If you had a rough past, looking 'back' is not nearly as good an idea as looking forward. As long as you believe the things you have mentioned .... "I'll never be truly happy or even feel ok." then it is probably your truth. You probably need some VERY effective therapy and I hope you get some.

Hi Anna, this is your depression talking. I too have been through a lot in my life. Six traumas. If I look back it’s very triggering. Looking forward and by making a plan on what will make me happy is much more gratifying. Your past will always be there, but if you can detach the emotions from your past it is easier to move on,. If you don’t already have a therapist, it would help you a lot to find one. They can help you sort out your feelings towards the past and help you move on to a happier life. It is possible. Best Wishes.

Thank you for your kind words. I do have a therapist. She is ok but I know she is not that great. She doesn't go deep enough and she doesn't talk to me about what is at the true core of my problems. It's weird how hard it is to find someone good. I have been to maybe 15 different therapists in my life and I can think of maybe one that was really good. And it's hard to look when you are depressed and busy but I guess I should put that on my to do list. I get so discouraged. There's something else I wanted to talk about and that is this thing that every day is filled with one thing after another that I don't want to do. It's stupide and obvious but I think that's part of the problem. My job is really tough and then I don't feel much like going out at all anymore. I can't really imagine getting up and feeling energized and happy and jazzed about something. I lost that feeling a long time ago. I think it did have it sometimes as a kid. At least a Christmas and before vacations and before playing with my childhood friend. And I guess that's kind of the stuff I think about in the past. As an adult, I don't have anyone to really hang out with who can do much and it's always just work or being in front of the computer or working around the house, etc. Actually, I don't really mind puttering around the house and cooking, I kind of enjoy that but I am so anxious about so many things and even just dreading the next day especially if it's a work day can even ruin my day off.
thanks again.

Anna, sounds like your anxiety may be related to work? I know mine was and still is even after retirement. I had a really hard job, but I didn’t mind because it helped families and children. However management made my job impossible I considered changing jobs, but that depends where you are at in your career and if it effects your benefits.. if you are able too find different work start looking for something that makes you happy. I know how tough it can be. I ended up retiring early to save my sanity.

Do you participate in church or any social groups? They can help if you don’t have many friends as well as clubs.. It’s really important that you schedule time in to take care of your needs (relaxation, fun things like hobbies or club things)

As for things you don’t want to do, do you have to? Can you find away around doing it? If it’s part of your work, again I would start looking for other work if possible.

I know it’s hard, but when your off work try to completely detach yourself, I really hope you can work things out. If you ever want to talk just message me by clicking on my name. Sending you Hugs.

Hi Anna,

Nothing wrong with combing the memory banks for happy memories. That's exactly why we have them so when times are tough...we can use them to help us through.

Hoping you are having a better day today. Sending you light and love!