Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I met my boyfriend two years ago during a really rough transitional period in my life. He was really, really kind and helped me out financially more than a few times as I've tried to get my life on track. He was a huge reason why I looked and found a decent doctor and finally went on medication. I became very integrated into his family and his life; we spent every evening together, the weekends together and his mother really adopted me into the family and would make me breakfast in the morning and leave a snack for me to take for during the day. I helped him heal from a very serious injury and that really seemed to solidify the bond we have.
However, after two years he's found that being a primary "caregiver" to a depressed person is not as rewarding as he probably hoped. Since my last post I went to the doctors and started on medication again. My boyfriend went away on vacation and we kind of grumbled back and forth at each other but by the end of it we were both really excited to see eachother again. We spent a nice day together but by the end of it I was a bit agitated for a bunch of different reasons and chose to take a moment outside before going to bed.
Over the next few days, he sort of ghosted me and on my birthday I asked him what was wrong. He blew up and said he was tired of my reactions and that they made him feel bad and he was tired of being controlled by my moods for the past two years. He went on a bit more then hung up, not really giving me a chance to say anything. I sent him a few text messages - there are bigger issues in the relationship and some of my depression and huge episodes or breakdowns were directly correlated to how he was treating me or what he was saying at the time. I thought it was unfair to put this solely on me and make me feel bad about myself or my struggles without taking some responsibilty. I wanted to have this discussion because throughout our relationship, he told me that he considered me apart of his family. It wasn't supposed to be based on the condition of being in a relationship with him because I don't really have a family of my own and he's been good to me so I'd like to be civil and try to keep that in my life. I know the dynamics will change and I certainly can't expect the same kind of relationship that we had but I wanted to continue a certain level of mental/emotional support we had built before we started dating.
He did not want this though and reiterated that I had been "broken up with over YOUR behavior". I gathered my things from him and his mother extended the offer to remain in regular contact and that she would continue to help support me and drive me places and help support my return to school. I felt really weird about it though - I was really grateful and I felt cared for but I also felt sad that his mother was the one to keep the promise and treat me like I really was a member of the family.
I felt extremely empty once the dust had settled from the major blowup. Like I had lost yet another family member and that the whole thing with his mother felt tainted and painful and I just didn't want that reminder anytime soon when I had been treated so rudely at the end by him (for a pretty shit reason, let's be honest). I was never particularly close to his mother either; I just spent so much time in her house that I became integrated into her life and she is probably the only other person who could have an honest opinion about the relationship he and I had. I also felt like I had been delegated to like distant second cousin from a daily role in their home. I feel completely ripped from what little comfort I had cultivated over the past two years. My routine is completely altered.
I mean, this is what an end of a relationship generally feels like for most people. I was just already struggling so much through the holidays and being put on new medication and having almost no real support system outside of him and his mother. I feel like I've been removed from the family that I had known. I truly had nothing now and life had even less purpose than it did before. The medication has just numbed the intensity of these feelings, making me feel anxious and void.
I really didn't know what else to do but break the cardinal rule of break ups and text him that I felt it was hard to cope with the idea that I had lost another family / family member. I felt isolated before but now I feel like I'm standing in the middle of just a barren desert. He messaged me back a few minutes later, "Let's talk about it sometime this week."
It's been two days and I haven't heard from him; in reality I haven't actually seen him since last Wednesday and our period of interaction on the phone or in text was probably less than two hours total. His mother said she'd call me at the end of the week but I just don't want to maintain a relationship with her and the more time that passes I wonder if it's even worth maintaining one with him when I've been so roughly removed. I used to think sometimes it was better than nothing and I knew in some ways I was much too depressed at this point to get involved in a new relationship. He seemed to want to care for me and found some pride in helping me better my life and my situation. He spoke about having me in his long term future (but never made plans, which is a huge cause of anxiety for me).
I know many of the things I've described can be responded to with "you're probably better off" but it just really hurts because I don't get to cry to mother and I don't get to have my father threaten to beat him up and I don't get a girls night with my cousins. I have a few friends who are very good but most of them are either too busy or too new for me to feel a real connection to them. I've just lost everything.
But basically, here's the deal....
You have to really know your stuff. Was his behaviour that sent you spiralling really abusive or was your innards trying to control him or have unrealistic expectations.
If it was abusive and he can't see that his abuse made you ill then yeah you ARE better off without him
But if his behaviour was actually ok when you logically think about his rights and it just pushed your buttons then my advice for the future would be
To remove yourself from him, and write all your reactions and feelings down on paper, then contact some support group that's private and confidential and tell them all about it. Once you feel reasonably over it, maybe distract yourself with nice things until therapy and share it there. Hopefully by this time it is no longer bothering you
All this time bf is still clueless as to what negative stuff is going through your head.
Once your completely over it you then logically think about it. Was his behaviour acceptable or unacceptable?
If the later it's time for a delicate chat. I'm not so hot on what you should say but basically something like
When you did x behaviour I felt y
Would you because you care about me try to change and not do this behaviour again?
