So a while back I did a post about how I was going to break up woth my bf because his family wants him to marry a muslim (in their culture very normal.) 

So there's an expiration date on our relationship. Well since then my bf's future plans have changed. He wants to get into havard or some other big university for his phd. He will most likely move away in the beginning of September or even earlier. So I thought that him moving away will be a more natural split up and also, we can make a list of things we need to do together before splitting up. (Stuff like he needs to teach me a Pakistani meal and we go to visit a nearby city together and explore.) 

My bf was quite often the reason I didn't contact my psychotic ex anymore. I think when he moves away I should start therapy. Someone needs to watch over me. My moods aren't stable. I do weird shit when I'm in depressive moods. Some aren't obviously self destructive.. others are more obvious. 

The problem wouldn't even be texting my ex per se. The problem on a bigger scale is that when I have depressive moods I do not make good decisions and at the root the problem is that internalized doubts and beliefs turn me against myself and make me feel miserable, and I shouldn't feel that kind of miserable. Nobody in fact should feel that kind of miserable. It's not a thing that someone should go through. It is in fact highly unnecessary. Maybe if my parents had loved me.. yeah that would have been great. A lot of things would have been better if they had been different. I'm not God or anything but this does feel like things aren't going the way they're supposed to. 

Funny how both of my parents are christian and both of them stayed christian all the way through their divorce. It's nice that it gives something to them. But also it feels like they're just using their religion as an excuse to be self-righteous dicks. This whole, I never fall deeper than into God's hand thing? It's not a nice thing to hear after you confront someone about them messing up your childhood. Like hey, please don't make me feel like shit just because I act like shit and won't change. Uh. 

I wanted to be more religious but I think it was just because I thought I would gain my parent's acceptance through that. Now that I realize that I probably never will I care less about such things. 

I feel guilty because there are a lot of christians that I do respect. Now I feel like I never belonged amongst them. Just a fraud. I believe in and even talk to God but it's not really anything like what you'd see at church. I'm just not getting a lot from it so I don't do it a lot though I do like the whole good father God idea. I like the thought construct so be it true or not, sometimes I like to act on it. 

Most of my needs however just aren't met by religion and most of my passions are not related to it. 

It hurts when no matter what you chose there always seem to be people in your life that bring you down with their negativity. That's what it likes to have a shit family. 

There's a common tendency to in one way or another put blame on people who are sad or have depression. I understand how it would be more comfortable to believe that people have control over their own destinies like that. There also isn't always a need to confront the fact that e.g. safety is an illusion. It's one of those illusions that we need to survive and stay sane. 

Also yes, people with depression sometimes stand in the way of their own happiness. Just like everyone else. 

It's difficult to be sensitive like me. I have to cherry pick my words so that I don't reveal something that makes me vulnerable to the knee-jerk reaction that a lot of people have when confronted with unhappy realities. 

I have a home for now and it's at my bf's. He's quite good at dealing with me. Real luck there. 

He told me today that he thinks I would probably make a good spouse because I am supportive of him studying so hard and not having so much time for me i.e. I understand and approve his priorities. 

I said that yeah for someone else I will be and so will he. For someone else he'll be a really good husband one day. 

If you look at it that way it's really positive. We met each other, enjoyed each other's companionship, split up and found another good match. It's probably gonna be like that in the end. 

I like how honest we communicate. 

I think that if I hadn't dated my current bf I'd still be off and on with my ex and I had never learned that I could have someone much better than him. 

It's a temporary relationship (>1 year nevertheless) but it has raised my standards significantly. 

I didn't know there were people like him who are reasonable and honest. 

I just knew my shit family and the people who bullied me at school. 

Afew friends I had made along the way but we all moved places and lost sight of each other. It's still nice when we meet though.

My life never had as much positivity as it had when I was with him because I was close to someone who was a high value friend (and bf). 

It does give me hope. If I met him and I met other people that were worth meeting, there must be more people worth meeting never mention the friends I already have. 

I think right now that we don't need to break up too soon. I think he will be very happy I spent his last months here with him. I think it means a lot to him. It means a lot to me too.