I will try and be brief….as possible….
I have battled depression ALL of my life!!!! (now 54…) Been on EVERY anti depressant under the sun…(I have Chronic Depression) been to 21 different mental health…”so-called professionals”…who did nothing but charge me mega $$$$$$ and use their stupid CBT techniques…(CBT is insane! It takes AWAY from your issues instead of helping them! Their theory is: “Well…you are burning up=literally---no help available…but it is drizzling rain—so focus on that…) I have been Inpatient twice---due to two suicide attempts…
I hate life and I hate myself! Always have on both counts!
One main issue is: I tried for ages to build a nice body—I worked out…ate right---had a trainer….even did steroids (which messed me up more) and NEVER could “get there”!!! Google of Greg Valentino or Ronnie Coleman….this is “the look” I so wanted….but could not get!
Since a child…I have ALWAYS wanted to look like someone else…ANYONE else but ME! I always see other guys who have “the look” and I have crap! I am ashamed to take my clothes off and shower….and even more ashamed to be seen in public with clothes on!!!! It is a disgrace and an embarrassment to have been born like this! My face is also riddled with acne scars….
I graduated college with a BS….could never land the right opportunity because I do not know the “right people”! . I am single…I have no kids (did not want to pass on my look to a child)
You know…all other guys…. …have muscles…thick hair-----they party thru college (I worked my way thru) and when they get out..Boom! They get opportunities slung at them! The crap that comes so easily for others never even happened for me…in spite of all my wasted effort, time, and energy!!!
Every female I have been in a relationship with…I felt inadequate/insecure/unworthy…and when we would go out and I would see a guy who has “the look” I could sense she wanted him……
I also have Acute Anxiety…I have panic attacks like mad! These started a few years back when I lost my father---who was my idol, my hero, my best friend.
I have had these horrible things since my father passed away almost 14 years ago!
These attacks literally drain my energy!!!
I had one yesterday before work....I thought I was having a heart attack!!
My symptoms are usually:
legs feel like jelly
feeling like i am passing out
fingers go numb
pressure in head and face region
tightness in chest
trouble breathing or speaking
extremely dry mouth
a million thoughts processing thru mind at once
Anyone have similar attacks/experiences?
I take a prescription, but man, the attacks are still here?
And in crowded stores....I can NOT do it! I have literally left the items I was planning to buy and ran to my car to escape! While having to sit there 30-45 minutes BEFORE I could even drive.....
I have tried all of the "deep breathing" crappy exercises...which are worthless during an elevated attack.....
There is no way to avoid it!!!!
People say the crap---"It is all in how you deal with it" Which to me is BS!
I am no optimist, nor a pessimist....I AM a realist!
99.99% of life IS stress!!!!
we put up with crap on job---coworkers/bosses/job stress/being stabbed in the back
cars break down
appliances break down
house needs repairs
we are sick...physically/mentally or both
bills are due every time you turn around
family members and loved ones get sick and pass away
vacation/holidays/time off work???---MEANS NOTHING!!! As one day off is gone in 10 minutes!!!! (While a "work day" seems like 100 hours at times!)
So yeah....there is no coping.....just attempting to survive........
All that keeps me going is: !. My life is at least 85-90% OVER!!!! Hopefully more than that! And 2. When I have had enough….
Depression: The tide comes in---REPETEDLY—but NEVER goes out!!1
Thanks for your time and listening…..any advice…I welcome! People who suffer (well I hope nobody suffers like I do) have a better opinion than professionals who know the diseases, but NEVER had them………..
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