this was suppose to be a good time in my life. got a promotion. my wife was doing physically better. things were looking up. but just my luck the other shoe has dropped. lost my promotion and my hours at work. went down to old position with only 4 shifts a week now instead of 5. my manager says he can see how much physical pain i am in when i work the hours i have been working and doesnt feel like i can handle the job as well as others. he isnt wrong. i am in ALOT of physical pain. but that is life. i work through it. the bills have to get paid. i cant survive on 4 shifts a week. i can support my wife on those hours. and sure i can find another job eventually but when a stranger can see how much friggin pain i am in on a daily basis who's to say a new employer wont either. i love my job. i have a passion for what i do. i have been struggling witth the work load for a very long time now. i am a cook and to no be able to work in a kitchen anymore is killing me. but my body is breaking down and that is the realization i am facing. and disability wont take me because they dont feel my limits are extreme enough so thats not even a possibility.i dont know what else to do with myself if i cant cook for people. i dont know what else to do in life. i am a coward and would never kill myself. but right now i want to walk away from my wife and every one and everything i have ever known and find some little remote corner and just wait to die .i just dont want to exist anymore.i went to bed last night hoping i wouldnt wake up and here i am. who knows maybe i should stop being a coward and kill myself.