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Ex girlfriend addiction and gaslighting

RobCoop
RobCoop

I don't now where to start.  My last relationship I was with her for almost 5 years.  I knew her for 6 years. I didn't date her for a year knowing of her upbringing and her never dealing with it with professional help and I knew she was a drinker. She's a sweet person sober but her vice was alcohol.  We started dating and she eventually moved in with me.  Hiding liquor by the pool or behind the toilet in the upstairs bathroom, etc.  Long story short, she drank daily.  At work redbulls and vodka.. came home buzzed daily or lit.  Story of her coming home from work and it was 6-6:30PM and calling me saying some guy is on her hood.  I was on the phone with her and waiting for her outside, she only worked 10 min from the house.  I asked her should I call the cops (All I knew was some guy was on her hood).  Well she pulls up in the driveway and 5 cop cars pull up behind her with their lights on.  Well that guy who was supposedly on her hood was a female cop. She was arrested on DUI that night. This continued througout our relationship, the daily lies, denial, deflect, blame, pick a fight with me so she could get a hotel for the weekend to drink.  I pleaded with her family about her situation.  Then it became physical one weekend while I was driving.  Cops were called and thank god they knew.  Cops been called before and on record knew about her alcohol abuse.  I'm a big guy and she no marks on her but I had marks on me.  


You get the gist.. This was honestly daily.  And I admit I was weak, she would use sex to apologize.  But after she hit me I knew something had to be done.  I pleaded with her family who lived in AZ and TN.  I knew when I didn't want her sex even it was over for me.  She slept on the couch for months, and lied of course to her family saying I hit her and keep in mind the cops were called by her that weekend she she claimed that to them.  I was totally coherrent to the cops that evening and she was lit out of her mind and no marks on her but I had sevel from defending myself and trying to hold her while I was driving.  



6 months later I 9 of her family came and got her things and took her to TN.  I was elated then.  


But since she has left I have felt down, what could I had done differently, I trust no one and honestly do not even want to leave my house except for work.  I used to be so outgoing and fun.  Now I just want to keep to myself.. I don't want to deal with people and bullshit, etc.  



Gaslighting is no joke, hearing, "Rob, it's all in your head daily" knowing I knew the truth.  I would video the fridge/freezer before I left work of the liquor and she would deny it when she got home or when I got home.  I would show her the video before and after w time stamps and she would still deny it.  


She's been in TN and still texts me, "I love you" etc.. Given this girl was molested by her dad for 10-11 years and raped by her best friends boyfriend before we dated but I knew her.  I was the one who called the cops for her 6 months later when she told me.  



I don't how to shake this or what.  


Community LeaderWanderingVet
WanderingVet
Many have tried to solve someone else's alcohol addiction. I would say ... none have succeeded. There are some mountains that are too big to climb.
Secouya
Secouya
Rob, I am not defending your friend, but going through multiple traumas myself, sometimes the memories are so bad. I have PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and have a problem with self-harm. Some people who have experienced trauma try to numb their emotions through alcohol or drugs. It works at first and then makes everything worse. I don’t drink, my emotions are numb. But that said, I can’t feel love, I can’t cry or laugh. I end up self harming to feel pain and express emotions which also is not the answer. My husband as much as he wants to can not understand the amount of pain that I suffer. He does not understand why I can’t just move on. When your brain replays the trauma over and over you relive the experience as though you are in the moment it happened.

Sometimes the family of those with mental illness need counseling to cope with the situation. .You can’t stop someone from drinking or harming themselves. They have to want to recover and be willing to work through the steps to do it. It can be very painful. I am going through exposure therapy to try to separate my emotions from my trauma. Trauma survivors will never be without the memory of what happened, they can only find ways to cope. The best methods are healthy ones like journaling, relaxation, exercise, finding a way to distract yourself but sometimes those don’t even help.

If you don’t have a therapist already, I would suggest talking to one. It can help. You have to decide if you can live with her problems. If you can’t it’s ok to walk away. You have to make the decision that is best for your well being. She may never change. It sounds like you tried to help. I hope you seek help and find peace. Best wishes.
RobCoop
RobCoop
Thanks for your reply and I'm sorry for what you are going through.. I truly wish you the best and happiness. But for me, it's coping the aftermath of the daily gaslighting, the distrust, the lies, the denial I can't seem to get over. I questioned myself a lot during our relationship was it in my head, I knew it wasn't but after awhile it gets to you. But now, I just don't want to go out, meet anyone, even see my family. I trust no one. I don't know if I just don't want to be hurt again or what. Like I said, I used to be very outgoing and fun. I don't do drugs and drink lightly really. It's been 8 months since she left my house..

You stay positive :):)
Secouya
Secouya
Rob, I know this sounds hard. The best medicine is to get out there and make some connections. Just be friends for now as you develop trust.. Believe me when I say I have trust issues. My ex also lied and cheated and covered things up. I said that I would never marry again. I refused to go out and my sister kept trying to set me up with dates and she would invite them over. I asked a few if they were rich. I told them I married for love the first time and unless they were rich they didn’t qualify. One had hair down to his hips. He was a professional skateboarder. I asked him if that came with a retirement. He laughed. I was serious. Then one day I met someone, when he asked me to marry him. I said no. I told him that I had issues and that if I wanted to stay in my pajamas all day I didn’t want someone judging me or if I didn’t want to cook for a week....and so on. He didn’t give up and on Valentine’s Day the following year he proposed again on his hands and knees and said I am here for you.
Secouya
Secouya
Sorry my post sent before I was done. My point is that right now you are hurting and distrustful, but not all women are like your ex. You can meet someone who will make you happy. But if you don’t make connections you will never know. I hope that you go to therapy and move on. You sound like a a decent person. Don’t let you ex ruin your life. Best wishes.