So.... still no one knows.

Had my MRI on friday. The PT printed out the restults yesterday while I was in traction and read through it sharing with me the highlights and then let me read it and keep it when I was done in traction. The first line of the results "Essentiall unremarkable MRI of cervical spine."

So what does that mean. 1 - it mans my lower back may still be f**ked, but my upper back is good. 2 - it means I have been discharged from PT because we were treating something that wasn't actually there. 3 - It means that I am going back to the PCP. 4 - They have no idea what is wrong with me. 

When I was pregnant... I knew I was pregnant. I knew it was a baby. I couldn't explain it early on, but later I could feel it moving. I knew. But every pregancy test I took, home, hospital, pee, blood test... every one said I wasn't. I became a guinie pig for a slew of Drs who kept telling me I wasn't pregnant. I was told I had a tumor, I was told I may have cancer, I was told I may have a severe kidney infection, but most of all, I was explained over and over about psychosomatic symptoms. ... I was told I was crazy and making myself think I was pregnant. Know how I found out I was pregnant? After a very hard and strenuous day at work, I wound up in the emergency room with sharp pains that would not go away. The emergency room Dr asked me how long I had been pregnant. I gave him the list of all the things I had been told telling him I was not pregnant. As I talked, he put a stethoscope on my stomach, and when I finished he lifted his head and asked if anyone had listened to my stomach out of all the specialist I had seen. no. "Honey, tumors don't have heat beats. I will see you upstairs in maternity." I was 8 and a half months pregnant. 

This is really hard for me because I feel like I am going through the same things again. Each person I see has an opinion of what I have. Each person has run tests and found out they were wrong. The only difference is this time I have no idea what I have. I only know I hurt and I am sick of hurting. 

The only useful thing the physical therapist did yesterday was give me 2 five pound weights. Then we stood and talked. We talked about anything and everything, and after 15 minutes or so, I dropped the weight in my right hand. "Did you know you dropped it?"  I did when it hit my foot. "Did you mean to drop it?" No "Did you tell you hand to let go" No "Could you feel yourself holding it" No. Then he told me he was writing a recomendation for me to see a hand specialist and sending it to my Dr. He also gave me his opinion on what I had. Osteoarthritis of the hand. 

Here is what I am afraid of. I will start having Drs come to me and tell me the things I do not want to hear... all about psychosomatic symptoms. 

The difference now is I am a therapist. I probably know more about psychosomatic symptoms than those Drs who told me back then that I had it.

Here is the problem. I know I am in pain and that I have been in pain for years. If no one has an answer, I wish they would just tell me that. I wish they would just send me on my marry way. 

I would rather they cut my arm off than be told I am crazy again. You have no idea what being told that over and over does to you. I do. It helps me reach my clients. I know their pain. Their feelings of hopelessness. I understand their wirling swirling thoughts they get lost in and need help sorting out. I can be an advocate for them to help them find the help they need. I can help them write out the lists of questions they want answers to. I can help them sort through the maddness to find sanity... because no one was there to help me. And most people who elect to see a therapist do so because they know they are not crazy, just overwhelmed past being able to handle it themselves. 

Now here I am again. I have moments where I can think clearly and write out a few notes on what I need to do. These usually come when some kind rational person gives me a boost ... otherwise I am just get lost in the swirl of what feels like crazy.

I can go back on medications, but they just mask it in a veil of happy... not really help. I mean, they take the edge off, which helps, but I think about things so much that I just think about what the pills are doing for my mind and body, which renders them ineffective because I just think myself into more swirls. 

Time for me to suck it up and go to work. I am meeting with a young man's school to help them put in place some emotional considerations while his grandpa is dying. 

another day. 

:) Susie