i feel really bad this morning.  my cat died a couple of days ago.  my mom is having one health problem after another.  my other family members continue to not help or at least not enough.  i am too stressed out to work.  my doctor said that he didn't think i would qualify for disability which i thought might be an option because working 10 plus hours a day and dealing with mom and cats and everything is too much for me and i do have physical and mental problems but he said that you have to be completely unable to work to qualify. oh, and when i went in to the doctor yesterday, i told the nurse i was there for a follow up for high blood pressure which had been recommended by the emergency room and she was like "everybody's pressure is high there." and rolled her eyes and said grudgingly "I'll go get him"referring to the doctor.  just made me feel great.  doctor was ok to me though.  he's actually pretty nice but i only get to spend a few minutes with him which is too bad.  i need someone nice and intelligent here to talk to and still can't find a decent therapist and without a car it makes it that much harder.  it makes everything that much harder.   

my mom doesn't want outside people coming in to help.  i asked if she would ask my sister if she could stay at her house for a few days to give me a break and she basically said no that she didn't want to ask. she said that she hadn't been invited.  it's true that my sister hasn't even invited her over for lunch or something let alone to stay over night even though my mom has been here for 2 months.  but we're not taking months on end or even weeks, i am just talking about a day two so i can have a little time to myself. even a few hours would be of some help. i have to take her to the doctor again today.  i almost never have a day when she doesn't have some big crisis or need.  if i ever try to bring anything up with my mom about my needs she just sits in the dining room chair and mopes for hours.  it drives me nuts.  i have talked to my sister about my mom going there and she made up some lame excuse about stairs that my mom wouldn't even have to use and then said that she couldn't stay there. but of course, if she allowed it, she could.

i have to bury my cat in the next day or so.  i hate that.  i hate putting them in the ground.  it breaks my heart to cover my precious cats with dirt.  cremation is even harder for me.  it's also 130 dollars here to cremate a cat which is too much money.  i work and try so hard every day and what do i get in return.  nobody gives a shit.  everything goes to hell anyway. 

i know i've posted about most of this stuff before.  i'm just in a really pissy mood this morning.  i think i desperately need some down time.  just griping.