I had been doing really good for a few weeks. I have PTSD and have been treated for it and I was happy. My depression seemed to vanish. Then I had something heppen yesterday that set me off. Cried, wanted to be dead, disappear. I think depression does come in phases. I don't necessarily hate myself, but I have a tendency to interalize what people say and I shouldn't let others be in control of how I feel. So, I am easily brought to the bottom of my emotions and hate it, I thought I had control over it and I don't. Sorry this isn't helping you. Just started writing and now am venting sorry.

You know what your anger is about and that it is directed at you. That sucks and it has to feel awful. I would listen very carefully to what your therapist has to say. As for my advice I would recommend trying really hard to redirect your anger towards your depression. Personify it and journal to it about how it will not take over your life. Beat it down.Reaffirm your ability to be kind to yourself. Let it know your kindness and compassion for yourself is stronger than it's evil attempts to destroy you. It is an insideous disease that feeds off self hatred and negativity. You know that
it can consume and even kill you.

So identifying it's stages is very smart. Depression doesn't want you to know anything except that your life is a miserable mistake. WE KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE. Please use your anger to fight back and to reclaim your ability to enjoy life. I hope this helps. All the best to you.

I have had the same sort of experience; where I want to hurt myself because of my anger or rage against myself. I imagine cutting myself with the razor, banging my head against the wall, or smashing my car into a tree. I don't really understand it but wanted you to know that you're not alone. I think talking to your therapist is a great idea. It would be interesting to know what she has to say. Best wishes!

When i was a child this anger was there and it was healthily vented on to the dolls i had, i bit into their heads so viciously, then i'd cry and say sorry to them.
As a teen the dolls were all gone so where did that anger go?
It went on me, interesting you mention taking out on your head, me too. Sadly i have given into this.
Somewhere along the way as youve grown youve come to the conclusion that your at fault, your to blame for all that is wrong and this is why you feel such hatred towards yourself.
Through therapy you will learn that not everything is your fault, your not to blame so hopefully you will give yourself a break and not be so angry at yourself.

What therapy are you in hun? Some therapy has helped me with self loathing, it still sneaks back sometimes, but I can tell you that neurolinguistic programming and cbt helped me a lot. And something someone said to me once helped.... The guy who said it was a c**t but it made sense. Our life starts here and ends there and what happens in the middle is not so important in the scheme of things, so may as well stop beating ourselves up. I can't live by that most days but it did turn some cogs in my brain

@effin, I'm in talk therapy (appt this Thurs.)..very difficult to revamp life-long thought patterns & behaviour. It's going to take conscious effort on my part.

@olddrake, perhaps my life isn't a mistake, but I'm not so sure it isn't a form of punishment..

@emerald, the head is where the motor is that drives these vicious thoughts; stop the motor and the gears & the other running parts stops. I'd rather not think at all if I have to include these painful, dreadful thoughts..