my life is an effing mess.  i'm up too late.  can't sleep.  the stress is winning.  the despair and hopeless have crowded out any positive feelings, in fact, i can't remember the last time i enjoyed anything, really, or felt happy.  i keep going on but it's the march of a destroyed person just barely getting through the motions. i feel sad that this is my life.  i feel sad that this is the best i can do and is probalby in fact my destiny.  i wanted to be thin and pretty and attract men and have fun but that just isn't real, i'm fat and ugly and repulsive to men.  i wanted to have an interesting meaningful life but i don't.  i feel like a worthless piece of crap.  it's not even that i feel that way about myself, it's that I am that in society. all i really am is a menial laborer who could so easily be replaced.  the world wouldn't miss me at all if I was gone.  I'm not suicidal, i'm just saying as a fact, that if i was not here, it wouldn't matter.  i have to go to sleep.  i'm so tired.