You are not weak or a bad mom. Stop listening to others and listen to yourself. Only you know what is right to do at the moment. That can change. We do get disheartened when our children do wrong, no matter what we try to do to prevent it. I found out that sometimes it doesn't matter how you push them to do the right thing. Outsiders, such as friends have such influence over them. But I saw my son fall down that wrong path, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to get my then husband to help me. He did nothing.

My son did get in trouble, he ended up in prison, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel. For the most part he has changed so much, and is a much better person. Yes, he did drugs. Then got off them, only to get injured bad and put on pain killers for that, and got hooked. In the last year, he sought help, all by himself, because he knew he had to for his kids, his family, and his life. So it is turning out ok, and I don 't know that I had much to do with it.

They won't listen to us, but our words are in their heads and it might be part of why they want to do better and change even if they won 't admit it to us or themselves. You just gotta believe that it will be ok eventually and live your life the best you can, and keep loving him. AND stop listening to that ex, or anyone else that says stupid things to you.

One more thing, don't give that baby up for adoption at a time you are down in the dumps so bad. You will regret it forever. It is not the time to even consider anything so important when you are in such a state of mind. You will regret it and may not be able to change it once it's done if you let it get adopted to someone else. Quit doubting yourself. You are a good mom or you wouldn't be on here for help and advice. You wouldn't be thinking so hard about all of these things. I want to get you to realize that we all really get down on ourselves when our kids go the wrong direction in life, but most of us have given it our all, our heart and soul and what they choose to do is not our faults.

I M CAREFUL WHAT I POST ON THIS BOARD.
DONT WANT 2 POST ANYTHING NEGATIVE..............
GBU
DRENA B
;-O

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I am so sorry that you are going through this, I can only imagine how much it hurts.

It sounds like your ex is still angry and feels the need to rub your nose in something from long ago. He needs to let go and help you with his son or get out of the way.

At some point your 20 year old son will be old enough and mature enough to have a real conversation with you about your reasons for distancing yourself from him, but until then it will be hard. Do you have a short statement you can give the 20 year old about why you have done this? Sometimes those short statements can work wonders when it comes to making a point.

Gentle hugs, and please feel free to vent here all you want and need!

I have no idea what it's like to raise a male child, i wouldn't have done a very good job myself, knowing my experiences with males, i don't hate them, I just don't have any patience with them. I have a daughter, and I have been so hurt at times by things she has done, and how she has acted like I was nothing to her, she did that alot growing up. Now she's at college and we're getting along pretty good right now, but had she been a male child, I would not have known what to do with a male, I would not know how to bond with them. I know how to bond with her, and I have certianly not always been perfect, and there may come a day when she tells me what a horrible parent I was, I don't know, but I think the first poster got it right, I think we all gave it everything we had.

Back up a minute sweety!!! Your ex has some serious problems by saying such hateful things about your son. Has he EVER considered he is a large part of the problems your oldest son has, if he does indeed have them.? It sounds like he has some self esteem issues and no matter how many times you tell him how much you love him and how proud you are, he is not going to believe it until he believes in himself. As for being a good mother to your baby, I have no doubts that you will be a wonderful mother!! All that is left is for you to believe it! Please know we are all here to support you and help you see what we see in you. HUgs

I have had to distance my self from my children .......we were a blended family and I was always inbetween ..fixing everything ....my doctor told me that if I ever wanted to get better than I had to be number one and ..my h number two and the rest don't count ......I just couldent imagin being that person but I had to do somthing ...and it worked .....and now I can go visit them and just love them with out getting involved in there bisness ...........................we do the best by our children we know how ..and than ..it is there turn ..to live ther life .............I think I would stay away from your ...x ...if he only has negative things to say ....you just don't need that .....I am very sorry ..that you have lost your husband ....it has been ..six months ......I realy think that ....with ....needing to distance your self frm your oldest son ..and ...getting negative feed back ......I realy belive that ..you are greaving .........and that now is not the time to be making permenat deshion ....like giving your child up for adoption ......just because ...one child ....took ....one path ......doesent mean you were not a good parent .....I know that it must be hard ...raising ..your child right now .....not from lack of love ...but because you are in pain .........and ....your x for one is raising dought in you ..as to .weather you were a good parent .... ...and you are venerable ....right now ..........children need....your love ....and you love your child ..so give it some time ..especualy if it realy isent realy what you want ............

