Wow I relate to your post alot. First I wanted to tell you guilt does us no good. I feel guilty all the time for being so depressed that I can't be the mom I want to be for my 13 yr old soon to be 14yr old son.
The guilt, and worry just feeds the depression more. You obviously love your son very much or you wouln't have posted this, or be feeling this way. That right there shows you are a good loving mother.
If we had any other illness would we blame ourselves? I try my best to show my son I love him unconditionally and that how I am feeling has nothing to do with him, and I try to do my best. Sometimes my best to me is not very good. You need to be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else (a friend etc) who was in your position. Believe me I know it is hard, I still struggle everyday with feeling I am failing my child. You are doing the best you can and spend time with him in ways you can, instead of worrying about the things you can't do with him. You arenot alone in how you feel and I hope you can be nice to yourself and I hope you are feeling better soon.

I have a daughter, so I totally understand your feelings! One thing I find is that since my emotions are screwed up I have to lean on my brain a lot more. I have to plan things to do with her that she'll enjoy and get up and do them, and just focus on the moment. I enjoy her happiness. One thing at a time, I can't focus on last week or next week, just what I'm doing today. I do so hope you're feeling better soon!

Thank you both so much for your comments. I'm so glad I'm not alone with this battle.

First of all, you're not failing your son. Even if you think you are. You're still in his life right? Well that's more then what a lot of kids have. It doesn't mean you've failed him, just because your not as active in his life as you would like to be. I'm sure he knows you love and care about him very much. And I highly doubt he loves you any less for not being there as much as you want to. I've grown up with a depressed mom. And I knew she wasn't always there, but I knew she wanted to be. And I knew that it wasn't her fault that she had this illness. I know now how it feels to have it, because I have it no. And I think the most important thing is try and be there as much as you can. And if you can't, then make sure he knows that you want to be there for him, but you can't. And to make sure that he knows you try, and support him, love him and care about him. I don't know you personally, but I can tell you don't give yourself enough credit. You're a better mom, than what you think you are.

And I'm not a religious person, so I don't know much about God. But I know how easy it is to blame him. But he doesn't give you challenges in life, that you couldn't handle. You should be happy that he gave you a boy that is both loving and understanding. And your son should be thankful that God gave him a loving mother, that trys to be there for him as much as possible. And if he didn't think you were capable of being a good mom, then he wouldn't have gave you a child. Sure there's mothers out there that are terrible mothers. But they're capable of being a good mom, they just choose not to be. But you're a loving mom, that trys to be there. And that's all that matters..

Sorry I started rambling, but I hope I helped. Even if it's just a little bit..

It's just my opinion, but I think a lot of the time what children really need above all else is for their parents to love them. They can sense it... I'm sure that you love your child and that he knows it. And that's the really important thing.

I understand your concern for you son but, kids are very very understanding and they are more understanding moreso that adults are at times. I have a friend, who had a son and she was having back problems so, she had back surgery. Something went wrong and she was paralysed from the waist down. She raised her son and she is still in a wheelchair and he is grown and has kids of his own now. He understood his mom's condition and accepted it in stride. Blaming yourself will only increase the depression and I know that questioning God is normal as well. We as humans, do not understand why things are the way they are. I want you to know that you may feel like a failure to your son but, that is your concept of things, not his. I will also say this. whatever capacity you have, to show your son you love him, do it. I lost a son in 2005 in a car wreck. I can't even tell him I love him or hear him say, "I love you too dad." My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Children love their parents and recognize their parents' love for them. No matter what your condition, the connection is deep. Value what you do have.

Thanks everyone for your wonderful support. I do feel better and am trying to focus on the future and not dwell on the past. It's so easy for me to forget the good things and I do lose perspective sometimes, so thank you all again for those reminders of where my focus should be.