Nocturnal please don't give up. If you are still online please call for medical help. Hopefully you will get some support and come. Acknowledge and tell us how you are. Take care. We care.

Hi Looney1. Don't know how to respond to your answer, so I hope you get this. I woke up about an hour ago. Apparently I can knock myself unconscious but my breathing and heart are stubborn things. I still want to die. Hope is like a distant dream. I cannot begin to say how grateful I am that you wrote all the same. I don't want to hate people. I don't want to die a horrible cynic about life and human beings. To me to love other human beings has always been the point of life. I don't want to die the monster that destroyed me . . .

Hi there, Nocturne. I'm glad you didn't succeed in killing yourself. I don't know what your story is or what happened to you, but I know a lot of people who have felt the way you did/do and lived to be glad they survived. Healing is painful, challenging work, but we CAN heal. The world is full of horrors, but the world is also full of love - and love makes all the difference.

I am not very familiar with the depression group - I only saw this because I am a friend of Looney and it came up on my home page. I belong to the sexual abuse, incest and PTSD groups, and I can tell you, there are a lot of people in those groups who have been through hell but are managing to heal - with the support of their DS friends, among other things. If you feel like you belong in any of those groups, please introduce yourself. You will find a lot of support, and a lot of collective wisdom.

Thank you DonnaWanda, in truth thank you and Looney1. I know you are right about love being in the world (I think you two are proof of that), but it hasn't been in my corner of it for a very long time. I was badly abused when I was a child. In fact, I felt safer on the streets oftentimes, and it led to me becoming a target of a child predator. I actually ended up feeling safer with him than with my parents. So I have a few issues there.

Funny thing is, I'm suicidal now because of something that happened which seemed absolutely wonderful. I think Voltaire was right when he suggested God was a comedian, but everyone is just too afraid to laugh. I had been cheated and ripped off by a wife who proved to be a heartless human being. And I just shut down, biding my time to leave this place. I was in a very real sense "already dead." Even quit taking medication I need to live. Then I met someone who seemed amazing. She said she loved me, said she was going to make me happier than any other woman ever had. Said my kisses set her on fire as did my touch. Then she said it was too much, she wasn't ready to be in love, etc. The problem seemed to be that it was too good.

Now I can't hide from life anymore. I'm awake, and I'm miserable. I have two constant thoughts: one of who I love and will never know again. One of leaving this wretched place. They fill my dreams as well. It is a torment designed for me. It is a torment that is directed at my very soul - the promise of the one thing I have never known and yet hungered for above all else. This person reminded me of what we are born to be, what we are meant to be, and of what I will never experience. It is an unbearable thought for me. I was brought out of the darkness into the light only to be shattered by the sun . . .

I am glad you are ok.

I wouldn't say that I'm OK Zazas. I'm pretty much a hot mess right now. But thank you for your well wishes . . .

Hi Nocturne,

I am so sorry that you're hurting and sorry for all you have been through. Abuse is so vile, and abuse of a child is beyond words.

I can relate to so much of what you say. I also have no one and spent the holidays completely alone. When you say things like "hope is a distant dream" and "I don't want to hate people" -- I feel exactly the same way much of the time. And I too feel like every time I try to reach out of my isolation and have a relationship with somebody, I get burned and left even lonelier and more broken than before.

I don't have an answer for you except that I don't think you would have posted here if some part of you didn't still have hope. There must be something in life that you still think is good. Something that you enjoy. Yes, loving other people is hugely important and I feel that void, too, but there is more to life. There's nature, there are animals, and any kind of a spiritual life can help fill the void, too.

I don't know what else to tell you except that I can relate because today I was also thinking, "what is the point of even trying?" I wanted to give up today and if I want to go on living I have to dig deep, deep down and think of all the things in life I still enjoy and yes, that faint little glimmer of hope that maybe it will be better someday.

Whoever this person was, she is no worth ruining your life over.

Please take good care of yourself, and hang on. I hope you feel better soon.

Dear EvaSophia,

Honestly feel like breaking down about you spending the holidays alone, I am actually but I think I'm just out of tears. I'm so sorry. I want to say something comforting, but I can't even understand how life can work out this way, or unravel this way . . . And you are right (and this might be a good moment to thank you) - I know I signed up to this site hoping to find help, hoping to find someone who could say some magic words and show me a pathway to follow. The truth is I'm scared to death, and scared of life. And while I love nature and animals both dearly, I've discovered that for me other human beings are life's true purpose. I don't know if this makes a difference in your struggle, but for what it's worth your message means an awful lot to me. Don't know if you are religious but I plan on praying for you tonight. Maybe we can both find a glimmer of hope. Please take good care of yourself as well. And thank you. Thank all of you.

Wes

Nocturne,

Please don't cry over my situation; I've already cried plenty and I guess you have, too. Maybe we're both out of tears.

I also don't understand how life can unravel so badly and be so awful sometimes. But what it keeps coming down to for me is this: What choice do we have? Either we give up, or we don't. So for today at least, I don't give up and I hope you won't either.

You're right that animals and nature etc can only do so much. But right now, they are all I have. I just have to hope they will be enough to tide me over until I am strong enough to get another human relationship. Maybe it can be the same for you.

Thank you so much for offering to say a prayer for me. I will say a prayer for you, too. Take care.

Cr*p. Just read the last message and the tears finally came. If it wasn't for my dog, I wouldn't be here now. Wishing you a peaceful night and a hopeful new day tomorrow EvaSophia. Take care.

I have been completely alone all my life - and prefer it that way.
I have no concern whatsoever about how other people behave.
It's none of my business after all.

I don't know Heretic. I thought the business of man was man. I was largely raised as a feral child. If there is anything the absence of humanity has taught me is the importance of humanity. I respect your opinion, but I must disagree. There is so much in this world to love, but above all comes the human soul or whatever one would call it. The thing that matters beyond all else in this world. Life alone to me is not life. Existence does not equal living.

We humans can be different from each other. Some or maybe most can't bear to be isolated and others are happier that way. If I had to choose between my family of origin and isolation, I would choose isolation.

I don't know what your journey has been, Nocturne, but just from your comments here I think you must have a great potential for healing and connection. I see no reason for you to remain alone. I don't know whether you are in therapy or have been in therapy? We who come from damaging environments usually need help to heal from our wounds in order to connect in healthy ways, but we can do it.

My friend Donnawanda, I would not choose my family of origin, but neither would I choose isolation. I have a therapist, who says that I have an unusually strong capacity for human connection. I have had that since I was a young pup. I don't know if you ever read about the old psych experiments, but if so I was the monkey with the wire frame mother. I believe deeply in human connection. I just think it may be too late for me . . . I would elaborate, but I am quite heavily drugged. For what it's worth, I'm also quite terrified. I can't justify that, except to say I have a love of life and human beings. I hate the thought of giving in to death . . . Please forgive me my weakness . . .

Nocturne,

I think it's beautiful that you believe so deeply in human connection and I'm sure your therapist is right that you have a very strong capacity for it. For whatever reason, it didn't work out *this time* but with all you have going for you -- your intelligence, your compassion, your sensitivity and your faith in human love -- there is no reason you can't have that connection someday. Just keep taking care of yourself and keep healing.

There is nothing wrong at all with being scared. It just shows you are ALIVE. I don't see any weakness here. I see a lot of pain, but after all you have been through, your pain is more than justified. But I believe you are strong and you can get through this.