First of all, I don't mean to whine, but things for me have gotten to the point where I am in that deep black hole and I'm unable to climb out. First a little background. 2 years ago, my husband abandoned me on top of a mountain in Washington state. No food, truck was broken down, no money, no warning. He just walked out and left. Unbeknowenst to me, he hadn't made a land payment in 6 months, and the very next day, the land company showed up and said I had to get out. That pushed me over the edge and I tried to commit suicide. I was just devastated. I had a lot of animals and had to re home them all. I was homeless, and penniless. He went to Illinois to live with his mom and step dad. My mom bought me a plane ticket and I went to stay with her in Kansas city. Meanwhile he kept calling me and drawing me back in. He apologized....I believed him. He said he found a house and asked me to come to Illinois so that we could get back together. He said it would be a few months before we could move in the house, but we could stay in his moms basement. Guess what? There was no house. My disability had just started and he was bringing in 1200 a month from workmans comp. Enough to rent a place, right? But he refused. For the next 5 months I was living in hell. His parents treated me like I was his whore, and constantly was putting me down, etc. We were usung his Jeep, but I always had to drive because he lost his license because of unpaid fines. Then all of a sudden one day, his step dad took away the keys and said we couldn't use it anyore! My husband did nothing, didn't stand up for him or me. He's 54 years old! So we were completely dependant on that old man for rides to our dr appointments, etc. When November came and I got my disability back pay, I decided to fly back and get my truck, and 1 dog I had kenneled that whole time. Well........after driving through a blizzard in Montana my cell service came back and I had a voicemail from his step dad. That old man called me every name in the book, and told me NOT to come back and that I wasn't welcome, and if I came back there would be serious trouble. I again was devastated. My husband then called and said he couldn't do anything about it. Well, stupid me left $4,000 at the house. I only took enough cash wth me to make the trip back. I again called my mom and she said I could stay at her house. I cannot explain the emotional pain I was going through. 2 days after arriving to my moms house I had a breakdown of sorts and ended up in the hospital. I at least got hooked up with my meds and a therapist. Meantime, all hell was breaking loose at my mom's. My brother was taking money from my mom's account and ALL of them kept referring to me as the crazy sister, and daughter. I retreated to my room where I was trying to process all that had happened. My PTSD was out of control and I needed solitude. One day my sister in law came over and started screaming at me and getting in my face, telling me I better be more sociable. It was a nightmare and I was terrified. I asked her to leave or I would call the cops. I asked 3 times before I reached for the phone...she ripped it out of the wall. I grabbed my cell phone and she wrestled it away from me. I ran to the kitchen and was able to dial 911 and said I needed help. The cops where there in minutes and she tried to get away but didn't. They told her to leave and leave me alone. Shaking and crying, I was trying to pull myself together when all of a sudden my brother kicked in the bedroom door. He was furious and kept saying how dare I call the cops on his wife. Then I got the total shit beat out of me. So I ran. I got in my truck and ran. For the next year I was homeless and living in my truck. I didn't have an address and I couldn't get my social security checks. What money I could panhandle I fed my dog. I was so cold, and so hungry. I finally wet to an animal shelter and begged them to find a foster home for my dog because I couldn't take care of him. Thankfully, they found one quickly and I knew he was going to be taken care of. One day I went down to the river and took 120 xanax and laid down to die. Someone found me and I was pretty close to dead. Of course I had to stay in the psych ward a few weeks, but I did feel better. They got me hooked up with medicaid, a dr, and psychiatrist, so at least I got my meds again. But I was still living in my truck. I kept thinking my husband would find and save me, but I didn't have a cell phone so I knew he couldn;t get a hold of me even if he wanted to. I was just so lost. I was starving to death, then one day I met a couple at the gas station and they thought I looked terrible and they graciously invited me to stay with them so I could get on my feet. I had an address and my social security checks started coming in, I was able to get food stamps, and had my phone reactivated. Then my son called and told me my mom was in the hospital and wasn't going to make it. She passed away and I hadn't even talked to her since I left KC. Again, my world was shattered. I called my husband out of the blue and told him what I was going through, he cried and cried. He said he didn't know where I was. He sent me the money to get to my moms funeral and we began to talk again. Well....since this past December we are back together. He rented a small house. My dreams came true. It didn't take me long to realize how bad off he was physically and emotionally. Thank GOD I have a good therapist I see every week. But I'm getting so depressed because all he does is walk around all day having a pity party. A part of me thinks he is going to abandon me again. He has such a surly attitude and yells at me...which he has NEVER done before. My therapist says he needs meds and serious therapy, but I can't get him to go. Last night I stared at my bottle of Klonopin for over and hour. I feel like giving it all up. It's just too damn hard and nothing is going to change for the better. I just feel like it's all going to go down the toilet again and I'm powerless to stop it. I cannot remotely take the chance of living the hell I was in again.....I would rather die. So, yes, I am suicidal again, unable to see anything good, the future, just blackness. I'm so afraid that I will really do it this time, but when I get in this dark hole I cannot control it. Sorry this was so long. I just had to tell someone what I've been through and where I'm at now. Thank you for reading this.