Hi Lilly. I relate a little on the this. I haven't suffered abuse but I have had plenty of unhealthy and volatile relationships. I've attracted friends and partners that I've later on described as toxic. The relationships didn't start out that way, so I think sometimes it's the chemistry between particular people that can cause some relationships to become toxic. I don't know what the solution is though. Do we stop trusting and stop trying altogether? That's where I'm at. I gave up trying and looking and live a limited life with limited interaction. At least I'm safe - physically and mentally. We are damaged people and we need to take care of who we let in. But it's sad for us that we can't have healthy friendships.

Maybe you should try therapy. A good therapist can
be a help.

Oh yeah the upfront toxic ones and now I have a neighbour/friend who is sly and competitive. At least she's not verbally abusive I guess. I don't know what the answer is, I isolate a lot and that's not healthy either.
Hope you can work this out Lily and find someone who supports you like a true friend should.

This happens to me as well. I think I've figured out why. I had a so called normal person tell me that I talk too much about personal stuff that is no one's business and most people don't care to hear. I come off as desperate and clingy. People either avoid me or are attracted to me because they also are desperate and clingy and figure I will put up with all their negative bitching. Apparently having deep meaningful, life changing conversation with people is abnormal.
But who gives a shit? To me being shallow and pretending everything is ok is super fake. I don't want to be around fake people.
I say stay the way you are. Have long conversation with strangers. It's what those of us who have no friends or family have to do. If we feel invisible, we open our hearts and minds and talk to people. Eventually being genuine will get you some good friends.

Try a dating service. They screen people. They can coach you. They can help you find the person you are looking for.

I'm sorry about your past and the pain you endured. I'm sorry that there was no one to protect you. It seems as though most have been a victim of something and has carried it into adulthood. I was abandoned and broken when my family was split in two. Five girls with two going with mom and 3 going with dad... As a result, I wandered through life looking for love and experienced one bad relationship after another. Because the very first one was abusive, it set the tone for all the rest. I ended up with physical, verbal, and emotional abuse as well as very limited trust in others and myself. I had very little friendships and even they knew nothing personal about me. It wasn't until I decided to seek a counselor and talk about my past, my hurts and disappointments. She helped me to see it wasn't my fault and that I could choose to forgive myself and my parents. I had to learn forgiveness and I had to learn to say not to people who used and hurt me. It did not happen overnight, but deciding to let go of the fear and pain and to choose happiness was the beginning of becoming who I was meant to be. I hope you decide to give a counselor a try and see how talking through the past and pain can be freeing and enlightening. They are trained in areas that we cannot possibly penetrate by ourselves. It will surely be a blessing and a new beginning for you. I have discovered in my own journey that I was attracting the same kind of (people) again and again. But after getting through my pain and ability to forgive, I began to blossom and make healthier choices.

I've been in counseling over 20 yrs

Lily would you be willing to pursue a small support group? Has your counselor recommended that? Have you possibly considered another counselor with a new and fresh perspective? I've never experienced child abuse but some of my friends have. Some have truly come to life as a result of prayer and counseling. One of my closest is unbelievably tender and compassionate and I would not know her past if she hadn't shared it. Her faith has kept her. I hope you do not give up and are able to search and discover all resources that are available to you. HEALING is available and you are worthy of it beloved!