So your not shaming him saying he's bad, your saying the behaviour isn't ok.
Then, you will find out if he will change or not. If he's not willing then maybe your personalities don't match
If he is willing be prepared for it to take a while to sink in.
And "relapses" remind him when ever it happens
See if you can predict the behaviour and remind him in the build up
I mean seriously = you should see the negative crap that rolls through my head when I'm triggered to distress!!! Yuck!!! No one needs to know that crap. It's private!
Share it with people opposite side of the world if you can much better than people you know.
I express all my gunk to my aa sponsor opposite side of the world and I sincerely hope he doesn't waste his time reading it all!
Journaling and spamming this guy helps me get past and over my reactions, and then I can choose what I want to do
My boyfriend comforts me by saying "I'm here" letting me describe EVENTS I might label my feelings reaction to those events, he says some nice things then he distracts me by going off and doing fun things together
People find it hard to listen to negative crap all the time, did you know that people can get traumatised by listening? Compassion fatigue and therapist burn out.
Come on, time to expand your network of support so that you don't burden your partner with all of this.
Ideally you could just spout every thought that goes through your head to people and they'd somehow magically make you feel better with the right words.
But do you honestly want to share EVERY thought your having in reaction to stuff???
Using him as free therapy is cheap and even though he's finished with you cos supporting you was making him miserable, you still want him to support you... Without sex now.....
I'm not so great at saying comforting things because I've had to learn all this the hard way and I never got a loving recovery just a harsh kicking repeatedly till I learnt
So I'm sure someone else will know how to make you feel better
My doctor believes a large part of my problem is not having someone to talk to - like actually talk to and have a conversation with where I can share my thoughts and feelings. Friends only go so far and mental health services where I live are overtaxed and underfunded; my doctor is the only thing I have available right now and even he will say that. He's given me the ability to go in and talk to him whenever I need to and suggests that if it's ever really hard to come to the walk in and talk to another doctor.
My boyfriend had his own mental issues that affected the relationship probably just as much as mine did but his mother is alive and their family was always well off so his mental issues haven't made a huge dent in the quality of his life - his mother seems to take care of everything and he mostly just works (a very physically demanding job). I don't have that so my situation is a lot more dire. It's funny you say "do you want to share every thought you're having" because that's what he did to me. I actually clammed up and stopped speaking about my issues until they became overwhelming and I could no longer ignore the fact that he was ignoring something kind of obvious. He felt comfortable sharing every single feeling and thought he had the moment he had it (he does this with others too, not just me, but I'm one of the few who have stuck around this long). I've heard a lot of not so nice things come out of his mouth but not necessarily directly insulting to me.
Most of our friends would feel that I have always generally supported him emotionally/mentally much more than he was doing for me. It would be hard for him to really claim fatigue when I've been his shoulder to cry on more often than he's been mine. I however had no problem - I am a caregiver at heart but I'm not well enough right now to spread my care to lots of other people. I can manage one, though. My problem was a lack of future/commitment from him after putting in so much time and energy and compassion and love on a regular basis.
I definitely had no expectations or tried to control him - in this relationship I learned what freedom could mean to someone who has a romantic partner and began adopting more healthy approaches to communicating. His outburst was not the normal way we would speak to each other.
He does truly lack empathy and without empathy I'm not sure if someone could romantically be involved with me. I wouldn't say that he is abusive but the lack of this trait creates abusive scenarios that definitely weigh on my mental health negatively.
Since I have so few people in my life it's really more about that open family-type communication that one has either in their biological family or a family they've constructed with friends and mentors. Perhaps saying I still wanted to maintain emotional/mental support wasn't the right words to use. I hate losing people and having them just drop out of my life. I hate having dumb emotional things between me and someone else when we could just have a discussion about it. These things weigh on me a lot so I try to take the opportunity to maintain something in these scenarios until I resign to losing them completely. I know it's a fact of life and how things will always be but each loss I take is just more damage on an already very damaged soul.
Now that you've thought about it and considered it, maybe your part in this situation was very small. Maybe its more about the fact that he has issues that has got in the way of being able to have a relationship.
I'm still very confused about the issue of empathy got told by one institute that I was very popular because I felt others feelings got told by another I had no empathy
So dam... You could be talking to a psychopath hun! So forgive me if I'm too messed up to be comforting in what I say. Not many people comfort me so my repertoire is some what limited.
Sounds to me like there may be a better man out there for you, I finally found someone good who wants to commit for life. I think healthier people know early that life long commitment is where they want to be and people with issues realise later on the value of such security.
I bet he will regret his decision in the future
Keep on sharing every thought and feeling here, I personally love it and I love sharing every thing going through my mind too. It's great stuff, so much better than general chitchat
I find it cool that I sometimes say the exact thing that was involved in causing the pain. Like I've some how identified with the idea that's against you, thought about it and said it! Like how huh! Now it's said now I can say that I totally agree, therapy is all about the talking cure
The more we share thoughts and feelings the more we get the cogs turning the better we are able to process our reactions, the better we feel.
Keep on sharing I want to listen x