I think that posting on here is a great first step, and takes courage so be proud of yourself for that! It sounds like you're really taking on so much, and I can't imagine having all that pressure especially at 21. I think that feeling depressed and overwhelmed is a really natural reaction to the amount of stress you're facing.

Have you been sleepign and eating ok? I'd say to start there because if you don't take care of yourself physically it will make everythign worse. Have you tried therapy before, or been on any medication? I found those things very helpful with my depression and anxiety.

As far as all you're taking on. one person can only do so much. I think what you have going on is too much for one person. While you're a wonderful son for wanting to take care of your mom, it's not up to you to pay off all her debts. With your girlfriend, definitely you made a good choice in getting out of being isolated, that's never healthy. It sounds like you don't want to live with her, is this even a relationship you want to be in?

You do belong in this world, that's your depression trying to convince you otherwise. Please keep coming here and opening up all you can. I know it won't make the issues go away, but I know for me it helps to not have to deal with it all in my own head. (((hugs)))) it can get better!

Thanks Chelle so much for your reply, you don't understand how much it means....

I really hope it does get better, it doesn't look like it even can..

I eat fine, most nights, (when we have cash) sleep, doesn't matter how much I get I'm always tired, so I've basically limited myself to a certain amount of sleep a night..

I cant afford therapy, even if I could I don't know how to go about organizing it, lifts etc..

medication I'm normally VERY VERY VERY against, but I'm at a place where I feel desperate, I would take it if I could, though I once again I cant afford it..

that's why everything is on my shoulders, I could and should be earning 15k right now, and i have a few job prospects at the moment, but I'm so depressed I cant motivate myself to take action, I feel like I dont even deserve the pay..

With my girlfriend, I'm not sure I'm ready to move in.. I have so much going on, I cant support her on-top of it all, but then again, desperation has always been the only thing that actually gets me to do anything..

I love her so much and she loves me just as much, its just she has so much DRAMA around her, I cant actually handle it on-top of everything and she doesn't see it at all..

I really just want to just disappear, I want to just die..

Hello
sorry to know all that is happening to you
and Im glad youre willing to get help
and let me tell you something
you can get all the help in the world but if you dont help yourself , peoples help will be for nothing cause the real helps comes from you
Since youre willing to try for changes
I think you should start with what you can at the moment
you not wanting to get outta bed , you not being able to do anything productive are reflections of whats going on inside you

I can see you suffer from depression and that is something complex and difficult to get rid of but it isnt impossible
but you gotta try and persist , always believing in yourself even when you fail , failure is part of the process of gaining more knowledge and strength to continue to try , so if you fail , dont lower your head and dive into bad/negative thoughts , instead get your head up high and assure yourself youll try again and will succeed
You have all the strength you need right there inside you
perhaps you cant see it cause theres something blocking you
and I call that something negativity , from negative thoughts and fantasies to negative attitudes toward things
negativity not only gets you down but also keeps you from seeing the better roads you can take and its also keeping you from seeing how strong you can be if you try ( always believing in yourself )

if you manage to not let thouhgts control your head
youll begin to see the solutions to your problems
and then you have to fight , fight , fight until you succeed
its not easy but its far from being impossible
Positivity is the first step to destroy depression
it helps you gain courage and strength
and also see the better ways you can take
the rest youll discover by discovering more and more about yourself

take care and Im here to talk if you want to

Hearing everything that's going on with you and how you're feeling about it all makes me very concerned about you, especially with you feeling like you want to die. It's a very difficult place to be in. I wish I could help more with you getting some services. I know how things work here in the US, but I'm not sure about where you live. Here there are agencies that will provide therapy for close to free if you don't have a job. Are there any agencies there that help people get help financially and emotionally? I think you're in a very serious place and need to get some help soon.

Why do you think you should be earning 15k? It just seems like a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Know that the difficulty with being motivated is not your fault. It's part of being depressed, try not to be hard on yourself about it. If you could easily change you would, but it's something that's very hard to deal with when you're depressed. Once you're not fighting the depression it goes away. When I'm as depressed as you're describing I can't imagine trying to go out and get a job.

Does your girlfriend realize how stressed you are? It seems like you love each other very much. I can't imagine that she'd want you to shoulder all this stress on your own.

My heart goes out to you and I am glad that you have shared what is going on with you so that we can give you support and you can start to find your way back.
You have WAY too much on your plate. There is no way that one person can handle all that you are going through. Much too much weight. That is why your stress level is so high.
I commend you for knowing that you can't do this like you are anymore. Right now, you need to eliminate as many stressors and possible and concentrate on one thing at a time. If you do not have a therapist, I encourage you to find one now so that you can get some guidance and emotional support.
As for your girlfriend, talk to her. Tell her that you are unable to take her in. You have to take care of YOURSELF right now. Otherwise, you'll break and won't be able to help anyone at all.
It is not your responsibility to fix the lives of others. Only to love and support them. You are not responsible for your mother's debts. Put that on the back burner. After you have established yourself and gotten on your feet, if you want to help her with her debt, that is okay. But for now, that should be the least of your concerns.
Do you have family other than your mother who you can live with until you get a job? Does your mother know people she can talk to in order to get help? It should not all be put on you. If you are going to be living together, you should all be holding up an end of the burden. It should not be all on your shoulders. How much is your mother letting you do that she can do herself? (Has she applied for social assistance like food stamps or temporary housing or social security? If not, encourage her to do so.)
Are you on medication? If not, it may be a good idea to talk to your doctor so he can prescribe you something for both your depression and anxiety you are experiencing.
You are stronger than you think. I applaud you for taking steps to make your situation and your life better. That takes guts and a lot of courage. Just tell everyone to back off you for a while. Mom included. You cannot give what you do not have and you don't have enough for you...let alone anything to give to anyone else. Stop trying to be Superman and just be the super man that you are.
I pray for you. That you will receive strength and peace and help.
Keep posting. We are listening.
Huggggggsssss to you.

