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Epiphany

volcano63
volcano63

I had an epiphany about myself this morning. My parents were alcoholics and my dad was bi-polar. I have an older brother, whom my parents worshipped. Everybody always seemed horrified by the fact that I existed at all. I was such a disappointment (maybe because I'm a girl;) how could I possibly be their child? My brother reveled in this. Anyway, today, I'm obese, my apartment is a disaster area, my finances are in chaos and I'm very lonely. And I realized this morning: this is all because I'm set on Self Destruct mode, and its playing out. And I'm glad I saw it, because knowledge is power. I'm sharing this in hopes it will help somebody else.

Tired
Tired
Have you had therapy? That and journaling can be very helpful.
volcano63
volcano63
I've had years and years of therapy. Would like to get back into it, but there's no money.
Thor2008
Thor2008
I'm here from the Bipolar side of crazy.

I am sorry to hear the obstacles that have kept you down. Therapy can work, or it can not. I had a psychiatrist and therapist for 16 months, say each once a week. The best therapist that I had was my boxer, Thor. I would feel better after walking in very early in the morning (2 AM or so); I was also an insomniac. So my counsel would be you need a large puppy.
Lavender80
Lavender80
Volcano...I totally understand your situation. It's like they gave you a prophecy of how your life was going to play out...and you subconsciously fulfilled. I think many of us fall into this trap, because as innocent children...we look for guidance and direction from our parents, and sadly...in your case and many others...these parents didn't have the mental capacity to handle their own situation let alone their children.

So here we are a big group of dysfunctional adults trying to fix what dysfunctional parents, caretakers taught us about ourselves....which most of the time ends up being projections about their own issues NOT ours.

How do you know that a kid will grow to be a Good For Nothing Loser???? Um...it's b/c mom or dad did...and they were emotionally immature and projected onto their kids. A healthy parent would nurture and motivate....and draw out their child's potential - whatever it is.

So Volcano...what now? You become your own parent - you know...the KINDER, MORE SUPPORTIVE, SANER, EMPATHETIC, AND LOVING ONE....that you never had.

So...up to this point you have been in self destruct mode...living "down" to your parents low expectations.

So now....just stop. Forgive yourself. Make a list of everything you want to change - BECAUSE YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT. Then set forth to making small goals or habits in doing this changes.

If you mess up...or take a few steps back ...be the KIND EMPATHETIC SUPPORT parent you deserve to yourself.

And I'm sure may of use will say...i don't know what that looks like...and many a times I have flashbacks to healthier relationships I've seen modeled on tv family shows, uncles and aunts, friends parents, etc.

Knowledge is absolute power...and what you've shared is self introspection. You are able to look at your situation and analyze the external and conditional upbringing that led you to these behaviors. That's awesome! Many of us pay lots of money to therapist to get to that point!

Best of luck to you and sending you light and love.

Thanks for your share!
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