I'D LIKE TO SHARE THIS LETTER THAT I WROTE TO MATT TO TELL HIM GOODBYE- ITS ONE OF THOSE I WROTE IT FOR THERAPY BUT I'LL NEVER SEND IT LETTERS....
MY DEAREST MATTHEW,
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SAY AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN...HOW ARE THINGS GOING IN BELLE RIVE? YOU SEEM SO HAPPY- MORE LIKE THE MAN I FIRST MET- I MISS HIM AND THOSE TIMES- I THINK ABOUT THEM OFTEN AND THEY MAKE ME BOTH SMILE AND CRY. THANK YOU FOR THOSE TIMES...I DO BELIEVE THERE WAS LOVE BETWEEN US- WE JUST MET EACH OTHER AT THE WRONG TIMES IN EACH OTHERS LIVES- I WAS READY TO SETTLE DOWN AND START A FAMILY WITH YOU- AND U ALREADY HAD A FAMILY...EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE " WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING MOMENTS?" I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE RIGHT NOW.. I NEVER HAD THE RIGHT TO TRY AND TAKE A HEART THAT WAS ALREADY PROMISED TO SOMEONE ELSE. U KNOW U ALWAYS SAID U WERE SELFISH- BUT IT WAS ME- I WANTED U ALL TO MYSELF- I CAUSED A LOT OF PAIN AND FOR THAT- I REALLY AM SORRY...I'LL NEVER FORGET THE WAY U 2 LOOKED AT EACH OTHER STANDING IN THE DOORWAY OF YOUR HOME -AND I JUST THOUGHT "WOW" ! HOW CAN I BE SO HAPPY WHEN MY HEART JUST BROKE INTO A MILLION PIECES. TO SEE U SMILE AGAIN WAS JUST THE GREATEST !THERE WERE SO MANY TIMES I JUST WANTED TO SCREAM OUT- I'M NOT KAREN AND I NEVER WILL BE ! BECAUSE I'M BRANDI ! TRUTH BE TOLD I ENVY HER- SHE HAS U AND ALL YOUR LOVE. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT AND I HOPE U CAN SEE THAT AND GIVE HER THE LOVE AND RESPECT I WISH U COULD'VE GIVEN TO ME ... MY PAIN IS STILL NEW AND AT NIGHT I FIND MYSELF CALLING OUT TO U SOMETIMES " PLEASE COME BACK TO ME " ! BUT I HAVE SENSE ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN.I'VE NEVER BEEN GOOD AT SURRENDERING- BUT SOMETIMES WHEN U LOVE SOMEONE U HAVE TO LET THEM GO. THERE'S SO MUCH I'M GONNA MISS - OUR WALKS, OUR TALKS, THAT ANNOYING THING U DID WHERE U WOULD POUR A GLASS OF ORANGE SODA AND THEN WALK AROUND WITH IT AND STARE AT IT ONLY TO POUR IT OUT AND MAKE ANOTHER! THE WAY U WOULD TAP UR HANDS ON UR KNEES WHEN U WERE BORED. THOSE THINGS ANNOYED ME SO MUCH AND YET I STILL MISS THEM !THE WAY I USED TO CALL U SWANKY AND U WOULD GET SO UPSET !THAT LAUGH, AND THOSE PUPPY DOG EYES.... I COULD GO ON AND ON- PLEASE DON'T BLAME ME FOR BEING BITTER BECAUSE I CANT HAVE YOU AND THESE THINGS IN MY LIFE.I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR U THOUGH- THAT DAY WHEN U SAID U NEEDED TO SEE THE LOVE IN MY EYES- DID U REALLY NOT SEE IT TIL THEN? DID U EVER SEE IT? DID U NOT KNOW FROM JUST HOLDING UR HAND MY HEART WOULD SKIP A BEAT- THAT I WOULD'VE BEEN HAPPY STARING AT THE WALLS WITH U AND WATCHING PAINT DRY !I'M STILL SCARED OF NOT HAVING U IN MY LIFE- I'D LOVE TO BE FRIENDS, BUT I CAN'T BE JUST FRIENDS AND HAVING ANY CONTACT WITH YOU WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO KAREN IF U TRULY DO WANT TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE...I SLEEP WITH YOU PIC ON THE PILLOW BESIDE ME - I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY IT ANYMORE- BUT I LOVE YOU MATTY !I CAN'T BE WITH YOU - BUT I WILL PRAY THAT GOD WATCHES OVER U FOR ME- AND WHEN U FEEL ALL ALONE- HE WILL BE THERE. YOU WILL FOREVER BE IN MY HEART - BUT WITH THESE WORDS I SAY GOODBYE MY MATTY- GOODBYE.......
I LOVED THIS MAN MORE THAN ANYTHING AND AS HE TOLD ME- HE COULDN'T LOVE ME THE SAME WAY- WE BROKE UP ON DEC 29TH AND I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED SINCE THEN - I'M TRYING TO GET THROUGH THIS- BUT SOME DAYS I WAKE UP AND I THINK- PLEASE LET HIM CALL - OR WRITE OR SHOW UP AND LET THIS ALL BE A NIGHTMARE- BUT NO SUCH LUCK....SO I SIT HERE LONELY AND BROKEN AND I KNOW THAT I WON'T BE READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP ANYTIME SOON - I'LL SETTLE FOR A FEW GOOD FRIENDS...