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My bf (lived together 2 yrs) went out last night, nothing new- I had to work early this am, i told him to go for it- i actually enjoyed some time alone.
Well, he's gone out before- i completely trust him (well, trusted)
On my way out the door this morning I just clicked on his phone to see if he had gotten my last txt from the night before since i didn't hear back from him...btw...he got hime at 2 am......well, some woman- Kym- had txtd all kinds of nasty things earlier that night and talked about what a good kisser he was. Wanted to know if he made it home ok. Said he needed to lust over her some more before she would sleep with him.
No response from him though.
I flipped- started hyperventilating and walked out the door- I had to get to work, he was passed out asleep. i left a note "wasn't snooping but found txts from kym. we need to talk"
he txtd me at work when he woke up- I was a complete mess before hearing from him thinking i was the biggest fool for trusting him- we have even tlkd about marriage this past week.
he said it was a woman who saw him at a kid's b-ball game last week. she was someone he had talked to before he met me (almost 2 yrs ago), but they never went out. she called him, set up a meeting, started sending him nasty stuff 2 days ago and because he was "curious" he went to meet her- was completely turned off and realized he was screwing his life up- said he wasn't attratcted to her at all. Is now falling over himself trying to make it up to me. says he gave her a quick goodnight kiss and walked away from her as fast as possible- that she was even kind of creepy.
i believe they havn't slept together based on her txts (I saw the last few before he did).
I am trying to think about this from all sides- I know if some guy was throwing himself at me I might think twice too.
I have made it to my 30's without ever being cheated on, so, I'm lacking experience.
Have I become a fool?
Well, he's gone out before- i completely trust him (well, trusted)
On my way out the door this morning I just clicked on his phone to see if he had gotten my last txt from the night before since i didn't hear back from him...btw...he got hime at 2 am......well, some woman- Kym- had txtd all kinds of nasty things earlier that night and talked about what a good kisser he was. Wanted to know if he made it home ok. Said he needed to lust over her some more before she would sleep with him.
No response from him though.
I flipped- started hyperventilating and walked out the door- I had to get to work, he was passed out asleep. i left a note "wasn't snooping but found txts from kym. we need to talk"
he txtd me at work when he woke up- I was a complete mess before hearing from him thinking i was the biggest fool for trusting him- we have even tlkd about marriage this past week.
he said it was a woman who saw him at a kid's b-ball game last week. she was someone he had talked to before he met me (almost 2 yrs ago), but they never went out. she called him, set up a meeting, started sending him nasty stuff 2 days ago and because he was "curious" he went to meet her- was completely turned off and realized he was screwing his life up- said he wasn't attratcted to her at all. Is now falling over himself trying to make it up to me. says he gave her a quick goodnight kiss and walked away from her as fast as possible- that she was even kind of creepy.
i believe they havn't slept together based on her txts (I saw the last few before he did).
I am trying to think about this from all sides- I know if some guy was throwing himself at me I might think twice too.
I have made it to my 30's without ever being cheated on, so, I'm lacking experience.
Have I become a fool?
You're not going to like it.. but I am anything but bias or ignorant regarding these matters, and this is one that speaks volumes.
Let me know.
Personally, I would let this go ... and then watch him like a hawk.
Okay- ( and again.. no one but he will know for sure at this point, about his fidelity. As I've suggested, this is only my opinion).
I do not in the least believe that he is being faithful to you, and I do not think that this is the first time. This might be the first time that he has been "caught"... but from the very little bit that you've described, it is not at all making sense. The indicators of deception are very much glaringly obvious to me. Sometimes we demand proof and that is simply something that you can't have at this time. You are going to have to see inside him and really look at him in a less than forgiving way if you are going to find that solace in your heart. That is obviously what we all strive for as we never really know what happens when we are not there.
His explanation is very far-fetched and I must ask.. would you expect him to believe you if the circumstances had been reversed? I believe right off the bat that you were not simply looking at his phone to see if he had gotten your last text. After all.. he was home safe and sound... yes? Why wouldn't you have asked him at a later time if he had gotten your text?.. rather than picking up the phone while he was still sleeping, and why would you have been so inclined to read a text from someone? There were trust issues at that point and I suspect that there have been some issues like this in the past as well. We notoriously convince ourselves that everything is okay because it is what we want to believe... but whether consciously or unconsciously.. you were searching for something more.
Not a big deal.. but I also wonder why in 2 years you have only remained b/f & g/f, rather than getting married and also why you felt the need to have that alone time. Again.. not a "red-flag" so to speak.. as we all need time to ourselves and there are certainly some valid reasons for not marrying. These things don't raise my suspicion.. but I believe that you need to be honest with yourself in terms of how these two factors relate to the overall foundation and strength of the relationship.
