I've been on vacation for two weeks.  The first week of Christmas was really rough.  I was extremely sick the week just before and of Christmas, and was in bed with a temperature on Christmas Day and part of Christmas Eve.  My plans for Christmas Day were scrapped, and the whole holiday nearly went for bust.  It was a little depressing.  The entire first week of vacation I was flat on my back in bed with severe pain in my ear and head, but no Covid thankfully.

I'm better now, but was a little extra busy this week because I had so much to catch up on. I am feeling this awful, black sense of dread about returning to work on Monday.  I am supposed to see my therapist Tuesday, which will be of great help.

The main issue presenting for me, I feel like nothing I do in my life works, especially when it comes to work.  I have not been able to obtain a new job after having returned to school.  It's been a year, and I have been looking for about half of that time.  I am currently in a pretty toxic job which does nothing good for me except to pay the bills. It's terrible in a lot of ways, but I am grateful for the income.

I applied to a "career forward" program, and on one of my days off I completed and submitted a task which, for me, I felt was very difficult.  Difficult mainly because I found the instructions extremely confusing, not because the work or task is that difficult for me. I enjoy the task quite a bit.  I submitted it, and the task took longer than I anticipated.  I feel kind of meh about the whole process and frankly am not sure I will be accepted to the program because I sense that I didn't perform as well as I would need to to gain entry to this program.  I am dreading being turned down, because I feel like I am very fast running out of options.  I was rejected out of hand and told to quit the field from another "career forward program" out there and to just go back to what I was doing-which is not an acceptable answer. On what basis I am not sure, except for the fact that I don't have a degree in the field.  I have a certification but not a degree.  I was told that I can't compete with people with degrees and to forget it.  I started to wonder why the hell are these certificate programs offered and why did I waste nearly 15,000 paying for this university education only to face this. It's extremely upsetting.

I dread going to the workplace on Monday with the unbelievably low energy and overall negative charge. Thankfully we have a new supervisor who I believe was hired to overhaul this exact problem. Thank heavens our old supervisor quit, she was an absolute nightmare. 

I have been being told by people in my industry to just forget about looking for a job and get a masters. I absolutely can't afford that. I still have debt from my bachelors.  I was able to afford the 15K for the certificate program, but not another 40-50K for another degree. There is no guarantee that a degree would even get me a position. I am not sure how many working years I even have left, and that this may not be a solid return on my investment.

I see people in my industry who are sending me Linked in requests, all of them unemployed and asking me for advice.  Dreadful.

I also have physical issues and am unable to lose weight NO. MATTER. WHAT. I. DO.  I've started a new thyroid medication, but it may take a while to actually work.  I exercise and track my food, fast.  There is no movement. And it's been months.  Feels much like my job search. Absolutely useless.

I know I sound like a victim, and I really feel like one.