I woke up in a bad/anxious/depressive mood today but forced myself to go to a 12 step meeting. It did help me to feel better.  I have mixed feelings about socializing. One on hand, I do want to go to my friend's birthday and see people that I have not in a long time, and on the other hand I don't. I would like to say hello to a few folks and celebrate my friend's birthday.

There are one or two people that I do not want to see and I feel guilty about it. There is one man who may be there that I dated, and he dropped me, so I don't want to see him. There is another who is openly racist, and I do not want to see him. Third, there is another man there who is obsessively interested in me and won't let go, and he is there. That final one is really giving me anxiety. Several years ago, like five years ago, he was interested, and I was at that time and we exchanged numbers. He ghosted me twice and I lost interest. He has never been able to move on. The more he forces the issue the more my anxiety skyrockets. I've removed him from social media a couple of times, blocked him, and told him directly that I was dating other people and not interested, but he just doesn't seem to get it.

I have this voice in the back of my head, from other people telling me that I should consider dating these people I am not interested in because my prime has past and I should take what I can get, that I should be grateful anyone is interested in me. This makes me even angrier. This man told me he comes to these social events just to see me, which scared me.  I don't like anyone latching on to me. He even grabbed my hand one day and forced it to his chest to "feel his heart beating." This made me sick. I tore my hand off and bolted off.  He must have heard I am coming to this event tonight because he has friend requested me again on social media. I've blocked him again. I didn't think that was necessary, but I don't want to sit there and look at the request. I don't want him having access to my life.

If I decline the request, he sends another one. He scares me. This guy is actually cute, but his behavior puts me off and I feel intimidated by him. Even my directly telling him I'm not into him doesn't seem to let it sink in. If he had have left me alone at some point, I might have come back around, but that is not what happened. I predict that when I go there tonight he will either be rude or just latch onto me and force his interest on me the whole evening, which is typically what happens. I really would like to see some other people, but I'm worried he will corner me and make a scene. I don't want to answer any of his questions.

Also, the group is a tad immature and they excluded me from a major holiday party. It was a bunch of garbage and I don't respect that.  My good friend who is inviting me, at times I get the feeling he is trying to get into a friends with benefit relationship, which I won't do. This whole thing seems like a lot of trouble and drama, which is why I haven't participated for two or more years.  I know I should go because I said I would. I've lied a  couple of times and even blocked my friend's number to get out of all of this.  So silly and immature. I also have a feeling I was invited by text and not the facebook invite, because he knows if I can see the guest list, I might not go.  So much drama.  Maybe I will avoid for another two years. Who knows. I need to continue to set boundaries. I don't want to go through another long, drawn out "having a talk about our feelings," because I have no feelings. I feel guilty for having no feelings, but that's the truth of it. I am attracted to other people at times, but not him.  I don't know why and feel bad about it, but  that's the way it is. I think I need to stop defending and justifying my feelings or lack thereof. It's not my job to take care of him or anyone.