Do you honestly believe that he hadn't talked to this woman in almost two years? I do not. He knew her two years ago but then ironically just saw her at a baseball game last week? I don't think so.
Okay.. when we are truly devoted to someone.. we do not ever feel curious to the point of setting up a meeting with someone that we have been out of touch with for so long. There would not only be no reason to do that, but it also speaks volumes in terms of his lack of respect for you and the lack of respect for the relationship. He consciously went behind your back to meet with her. And what was his relationship with her prior to becoming involved with you? That is something that you will probably never really know, and so it will take you looking deep into your heart for your true belief of his explanation. And the fact that she was sending him "nasty stuff' two days prior to him meeting her also indicates to me that he had not only a willingness but a desire to cheat. ( Again.. this is all assuming that he has been faithful throughout your relationship up until this point.. which again.. I do not believe. I'm just giving the benefit of the doubt here). He had two days to think about how this would be screwing up his life before he ever went to meet her. Is he honestly that stupid? I don't think so. Wasn't attracted to her? Maybe.. but it likely was not from just seeing her that night. It was more likely that his affair with her had possibly gotten out of hand and there quite possibly WERE legitimate reasons that he was turned off. That is not the point and he would have never said such a thing if he was truly conscious of how wrong his actions were. He ( from what you have said so far) has not begun to feel genuinely sorry for his actions.. only that he is sorry he was caught. That is why his "apology" comes along with him making excuses and defending his actions. Again.. he does not respect the sanctity of your relationship. I understand that you don't think he has yet slept with her, but there is possibly a good deal of that judgement that is clouded with what you want to believe, along with the fact that you have never found hard-evidence. I don't believe that they have or have not.. nor is it something that you should be primarily concerned with.. as there will likely never be proof found to the contrary. I also don't believe that you should concern yourself with that because ultimately it is your TRUST, your FAITH, and your BELIEF in him... present and future, that really is of more importance.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "...I might think twice too". Not sure if you care to elaborate on that, but it sounds as if you are trying to make excuses for him by trying to justify that you might have done something similar. If that is the case than that is another strong indicator of the possible volatility of your relationship with him.
Okay.. that is where I'm going to leave this for now, and I am very sorry that I feel so strongly about this, but I am sincere and when I read your post, I had a very hard time ignoring what you had said because of my perception into these kinds of situations. Could I be completely wrong about everything I've suggested? Absolutely. But I am presenting a side that I believe you must honestly consider and further explore if you are ever to have true piece of mind.. be that with or without him.
I will always speak as unbiasedly as I can, for I also consider all sides and would like nothing more for you to find that I am indeed wrong. I just don't think that I am.
((huge hugs)).. and you have my continued support and input if you feel the need.
Here is my honest opinion. Take it for what you will. I was cheated on by my ex fiance several times. He was a serial cheater, would always have stories, would always promise it wouldn't happen again. I eventually left him because he wasn't going to change and I deserved better. In my most recent relationship, the guy seemed like a total nice guy. He had a very busy job, and he was able to use his work schedule as a way to cover up an out of state relationship with another woman, a woman he got pregnant mind you. I left him too.
Here's the deal, if his story is valid he should have told this Kym chick he had a girlfriend. I'm sorry to say, but his story just doesn't jive with me as the whole truth. And it's very easy to delete his responses to her texts so it looks like he said nothing. I've heard it time and time again where the guy blames the girl, says she's crazy, creepy, she came onto him, ect. Why would he even go to her house in the first place?? If this was truly a platonic relationship he had with this women, then why didn't he mention it to you? Why would he be going to her home late at night??
My best friend is male, and when he was in a relationship he never hid me. He introduced his girlfriend to me, and she always knew if he was going to be hanging out with me. The same went for his other friends, male and female. He willingly told her where he was going and who he would be with.
In relationships of any kind, words are cheap and a dime a dozen, actions are a better indicator of the truth. It's up to you what you decide to do. And I'm truly sorry you are having to go through this. But I would certainly proceed with caution. If it was me, I would leave. But I also have a zero tolerance policy for cheating.
I wish you the very best. No matter what you choose, look at the facts with as open a mind as possible and always listen to your gut instinct. If your gut instinct doesn't feel good about something he does or says, listen.
This is just an old single guy talkin' here but I believe that love should be awesome, incredible, willing to die before the other feels an ounce of pain, live for their smile kinda thing. There are plenty of half-assed things in the world. Love shouldn't be one of them.
Oh yeah, the reason that I never cheated on either of my wives, even after was cheated on? Never had a thing to do with them. Its about who I want to see when I look in the mirror.
Just my opinion. Go with your heart. I wish you well. (Hugs)