Hello everyone, I'm new here and I'm not very good about coming out and asking for help or putting myself out there to maybe get advice.
I know that this whole COVID fiasco has a lot of people in tough places and it's affecting so many people. But, it's affected my relationship more than anything else.
Sorry, I'm bad at this. My problems with depresssion have been with me for a long time, since I was just a kid. I think on my mom's side there is a history of depression and other mental issues, and no I haven't been officially diagnosed with depression, but I know it's a problem. So much has happened and so much I can't remember to know where it started, but looking at things and I think it all started with me. I've always felt weak and like I had to be careful. I was born with athsma and I had developed exima when I was just a baby, I suffer from allergies to animals and plants etc. We had horses, cats, a dog and later alpacas so whenever I wanted to do anything with them I would always break out, I learned to deal with it and just do it anyway, but it's always bothered me that I couldn't just go hug my horse without feeling like I had to itch my skin off afterwards. Being asthmatic on top of it made me limited on how far I could run and how long I could play and what activities I could and couldn't do.
On top of already having issues being able to do what I wanted, I later in life injured my knee and became even more limited for years. When I finally got enrolled in school (my mom beleived in home schooling) it wasn't until the seventh grade and I was an outcast, I didn't fit in with anyone for the longest time and when I did finally find a group, it was my fellow outcasts (which I am not throwing any marks against them), so we were all made fun of etc/, and I lacked the social skills needed for such an envrionment which made it all worse. My siblings were always getting better grades than me, my older sister being a Sophmore and my younger in 4th, setting standards for the high school teachers and then exceeding expectations in jr high. My high school teachers never said it, but I knew they were disappointed that I didn't live up to what my older sister had set for the family name, and it hurt. I did however do well in my English calss and eventually got to an honors class in it, but that became an even harder challenge after I recieved a concussion and almost no longer understand the material. In here at some point my parents seperated and wouldn't get deveorced for almost 12 or so years, we were forced out of our home in the dead of winter (born and raised there, lived 17 years at the place) so we had te get rid of all our animals, find a place to move, and go to school. It was a very hard and traumatic couple of months. None of us have been the same since, I feel that my life has just degraded since.
I got my first boyfriend after we moved and was with him for 4 years before I had the guts to get out of the abusive situation. After about two years I had moved in with him in our own apartment and his true colors came out. In 2 years he managed to rip me down to the point where I was never happy and couldn't feel any light inside. I used to spend hours writing or drawing but lost all desire to do so. My fire, who I was, had all been extinguished. I'm still trying to recover from it all, working on rekindling everything.
I some times think not everything would seem so bad if life wouldn't just slap me down. Every time I get settled somewhere I'm knocked out with a painful reminder that I'm insignificant. My first job was working as a salesclerk and I quit after having a six month battle with my reinjured knee and them refusing to pay workman's for it when it had happened at the job. I got fired from my second job for standing up for myself and my cowrokers, and lost my third job due to a shoulder injury that I am currently dealing with that prevents me from being able to do anything some times. I have such a nasty feeling that I am on a timer, one that is quickly running out. I've felt for a long time, with how weak and unstable my body is that I have a limited window in which I can go out and work. Every time I turn around there is something wrong with my body or it's getting worse and preventing me from being able to do things. I thought I was pregnant last September, the most sure I had been about anything in my life, and I wasn't. I just KNEW that I was, but there wasn't anything. But from that I have gained a lot of weight and can't seem to get rid of it, and have been left with doubts about my fertility or ability to bear children, always having felt that I have an extremely short window for that too.
With having everything turning upside down all the time and no friends, other than some online I play games with, I'm always stuck at home with nothing to do all day and get bored of what little I find to do. I've gotten to the point where I can't motivate myself to even take care of myself. I only take a shower or brush my teeth if I have an appointment or go to see my family. And while I'm trying to deal with myself, I'm also having to support my loving boyfriend who has issues and when put in a lock down situation starts talking dark and getting mad at little things that people do that would never have been a problem before, like using a blinker in a roundabout. I don't feel like I have time for me, but when I am given time, I can't bring myself to do anything to make it better.
I know this was a ramble and I'm sorry, I just feel so helpless and some times hopeless and with not being able to motivate myself and the constant and increasing failing of my body I just don't know what to do and I feel like there is nothing I can do, that I'm doomed to stay weak and falling apart, doomed to sit here and watch it happen. I feel like I've lost all control and that I have nowhere to go and nothing I can do.