Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
What is the expression? Rose-colored glasses is like seeing the world in a optimistic way right? Well, depression is like the opposite. You see everything like you're wearing GREY colored glasses. Everything looks dismal and depressiong.
This kind of thing happens to me on a daily basis: I'll be walking in the grocery store, a stranger will smile and say "hello" and I will do the same back. Inisde, I'm thinking "ugh, my voice sounds so stupid, its high and whiny and I just sound stupid." I know that it is irrational thinking. I know the stranger is probably thinking it was nice of me to smile and say hi, at least that is what I think of them. But inside I just keep thinking negative things about myself. Or I'll walk past somoene and they'll compliment me and I think to myself "they're just being nice, I look stupid. they must be giving me attention because they can tell that I am feeling down. They don't really mean it." What is wrong with me??? I can't even take a compliment!
I think I dislike my job, or, is it just my depression? sometimes I don't know if something is bad or if its just tainted by my depression colored glasses. Although I actually do not think my job is helping. I am actually overqualified for it, I could get a job as an RN now but I'm still working as an LPN so I feel stupid. I'm bored at work and it doesn't help, nor does the fact that I work 2pm-10pm. I HATE pm shift. It allows me to sleep in and do nothing but lie around depressed in the morning and then go to work at 2pm come home at 10:30pm and go back to bed and repeat! I think I've been putting off applying for jobs as an RN because I don't think I'm worthy of it. Another stupid irrational thought! I graduated from nursing school, why can't I just be happy and proud of myself? But then I think, being proud of myself would be egotistical.
I'm ranting but I just want to know, does anyone else think like this or am I just crazy!??
This kind of thing happens to me on a daily basis: I'll be walking in the grocery store, a stranger will smile and say "hello" and I will do the same back. Inisde, I'm thinking "ugh, my voice sounds so stupid, its high and whiny and I just sound stupid." I know that it is irrational thinking. I know the stranger is probably thinking it was nice of me to smile and say hi, at least that is what I think of them. But inside I just keep thinking negative things about myself. Or I'll walk past somoene and they'll compliment me and I think to myself "they're just being nice, I look stupid. they must be giving me attention because they can tell that I am feeling down. They don't really mean it." What is wrong with me??? I can't even take a compliment!
I think I dislike my job, or, is it just my depression? sometimes I don't know if something is bad or if its just tainted by my depression colored glasses. Although I actually do not think my job is helping. I am actually overqualified for it, I could get a job as an RN now but I'm still working as an LPN so I feel stupid. I'm bored at work and it doesn't help, nor does the fact that I work 2pm-10pm. I HATE pm shift. It allows me to sleep in and do nothing but lie around depressed in the morning and then go to work at 2pm come home at 10:30pm and go back to bed and repeat! I think I've been putting off applying for jobs as an RN because I don't think I'm worthy of it. Another stupid irrational thought! I graduated from nursing school, why can't I just be happy and proud of myself? But then I think, being proud of myself would be egotistical.
I'm ranting but I just want to know, does anyone else think like this or am I just crazy!??
Yes, I do think like this sometimes and no, you are not crazy. It is just part of our depression. I am writing to you because I CARE not because I feel sorry for you or anything like that. In some ways, I am You if I let myself be.
Before my total disability (physical), I had a very stressful high paying job and my depression and it hit my physical health as horrible. If your LPN job is a snooze fest, it might be because you have all the stress in your life that you can handle right now and changing to a more stressful job would be a big mistake on your part because you just could not handle the stress along with your depression. So give your subconscious a pat on the back because you are not in that situation.
I do not know if you are having individual personal counseling or not but it would be helpful to just balance you out right now. It would also help you set some personal goals (and yes, I fight it daily just to get out of bed each morning/afternoon (my husband and I have our days and nights messed up right now) but a personal goal of just getting out of bed is helpful. Another personal goal is to deny those irrational thought that come into my head to have a home there. I am not who I think I am. If I let those irrational thoughts overwhelm me day after day after day. I end up exactly where you are and worse. So give yourself another pat on the back for at least going to work every day!
I do not know why it takes so much out of us to accept compliments even from ourselves but it does. My husband is constantly after me when I reject his compliments all the time to stop beating myself up over the faults I see and see the beautiful creature that God made me, faults and all! Because You and I are beautiful inside and out, we just have to let go of our fault picking (it does not matter if the fault is true or false - what matters is if we dwell on the one speck of paint on Michelangelos David or we step back and see the whole view just as God would).
Spend some time reading or listening to How to minimize depression stuff. Maybe something you already have that helped you before. Also do not forget to start doing at least one fun thing for yourself each day - it helps depression a lot if we will give ourselves permission to stop working on cleaning the house/lying in bed going over what I should do and do something we care about that is fun! Also start changing your irrational thoughts to positive thoughts.
You know all of this, you just need to start implementing it. Remember Event (I wake up wasted because I am depressed) -> Thought (Negative: I might as well go back to sleep, nothing is worth getting up for) (Positive: I may feel bad but I am a wonderful person and I am going to get up and do something fun, like have popcorn for breakfast!) -> Feeling (Negative: sad, rejected, misplaced, hurting) (Positive: a little hope (not much but it is there); anticipation on doing, seeing, or creating something I like) -> Action (Negative: go back to sleep) (Positive: ???) -> Result Positive: one more step out of depression.
So enjoy today doing something You enjoy, even if it is going to Lowes with your husband because he needs to go to fix your plumbing. I know that depression is not a pull yourself up by your bootstraps thing you can do. It is a long journey but You have to take the first step.
Encourage2Mil
I know what you mean about my job not being stressful. But it actually is! For the wrong reasons... I supervise the 2-10 pm shift and I have to deal with a lot of drama with my staff calling in sick or just not showing up. For some reason I NEED to have a job where I am challenged and stressed (stressed in a good way, like having to remember how to do a nursing skill I haven't done since school.) but not stressful in the bad way. does that make sense?
Thanks for the suggestions about positive thinking. I'm not very good at it. I let my negative thoughts take over way too often. I'm going to try your suggestions and make it a personal goal to at least get out of bed by 9 am everyday and not lie down on the couch at all until late that night. That's my goal for now! Once achieved I'll set higher goals. Thanks again for the suggestions it is truly appreciated.
IMO "positive thinking" doesn't work.
It's not something we need to "do". We are inherently positive, but in many cases that default state of positive thinking is lying under a pile of old televisions and clothes and doodads in our minds as we become hoarders of negative belief patterns.
What NEEDS to be done, is shoveling out some of that garbage inside our minds, so that we can feel that default positive state again.
The #1 garbage item that needs to be shoveled out, is the belief that "things ain't the way they're supposed to be". When you visualize letting go of this belief, really letting go, you will feel yourself stepping closer toward feeling better.
Because it will in one sweep reduce your constant self-beatings, and allow you to be present in the Now.
From this point you'll be able to make a calmer, more rational decision about your work schedule or change of jobs.
GBU
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