..I have raised ....two sons and ..helped rais my h to children ..they were all raised the same .....and they are all diferant ..my one son ..we had all kinds of trouble ..with ....divorce is very hard on children ...he ..went on to have a family ...but they devorsed ....as much as we feel we are responsible ...for our children ...once we have done our job ...we need to ...give over the responsible to them .........and ...have them in our life ...as much as is good for us ...depreshion ..is ..a ..hard ...thing to live with ...and to heal from ....you are not a weak person ........you have a strength ......to see ....how things realy are ....and what you need ....and it is not a easey chouice you made .....but ..the best chouice not only for you ..but for now for the baby as well .................I had to kik out my oldest son out ..because he told me he was going to take my younger son ..with him ...on the path he chouse .....and he was trying ....to ...I had to protect my younger son ......that realy hurt .......so stay strong ..belive in your self .....don't lisen to ..the negative things others have to say ..about you ....and your parenting or any thing else .....you are a smart person .....you have a big heart ...have faith in your self ......I hope this was ok .......take very good care of your self ..be kind to your self ....God bless ......

Thanks you guys I feel a bit better than when I wrote this. Everyone is right I have done everything and sacrificed my own life just so he could be a good man, it just hurts when he says all that stuff, which is why I distanced myself. I've also been thinking about not giving the baby away, he is after all the last of my husband I have. It's just so overwhelming and it' hits home hard at times. Thanks you guys again :)

Sons really tug at our heart strings way more than daughters! But thing is: if you love your 20 yr old, that will eventually come around. If the ex is saying 'i always knew he would turn out like this' then what does that mean?

Is he saying you were doing it wrong? did he ever tell you at the time?

Is it possible that he made it happen by constantly saying it would?

The 20 yr old: he thinks you love him conditionally. Tell him it's not conditional. Stop distancing from him. Show him you love him. Our big sons are frightening when they are cross with us: they are bigger than us, they could do anything. We become frightened. But our fear hurts them more than anything else ever could. And they hide this hurt behind macho stuff.

he's still your little boy in there. He always will be. Always see your little boy in him, and things will start to come right.

xx

And you should never distance from a child no matter what anybody ever ever says. The one person alive who should always be on their side, ready to listen, ready to help, is their mother.

Of all the people in the world. He was born from your womb. Never let anyone talk you out of that. He's your boy.

Thanks Bridgie101 and no disrespect or anything, but I have a 2 year old to think about now and I have to be sane to do this. By interacting with my oldest I go insane, which isn't healthy for me because I can't be my best self for me to take care of my baby. I truly understand where you're coming from, believe I know he came from my womb; I have the c-section scars for life.

He hasn't been my "baby"since 13. When I started dating my son to be hubby he was 16 and REALLY off the deep end. He told me to suck his d**k right in front of my hubby so that and he was always disrespectful to me is why he never was fond of my son, can you blame him?

Like I said he was never happy when I was married to him. When we told him we were pregnant he told me I was stupid, what the hell was wrong with me, and the thing that hurt me the most was when he said he wasn't going to claim our baby as his lil bro. True to his word he's seen him about a handful of times or so in his almost 2 yrs on this earth. Yes of course I'll ALWAYS love him and be his mom, but as some of my friends have said on here I have done the best I could and his decision to turn into a selfish person are not my fault and I have to stop beating myself up about it and live a healthy life of love for my baby, me, and my guy

So tell me more about your 20 yr old. He sounds very angry: do you know what started him off?

Also there may be a cultural confusion. My daughter, for instance, tells me to suck her dick all the time. I call her a sick pervert and then we all laugh.

When you've got a son whose morality is tangled up and messy, you have to help him let that pus out. He has to get that pus out. If that involves calling you names or whatever: that's great. It's a means to an end, that lets the pus out.

Once the pus is out, he can start to see more clearly, and can be more open. You also disprove his private theories about you. He gets angry because he thinks in side himself you will be irrational, dogmatic, unloving, those sorts of things.

If you let him get away with exploding, that shows you are not these things. If you take his outbursts patiently, they will dissipate.

He hasn't been 'your baby' since he was 13. What that tells me is that he went into puberty and became emotionally explosive probably. I remember my son at 14 going totally off the deep end, waving knives around, absolutely spazzing out. he ran away, i think he freaked himself out.

when he came back, expecting god knows what, I sat him on the couch in the lounge and hugged him all better. Crime and punishment? Screw that crap. This was my baby. I hugged him and told him I loved him. He started to cry. He told me all the things that were going wrong in his life. We had what you call a 'breakthrough'. I told him he was going through puberty and his feelings would be totally up the wop and not to worry. I told him his mind would go up the wop too. I told him hang on in there, and we'd figure it out. But no bloody knives because his sister and I had been terrified. :)

This is what happens with kids though. they get worse and worse, and then they explode. If you manage that explosion well then they can have these breakthroughs afterwards.

That's how they grow, lurching from crazy to breakthrough, to crazy to breakthrough. it's just a growth process.

And if you block this process things go badly wrong. I always tell people: what your kids do IS human nature. You just have to get used to it. And don't take it personally.

Don't write your boy off. He needs his mother.

BIG HUG........................
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GBU
DRENA