I think you're actually very wise to strive for peace over happiness. Happiness is fleeting like sadness or anger or any other emotion. Peace denotes a way of life; a state of being that begins within and is much easier to maintain.

The thing that really gets me down with my ED is that it is pretty much guaranteed misery. We all swear we're going to be happier people if our bodies look a certain way and we never will be. I've never met a happy person with an eating disorder, have you?

You do deserve happiness, but I agree; keep striving for peace first. I'm trying to do the same thing and I'm hoping that if I find peace, maybe my happiness chips will begin to slide into place some day.

God does not, would not, abandon you - that is a lie coming from how you feel about yourself, not how He feels about you. I believe you deserve happiness but rosecandy is right, happiness is a fleeting feeling. You're right in that the struggle doesn't end because in this life there is always something to strive for or against. You can make peace with yourself and your flaws. EDs are not really about attaining bodily perfection, though it can masquerade as that, it's about having control over something because most of life makes one feel so very in control of nothing. This is exactly where God wants you to be, to relax in that He will take care of you where you can't. Take one day at a time. It's not all up to you. We are here to be a sounding board for you. Hugs.

Life Without Ed was a helpful read for me but therapy and a nutritionist is a must. You are brave enough to protect yourself from whatever is causing these intense feelings. You are therefore also brave enough to get help.

God does love you and wants you to experience peace and life ---abundant and eternal.
1). "We have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." Romans 5:1

" For God so Loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

" I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10

Why don't most people have this peace and abundant life that God has planned for us to have?

2). The Problem: ----Our Separation
God created us in His own image to have abundant life. He did not make us robots to automatically love and obey Him. God gave us a will and freedom of choice.
We chose to disobey and in our own willful way. We still make this choice today. This results in separation from God.

The Bible says....
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

" For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

Our choice results in separation from God.
Our attempt to reach God ---People have tried many ways to bridge this gap between themselves and God...
The Bible says....
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12
"But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear." Isaiah 59: 2
No bridge reaches God... except one.

3). God's Bridge:
The Cross ----Jesus Christ died on the cross and rose from the grave. He paid the penalty for our sins and bridged the gap between God and people.

The Bible says....
"For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus." 1 Timothy 2:5
" For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous,to bring you to God." 1 Peter 3:18
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
God has provided the only way.... Each person must a choice...
4). Our Response:
Receive Christ ---We must trust Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and receive Him by personal invitation.
The Bible says....
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." Revelation 3:20
" Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become the children of God." John 1:12
"That if you confess your sins with your mouth, ' Jesus is Lord' and believe in your heart . God raised raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10 :9.
1). Admit your need. ( I'm a sinner)
2). Be willing to turn from your sins. ( repent)
3). Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the grave.
4). Through prayer invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit. ( Receive Him as Lord and Savior.)

Dear Lord Jesus,
I know I am a sinner,and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior.
In Jesus Name, Amen

When I read this I was reminded of the Buddha. He went through a phase where he starved himself etc. (ascetic practises) before he realized it was not producing the desired spiritual results, and he adopted his 'middle way' of moderation.

So, since you cannot escape your hell, perhaps you should embrace it, until such time as you realize, like Gautama, that it doesn't work. Start going down a spiritual path - it need not be Buddhism, of course. You feel as though God abandoned you etc. Nothing could be further from the truth since God is never with fault. Peace and even joy can be possible for you but it's a lifetime program of recovery - 4 years is not enough to accomplish it.

There is something positive that you can DO now. But the choice to change is always yours. I wish you well...and good luck! And strength : )

Ty all for saying such kind and necessary words, it really helps since I find peace in these words. Hugs and kisses