Lately I believe I have been feeling good. I have gotten immensely out of touch with my emotions so how would I know. I just keep myself busy. There's so many things that I am realizing just now but that are so essential for my whole life. I used to believe firmly that I was an introvert for example. Now I believe I am more extroverted but I used to suffer from social anxiety more than I do now. I also was surrounded by people that I haven't decided were either not that great or just didn't know how to communicate with me. I wonder if I can ever really blame my parents for not communicating. However well their intentions, it just isn't good when everything I say is unheard or unaccepted. That in combination with many kinds of abuse and a lack of safety in my life... at what point does ignorance mean ill intent? 

I believe that I am feeling better largely because I don't talk to my family anymore. The question of blame isn't as big as it used to be and I am thinking more calmly. 

There's a few bad habits I am considering to drop. Happiness seems to be right behind dropping those habits right now. 

I have many friends but because I never learned how to communicate it doesn't feel like many. Maybe I learned and then unlearned. That makes more sense to me. I never know what is appropriate. And often I just wish I could go back to fighting. Nobody ever tries to get close to me when I scream at them and insult them. It's a feeling of Independence and security right up until it turns to self-detest and loneliness. But both of those feelings are very familiar to me. It's bitter and ironic that screaming used to be me trying to communicate and now it's me trying to break off communication. I still wish things hadn't happened but that is not the real world and that is not a reality I have to deal with. The reality isn't that I have to wish for things to be a certain way and I have to wish long and hard and suffer from the comparison of two worlds, one real and one not in order to make the two of them one. The reality is that there is only one real world. And things I was afraid of have already happened so there's no more point denying them. It used to feel as though I have seen enough pain to be grieving and suffering for a lifetime. But it is becoming more bearable and I am becoming more normal. Often times I have kept the illusion because I didn't want to do what is hard, but necessary.