I am actually really irritated at my therapist right now.  I know we can't blame other people for our choices, etc.  I just feel like in some ways, and I kinda felt this way from the beginning, that the therapy is more about my performing and less about me healing and processing emotions.

I started with her when my other therapist flaked out, and my depression really deepened to the point where I couldn't control or manage it at all.  I specifically looked for a therapist who could help me with issues relating to the job search not working. I did a search under "career" on psychology today. She has a background in HR. 

While my problems mainly are from work, as I dig into things further, I realize that my problems are way deeper than I thought. I have serious boundary issues, codependency issues and feel bad about myself a lot. Some of my relationships are really troubled.  But, because our main focus is work, she hands me papers and gives me things to do, including a job tracking sheet and lists of recruiters.  I didn't need more accountability or things to check off. I have enough of that already. I already know all the job boards and helped to build a website that allows people to track their work.  I don't need more help on how to complete tasks. I'm a master at that.

What I need help with is how I feel about the whole thing, the depression and sleeplessness and the other problems that I have. I almost feel like sometimes talking to her is making me slightly worse.  She got way off topic last week, and when I told her last week that I'm intuitive, she got really off topic and asked me if I'm psychic. I didn't want to discuss this, and feel like a therapist is going to dx me as psychotic.  She started to press the issue and ask me if I read about Edgar Cayce and other psychics, and a lot of metaphysical stuff. This type of discussion is useless to me. I think psychics exist and it's a thing, but I talked to a professional high-profile one a while ago, and he said that it's not much use to focus on or give too much attention to, as it can aggravate existing mental illness or cause it. He said not to make a big deal out of. So, I didn't understand why she was.

So here is this therapist telling me about how her mother was a psychic, and she asked me if I went to one. My question is OK, so if I'm psychic and you think that's so great, then why am I consulting you? After all, if I have that level of insight, then I don't need to consult you. And at the hint that I talk to a psychic, again, what is the point of counseling with you? Futhermore, when I *did* tell her my strong intution, that I would be ghosted by the interviewer-she argued with me and said I had cognitive distortions. I turned out to be right. If I had have listened to my otherwise psychic self, I would not have pursued it. Why argue with me then, if you think I'm the psychic? Why are you counseling at all, if I'm the seer? Maybe I should start seeing people and counseling them instead...

One day I brought up the concept of trauma bonding. I come from a domestic violence past. She didn't even know what it was and had never heard of it. She is an intern-not that I hold it against her, but I understand the concept. She said that she asked her clinical supervisor, and came back and explained to me that, trauma bonding "is like when two people watch a scary movie and then then bond together over it."

That's not what it is at all-it's when an abuser is really nice to someone at the beginning of the relationship to someone, enforcing a bond. Then, once that person is hooked, the abuse and manipulation really starts in. The person has trouble leaving because of the initial niceness that they just can't forget, even though they are being abused now. Hence, a "trauma bond."  It has nothing to do with "having a scary experience together."  In fact, it's closer to Stockholm Syndrome.

I really need to be in therapy right now, I am extremely depressed and feel like the pieces of my brain are like glass shards that I can't piece together. It's so hard to focus. I will be talking to my psychiatrist in a week or so. I take antipsychotics and I do fear at times I border on psychosis. When I was in hospital, I know before I checked in, I was awake for days and thought the pictures on the wall were talking to me.  Realizing this was abnormal, I admitted myself to hospital where I was for two weeks. It was the best thing that likely ever happened to me. I have been taking antipsychotics ever since, and recently my thoughts are more fragmented than ever and very bizarre. She asked me if my weird thoughts come from "inside me or outside me." They are inside, but does it matter? I see and hear things I don't want to repeat.  It wouldn't do any good to entertain thoughts of being psychic or talking to a psychic. I actually argued with the doctors because they kicked around the possibility that I'm biplolar. I don't know. 

I'm not sure this woman can help me. Maybe I need someone who is not an intern and who at least knows what trauma bonding and psychosis are.  Maybe my doctor will increase my meds. I've had her for a long time.  I suspect if I tell her I think I'm psychic my meds will be immediately adjusted. Maybe I need a more experienced therapist, I feel so on the edge.