
sidelined_thoughts
sidelined_thoughts
Sorry you are finding yourself in a tough spot. Have you shared your feelings with you BF? If I may ask, do you have any children? My thoughts would probably be different based on kids being involved. Definitely sounds like a serious talk and decision needs to take place. Not sure what you mean about the abuse part. Do not put yourself in harms way, nor allow any abuse.
KimPossible78
KimPossible78
Hi Pietro84, really appreciate you taking time to respond to my post and your kind/encouraging words. I use to joke that doing standup was my anti-depressant, as it gave me an outlet to deal with all the craziness. I think I need to find an outlet again to help me cope and "let go" of all the stress, instead of keeping it shoved inside. Easier said than done of course, but a goal. I am going to think about your question of how I would like my life to look in 36 months, Thank you P, truly and sincerely.

Kim
KimPossible78
KimPossible78
Hi Sidelined, thanks for your reply. No kids in the relationship, just a shared dog. What I meant about emotional abuse is the way he has started to treat me the last handful of months. He is bipolar and deals with his own mental health issues. But I notice I am the one that he takes out his bad days on. I also am the butt of all his jokes, no matter how many times I voice that he is hurting my feelings with things he is saving. And when I am dealing with my own depression and anxiety, he groups it in to me just being overly "emotional" or "pms'ing". When a serious subject needs to be discussed, he avoids or arguments ensue, with his temper during those arguments increasing, to where he breaks things and calls me the most awful names. I feel like I am being turned into more of a caregiver than a partner and the continuation of this behavior has caused me to start to really evaluate if this is the right relationship for me/can anything change.
sidelined_thoughts
sidelined_thoughts
Sounds like things are on the downhill. Have the past years proven to be a good move for him? Anyone taking meds or any type of counseling? Sounds like somethings got to give pretty soon.
Mao9891
Mao9891
I'm sorry you're going through a rough couple of months in a lot of aspects in your life, I know it's really difficult to see it but you're stronger than you think. Draw a plan of what you want, start little by little taking actions towards what you want.
With your boyfriend you moved to a different city that means you're strong. However I feel no one should be in a relationship where you're being abuse (physically or psychologically), a relationship should be to grow, support each other, make each other laugh, divide the sorrows.

Hope sincerely everything starts to get better soon.

Mao
Onlythelonely
Onlythelonely
Kim, so sorry you are having a hard time. When I am going through trials I try to remember "This shall pass". It's hard sometimes to remember that, but things change, people change, circumstances change. Nothing stays the same year after year. Having said that, however, do you want things to improve or get worse? We (you) have the power to decide that by the decisions you make today and tomorrow and the next day.

No one deserves to be abused, be the butt of another's jokes and the scapegoat for others' problems and mental illnesses. If you don't have family or friends that you can trust in your area, find an agency that can help you get housing. My daughter is a mental health case manager and she does this all the time. Call the local courthouse or government office and they can direct you.

You sound like an amazing person. Remember that. And begin today to be who you want to be next year. "Courage isn't a feeling. It's a decision."

If you like to read I recommend "Take Your Life Back" by Dr. David Stoop.
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