If your therapist gives up on you, he or she is in the wrong profession and you should seek help elsewhere, most likely. I lived a very similar story (wanting to die/kill myself, feeling hopeless) for years but my Christian faith, friends and family, and medications have helped me (though it took trying many to get there) get to remission (I’m having a moderate episode right now but I was in remission for a few months and it was great, it was worth it and I think I’ll be back there soon). Please don’t give up. If I may, I’d like to pray for you.
If you can’t keep yourself safe, please consider contacting one of these helplines: http://www.nowmattersnow.org/help-line, I recommend a text line if it’s available where you live, call 911, or go to your nearest hospital ER.

You can if you want don’t know that it will help though. I can’t go to the hospital it’s the one place I refuse to end up. I have borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety so I’m a bowl full of fun

I can understand that. I was in the hospital once and it’s no fun, but... I just really hope you can stay safe. I have six mental health conditions myself so I know sometimes it feels overwhelming to have multiple things going on at once ): (also I prayed for you <3)

If you feel your therapist is not helping you, change to another one until you find one that you feel is helping you. If you feel that your doctor is not helping you, change to another one. If you are happy with your doctor and you are on medication, let the doctor know how you are feeling and they may need to adjust your medication. Things can get better for you if you are getting the right help,

I don’t currently have a psychiatrist. I know I need t find one but it’s hard to motivate myself to do so when I feel so hopeless that anything will get better. I have been in and out of therapy for so many years... I either feel better and quit or just quit because I give up

It’s hard not to leave therapy when you don’t like it and things aren’t getting better or when things have gotten better, I get that. If I can give you some advice, I’d say go for the psychiatrist instead of a therapist to start then maybe try therapy again if you decide you want to at some point. I’m not all that good at following the techniques they tell me to do in therapy but meds can be helpful.

I sent a message to my therapist saying I wasn’t going to come anymore. I never heard back so i guess she’s ok with it all. Now I’m really alone in my battle. I started drinking tonight so this could get interesting

She probably didn’t know how to reply, as she can’t make you return. But please don’t give up. Please consider seeking treatment of some type. You are worth it.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time :( I also think it's time to search for different professional help. It is possible this therapist is not compatible...sometimes you just can't click and that's okay. But, if this is the case, I would recommend searching for another. It can and does get better. I want to speak against the temptation to recede into isolation--this will make the already challenging thoughts worse. Keep talking out loud; keep sharing with trusted individuals. Let people walk next to you during this time. It was never intended that we do life alone. So, keep seeking and keep sharing. Most importantly, know how valued you are not by what you've done or haven't done, but simply by who you are at the core. Keep fighting.