I've recently gotten back together with an ex boyfriend. We spent a year together the first time, and I was dependent and he was just.. emotionally not there, even mean sometimes. Two years later he gets in contact and says he's changed. I had too, I had waves on loneliness but didn't feel like I would be dependent on him anymore. If anything, how well he has treated me since we've been together has boosted my ego so much I've felt like I could get any guy I want (not that I do want) and made me feel stronger. We've been together 5 months now. He's started doing really trivial things, like turning up late to meet me, or making me rush a meal we had planned because he had to get home and I just let it slide. He seems more emotionally closed off again but I'm not sure if I'm imaging it. He acts the same but there's just something that's off. This really upset me, and after him being late to meet me I got really upset with him. I told him I was upset and felt like things had changed to which he replied "nothings changed, I love you, stop thinking about it like that" and went to sleep. I think I'm being stupid and wish I wasn't making a big deal out of trivial matters..maybe if i had a life this wouldn't be the case. I think due to how things ended the first time, it makes me terrified it's going to happen again and the tiniest things make me want to cut him off. Since then (A couple of days ago) I've gotten very depressed and I don't know how I feel about him anymore. I know this is not normal. I feel like he has gotten more distant too.. but then again I don't trust my own feelings anymore. I'm also worried about how him being distant has literally made me spiral into depression.. maybe I am dependent on him again.I even just want to talk to him about how I'm feeling but I'm scared it will make him more distant and make me seem more needy.

I'm 20 years old. I have been feeling depressed in waves since I was 16 but never sought help. I'm planning on biting the bullet and making a doctors appointment, which absolutely terrifies me. I'm just worried I'm going to ruin this relationship and lose him. I half want to ask him to come with me I'm so scared, but I'm scared to even tell him incase he leaves too. I feel like a mess and like a crazy, needy girlfriend. Please somebody help me figure out my thoughts.