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don't really want to continue with this

Mars1212
Mars1212

My network seems to be really strained to falling apart, a network of people that I've had for a long time. One group of friends I let go of because it got really toxic. It seems like everything is going at once now.  Anyway, one of the people in my network was not able to make it to my birthday event. I was SO relieved. I actually didn't want her there. She is rude to servers and demanding and typically wants her way on everything, choice of seating, restaurant, venue...even if you invite her and it's not her event. It nearly ruins everything.


I thought the stars had really aligned when she was out of town for my birthday. I was thrilled. I invite her to avoid a big scene and meltdown if she finds out that she's been left out, so I invite her anyway, secretly hoping she won't make it. I know that's bad but it's what I do.  I quit her hiking group this year because of her general attitude problem and because I was tired of it.


Anyway I had this feeling that she was going to call yesterday. She did. She wants to hang out for my birthday one on one. I don't want to. In fact I'm not sure we should continue the relationship at all.  The issue with this person is that she doesn't accept normal signals that most people do. If I say that I'm busy or make up some excuse, she will just ask and ask and call and call until you give in.  The hangouts make me feel really bad and I typically regret hanging out after we do. On occasion I will do something with her and other people but her comments and attitude are upsetting. I just don't want to do it and I feel stress every time she calls.  I feel like the only reason that the relationship is there is because of her and only because I respond out of a sense of obligation to her family as I'm friends with the family.  


Anyway I know this is a ramble. I know the right thing to do is just to say I'm not interested anymore. I have actually done that with a few people in my life when I thought we'd reached the point where it wasn't working. I felt no guilt about it either. I guess the only hitch is our mutual friends that I don't want to offend.

jannytheresa
jannytheresa
Go with your gut. She sounds very toxic. You have to pull away from her. Will you really offend your mutual friends or do they recognize how difficult she is? You are just setting boundaries.
Maybe you can decide when and how you want to celebrate your
birthday (i.e. a cup of coffee vs. a night out).
I am dealing with some similar stuff. PS....let her calls go to voicemail.
billwfriend
billwfriend
mars sounds like no relationship but hate exists.....give it a rest tell her now that you are done being friends with her....let the chips land where they may.....
TimothyRRC
TimothyRRC
At least you KNOW what you've got to do, people that only make us sad are unhealthy for us, never healthy. Given that you KNOW what you've got to do in time you will.

Might I suggest to you that you begin practicing self-respectfulness, self-respectful people disallow others to disrespect them as is your 'friend' is doing to you, she is making you feel sad with your permittance.
Greenteam
Greenteam
Set boundaries now
Mars1212
Mars1212
Well hate is pretty strong; I would say more like stressed and irritated by. I didn't realize I sounded so hateful, but if I sound hateful it's something for me to reflect on. Not a good way to be. I think I am carrying around a lot of anger these days, I don't have a lot of patience for some people. There are good things about this person, I wouldn't mind hanging out sometimes, just not as much as before, and I don't want to get sucked back into drama is all. I have an issue with the self involvement and self pity, which is hard to listen to. I did call her back, but I set some boundaries. I waited a couple of days until I was up to it, and I set a time limit on the call. I ended the call at 15 minutes. I'm dealing a little better these days with people that are draining, and even having some understanding for people I've been really angry at and have hated, like family members. Abusive types. I think that when people are behaving in a difficult way they are probably really hurting or are trying to cope. I don't have to save them or get enmeshed with them, I can set limits or cut it off if need be.
MelT2020
MelT2020
It is painful. I recently blocked a friend's phone number. She had began to be toxic and unsupportive. We were friends for over 25 years. I'm starting to join new activities and seeking out people who will make great nonjudgmental companions. I pray you find the supportive friends you need.
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