The problem is that I don't want to gel professional help, because I really don't want to be around anymore. I am just killing my time here, until my time to go comes. The reason I chose to believe what my son says is because the first time he told me that I sounded ugly, my tone of voice was ugly, and when I opened my mouth I hurt people, it hurt so, so much that I chose to believe it, and repeat to myself his words all day long, and night. He also tells me that I don't have friends, I have no friends because the only friend I had which was my husband fulfilled my needs. There was no need to have friends. I knew this was none of his business whether I have friends or not, but what he really meant when he told me that was that no one wants to be my friend because who wants to be a friend with such a bad person. I know what he meant. I guess he knew what he was doing, killing the mother this way, driving her to do it, he will be innocent, no one can accused him of killing his mother, and this will make him a hero.

disgustingperson...I am so sorry you feel this way, I really am. I don't even know you....and I'm so so sorry for how you feel about yourself. I will think good thoughts about you, and hope that some kind of power will help you.

And fluterify...don't ever give up on yourself. Please.

I know if my son said those things to me, not only would I be hurt beyond belief, I would wonder what is going on between the two of you that he can say that? Is there some unresolved family problem with your son that has not been addressed. Deep down all children love their mothers. I'm sure there are two sides to this story and your son has taken to hurting you with words to get his point across. I'm sure you were a mother that did the best she could. I just wanted to address being hurt by your child. The child sometimes is the touchstone and if that touchstone turns into your nightmare, it can be most painful. I'm sorry. I really am. I can feel you pain just a bit in this area.

Secondly, congratulations for coming here. You may still want to die but inside you want to live. You are trying therapy even tho you don't want to. Your crashes may be that the therapy is working something out. Repressed emotions. Whatever is happpening that seems bad, is outweighed by the fact that you do want to live, you just don't want to live life like it comes now. Change can come and life can be beautiful again. I was suicidal and hospitalized 3 times in 2003,2004,2005. One day I woke up in hospital and thought, what the fuck am I doing here? I can shake this. I don't need all these doctors interviewing me and doing nothing. I wanted to live.

Remember this one thing...this is not your fault. This is a real condition with real chemical problems in the brain, you are an innocent bystander while this goes on. Keep that in mind when you feel like your worthless, unloved and hurt by people. You are not your condition tho. You are a pure human being that was born perfectly perfect. Life hangs things on us.

One thing I believe about suicide is this....life goes on in a different form of energy, but your state of mind when your life ends determines you state of mind when the new one begins. Suicide is the most evil thing we can do to ourselves because we are our thoughts. Thoughts are things. Those things will come with you when you die. I have heard at death, it's very important to be grateful and happy about one's life. At the time of death, thoughts of happpy days in our lives are what we want to focus on.

I respect you so much for being here and opening up your pain. We will gladly share it with you and help take some of it away.

Much love to your hurt soul. It will heal. xoxo

Too scared to get help.

:'( spiriling down.