Lightwarrior, I appreciate the advice, but I come from a family that believes in all that, and I've tried, its not so simple as just thinking positively, and believing in myself, "surrounding yourself in positive thoughts" is hard when your very core is negative, I fucking hate it, I hate being depressed, I hate being fake and being positive, and telling myself its all ok, that I'll be fine, etc..

the only way I get help is by myself, its the reason I've lasted this long.. its a daily struggle, I pull myself out of bed, walk on the beach, do positive affirmation, watch my thoughts, keep the negativity on a low, push though day by day, fail day by day, tell myself its all ok, day... by... day...

I just cant keep struggling, like this, I cant keep living day by day, I cant let it slip by me any more, the actual enjoyment of life is slipping by me.. its not so easy as reaching out and making myself right.

thats the reason I'm on here.. I cant do it myself any more, I've grinded to a halt, there is no joy left, there is no positivity for me to draw from..



Chelle, I'm from South Africa, I've looked around for therapy but even if there is the option of free help, I don't have the stability to make sure I can keep to it.. thats why I turned to online, its helped getting my feelings down though, even though I cant cry I can still express my feelings silently on here...

The way things work here is basically they wont do shit for you unless you go though a whole application that takes about a year to process.. rather fucking pointless..

I should be earning 15K as I'm a web developer and that's like market value..

I just hate being so useless, I hate myself for not being able to pull myself together, I hate myself for being so useless..

Yes my girlfriend does know the stress I'm under, but she likes to forget and throws more on unwittingly.. but I know that I can take it.. I guess at the end of it all, I know I'll be ok aswell..

Its just.. really bad at the moment...

Deputy, thanks so much for your supportive reply!

All these people on here willing to help and support each other, this is really an awesome site, its really given me hope and turned my mood around, the support is actually out there!!

Thanks to all of you once again, I will keep you all posted on how things go :D

I know its not easy
but yes you can do it by yourself
unless you put barriers within you blocking you from actually managing to succeed

positivity aint the solution to your depression
I never said it was
what I said was that its the beggining of something that one day can be strong enough to destroy your depression
but its day by day , fight after fight
and theres gotta be change in your attitude
if you still fail , thats not a reason to give up
and if you do think of giving up , forgive me but theres a whole wall of negativity behind that , weather you can see or not

perhaps you been failing cause you been always trying the same things , you should try new things ( better things )
allow yourself to get better
you can either fight day by day everything bad that is inside you and everything bad that life throws at you
or you can stay quiet and let them force you even more down on this hole you been falling

if you fight you aint gonna win all the battles
but even when you lose youll have a reason to smile at yourself , get up and keep fighting ( that is if you change your attitude about things )
if you dont fight , youll be stuck in a place waiting for someone to come and get you out or waiting for life to pick you up and put you on a better place , neither of those things can happen
someone can try to help you but its you that really help yourself
and life , well , lifes hard for you , its hard for me , its hard for a lotta people , its peoples attitude towards it that determines the results

You can have joy , real joy that comes from within
but first you gotta get rid of certain things
cause if you dont , there will always be something pulling you back to the same place you are right now

Light Warrior,

Let me give you some advice..

The people that post on the Crisis Center aren't looking for advice, all they need is support to get them though the day, moment or whatever is going on.. its more about the support to help them get by..

Yes the only person that can really change depression is ones self, if they don't do anything to change how their feeling (being meds' (am against them myself), therapy, positivity or whatever works for them) but on here, its not about that, its about getting though the feeling of DEEP depression..

Saying things like "perhaps you been failing cause you been always trying the same things" and "allow yourself to get better " makes the person feel that they are the reason that they are depressed which you may think is true, or helpful, but actually brings them down further..

I know the above two sentences are out of context, but when you depressed those things jump up and scream to take offence.. its the depression that does that..

Thank you for your advice though, I know the only reason one gives it, is cause they care, you were just giving it at the wrong time, the best place, or time to give that kind of advice is when they ask for it.. try the treatments category or once you've developed a "partnership" of sorts and you know when they are ready for such words, otherwise its more detrimental then helpful..

I know this cause I was the same, and I couldn't understand why it felt like everyone was pushing me away, I was just trying to help, but as I said, there is a time and place for such tings..

I hope you understand what I am saying, and dont take offence, as I'm not trying to "attack" you or anything like that, I just don't you to go down the same road I did.. (where everyone pushed me away)

If you want to chat further about this lets make them private messages, so we don't spam this post ;)

Kindest Regards
light shines the brightest in dark places - my signature from now on ;)

Sorry to hear that your having a very hard time right now. Just take one day at a time. I will pray for you. I don't have any advice to offer.

Im sorry
I didnt mean to make you think you are the reason why youre depressed , youre not , what I wanted you to understand is that you can be the reason for your improvements

Sorry again if you weret looking for anything I said
just dont feel good knowing that somebody is not
so I let out whats inside me
not only whats on my heart but also whats on my head
I know what its like to be deep in depression
and I never had anybody to help me
I grew up without hugs , without kisses , without friends
grew up with insomnia , depression . constant headaches and problems at home
and nevertheless I could make my way through
so I know anybody can too

well you said you werent looking for advices
but I believe you werent looking for the componets of your depression either but when they came they got in
I think you should let in good things also ( its not everyday that life gives it to us )
it doesnt have to be from me
the important thing is that you do let in good things within you
so maybe they can help you a little