I've been having depressive moods and negative thoughts and emotions ever since I can remember, maybe since I was 13, I kept having crying spells and overall feel badly about myself, at 16 I used to self harm then at 17 I started having suicidal thoughts. Through my first university years I was feeling low, crying daily and had lost lots of weight but later it got better, still, the low moods and suicidal thoughts persisted and I had a plan to kill myself a year after my graduation. Once I remember I swallowed a whole bottle of medicine. Now I am 23, Situation had become way worse than before , I am crying daily, suicidal thoughts are even stronger , I graduated and still unable to find a job and people are starting to notice the sad aura around me , again I lost more weight , food disgust me, I don't feel like doing anything and my relationship with people and family is getting worse, I'm more feeling distant from people than before .

I think about seeking professional help but I am scared about just being put on antidepressants, moreover the side effects and dangers of them scares me. My family refuse to admit that mental illness exist so they refuse taking me to a professional and just tell me snap out of it. Also they see mental illness as shame. in my country it's very expensive seeing a therapist and my insurance only cover seeing a psychiatrist in a public hospital, I consider going on my own but don't have the courage . I have tried everything to help myself,  a excersise, eating  a healthy,, yoga  and meditation,, but it's all the same. I keep imagining killing myself but I don't want to just to lose and just end my story as a failure, my life has been really hard and I really want to make something out of it.