It seems like there is a sweet spot between communicating too much and hardly not enough.  I'm discouraged, I've been ghosted 3-4 times now by people I was really interested in. (online)  On the other hand, I've had a couple men who come across as really needy and clingy, which scares me.  I've been online dating for two weeks-trying to) For context, I used to be in an abusive relationship, so if someone starts to feel obessive, or like they have no life, I start to get scared.  The person who abused me was socially isolated, could not maintain relationships or communicate in general, so I kind of look out for this. I know people get lonely, so do I, I don't like to judge, but I do have concerns about obsessive types.

Case in point: one guy I liked, we set a date on Thursday for Sunday Memorial Day weekend. I let the guy know that I was busy in the interim, but that I would see him Sunday. I said I had some parties going on.  I said about our date: "Sounds good, see you then!" He blew up and lost his temper over text when I didn't answer in the interim, late Fri. night.  I was engaged with friends like I said I would be. It was 10 PM. I thought that was the common rule everyone knew: don't call people late at night, it's rude.  To me that's common sense. I wouldn't do it. Also on 10 PM weekends most people are out socializing, our date wasn't set til Sunday, like why wasn't he out doing something?

Currently I am talking to someone else. My interest has now died off here. On Sun or Mon. I said I was available for a get together Wed. or Thurs. evening this week.  I thought this signaled that this is my availability. I let him know that I had class during the day and am going on job interviews.  (hint-can't talk during the workday).  Dude just texts me all day long, "How is your morning, what are you doing this afternoon, how is your evening...?"  Never makes a plan to follow up, never sets a date or actually calls for a Wed or Thurs. date like I indicated, just continues to distract and burn up my time while I really have to get things done. Also, I'm wondering why isn't he working, he said he has a day job...?

We had one really late night convo Monday and I decided that I could not do it again as I could barely get up for class Tuesday.  So yesterday, Tuesday, I ended the conversation at 8 PM. I said after an hour of texting, "Oh, been really nice talking to you, going to the gym, I have an interview tomorrow morning."  I thought this signaled I was done talking for the evening...

I'm walking into the gym, and I get yet another text from him: "Are you going to bed when you get home?"  I'm thinking to myself (duh-I just signed off for the night and said I HAVE AN INTERVIEW IN THE MORNING.) Like, what do you think this means, dude?  Having to spell it out, I reply, "Yes."  He reiterates, 'You have an early morning interview."  I'm thinking what does this guy need, a powerpoint?

I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I had to get up early, get it together, get the car into the shop, uber back to the house, shower, study for this interview, and it was a long grueling hour interview which did not go well.  In the middle of this, he texts me "Good morning." I'm thinking to myself, dude, how much clearer does it have to be, why are you texting me just as I'm going into an interview, I can't talk now, it's like you're gonna sabotage this. I was so stressed and overwhelmed. My attraction just died there. I suppose between avoidant and anxious attachment there is a good middle. I don't have the bandwith always, but if I have quality time I WILL give it to you, usually in person. Maybe I'm getting set in my ways, or it's just boundaries?

Maybe someone can fill in the blanks for me here...IDK.  I'm in middle age now, when I was younger, I dated other professionals that were very busy too.  One of these people I did meet online.  I would not dream of pestering them while sleeping or working, I would expect to be bounced if I did that. Typically we would talk (via phone, not text). Conversation would center on planning dates, usually Wed/Sat. and I would see the guy regularly.  We had phone convos after work and early evening a few times a week and let each other have a life in between dates.  I remember clearly in the 90s, my first boyfriend said not to call him after 9 PM. One day I did and he got pissed. Another guy I dated for about 4-6 months when I started to cling on too much or want too much-he broke up with me because he felt overwhelmed. Maybe I am on the other end of this, IDK?

If I was in a serious relationship, committed, for let's say 4-6 months of continual dating, I could see constant communication throughout the day.  I don't see where that fits with someone you haven't even met yet...also why no phone calls or actual dates?  The picture is not complete.

I had told him Sunday that I went out with friends Sunday evening. He seemed genuinely puzzled by this. He asked me, "So do you have friends, a lot of friends?" I thought that was a very odd question. I told him yes, I had a pretty fair social life. (like why is that even a question)  I asked him, "And you?  Do you go out with your friends?"  He answered no, that he did not have friends, just people he chats with online and out of state.  I will admit I was a little taken aback by this and my antennae went up.  With mental illness it took me a long time to build up a friend circle, so I can empathize, but eventually I did after a long while.  The common wisdom I thought was that you need a good life with yourself, (interests, relationships, etc) before you can get into a relationship-that you don't want to come to a relationship as an empty shell-which I used to do. I don't want to come into a relationship with either me or they being empty and directionless, with no other outlets, occupations or interests.  I saw a coach online say that women want men who aren't available, that only call every other day and that they are creeped out by men who call daily. Daily communication is fair for a long-term committed relationship, I don't know that I feel the same about brand new people. It is true, if someone is crawling all over me I do start to wonder what is up. This coach seemed to disagree.  Maybe I should not have let on to potentials that I had downtime in the summer. I don't know. Thoughts?