I really can't keep doing this. My life is pure hell. I beg god every night to take me in my sleep and I wake up every morning in tears at having to face another day.

I filled out a form requesting to change doctors at the clinic I go to and haven't heard back from them, it's been over a week and I have an appt tomorrow that I'm not going to. I can't stand the doctor they have me assigned to. Which means I could potentially run out of meds if they don't give me a new appt with a different doctor.

And I hate work so badly, I sit there and try not to cry the whole time I'm there. I've been turned down for disability twice and am not going to pursue it a third time because I can't get a doctor to say I shouldn't be working. The doctor I hate says I just need to learn coping skills. She has no clue how hard working is for me. And I see other people who aren't nearly as sick as I am getting disability. It absolutely kills me.

I think about dying all the time. I wish I could kill myself. People say things will get better but that hasn't been my experience. I'm 52 and my life has been misery this whole time. Every single year, month, week, day of it has be horrible. I know what will happen. I will lose/quit my job and within a week I will be homeless. I live in a weekly apt and if I am out of work for a week I will be on the street. Hell, if I miss a day of work I'll be out on the street cuz I wouldn't be able to make my rent. I see so many people who don't have to work and they still have a place to live - it makes me want to SCREAM at the injustice of it.

When I become homeless I will take myself back to the hospital and tell them I'm going to kill myself because I have no place to live. I will tell them I can't work anymore. Then they can either find me a place where I will be taken care of or let me go and kill myself. I can't go to a shelter. I tried that a year ago when I was homeless because I got sick with laryngitis and couldn't work at all. I was shaking so badly when I got to the shelter because it is a really scary place. They decided I was shaking because of the meds I am on and refused to let me stay there because they didn't have any bottom bunks available and they wouldn't let me have a top bunk because I was shaking so bad. I ended up having to try to sleep on public buses for a few weeks until I got better and went back to work.

During this time I took myself to the hospital and had a horrible experience there. I told them I was suicidal and they stripped me of everything, literally took all my clothes cigs and cell phone and locked me up on a 72 hour hold. Then decided I was on too many meds and only gave me half of what I was supposed to get. They did nothing to help me. They spent more time asking me how I was going to pay for my stay then they did in asking me how they could help me. So I told them the next day that I wasn't really suicidal and just needed help with my laryngitis so I could go back to work. They believed me. They gave me no treatment but they did release me. It was a very scary experience. At least next time I will know what to expect. I am still getting calls from bill collectors wanting a thousand dollars for that one night stay.

So my life is hell. I have no one to help me, never have. I've been alone all my life. I need to live with someone who loves me but that will never happen. I've been waiting 52 years for that, it's never gonna happen. When I see others who are loved it makes me feel so jealous. Even people who have relatives and friends who care make me feel terrible because I've never had that. I've been screwed over by everyone I ever tried to care about. My life is pure misery.

Thanks to everyone who bothered to read this long rant. I just had to get it out. I don't know what will happen to me but I know it won't be good. I just can't keep going like this. Thanks for listening.