Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Ok, this is pretty long, wordy, and covers only parts of my issues so I apologize in advance.
Some quick bullet points:
- I have had depression/issues for years and meds can bring me up to functional but not where I want to be.
- I have great ideas/thoughts/things I want to do but hardly ever follow through even if I do get excited happy about something
- I know my issues cause problems in my marriage but my wife is a big part of the problem as well. She is constantly negative, I try to bring up things that she does bad/has issues/whatever and she always turns it back on my and blames me for things.
- We have 2 kids and they love me and I them, but they prefer me over my wife and when they get the I want daddy she gets pi$$y and says Whats so great about daddy, when I am right there.
- When I do get up and get a project or something done (even ones my wife wants/asks/tells me to do) she is negative and criticize or just ignores it or if it was something I wanted to do (build shelves in garage) she says I dont care. Ex. I built a pretty large swing set/club house in back yard (it was a kit) in the backyard, spent close to 30-40 hours total with very little help from anyone and when I was finishing up all she said was, there is a screw sticking out on the roof. No, it looks nice or anything. Whenever I do any projects she acts this way.
- We have 2 dogs that my wife and I got together (2 separate times) before we were married but living together. They are not bad dogs (they chew things occasionally and they do bark way too much) but other than that they are good. She says she hates them now and wants to get rid of them and I told her that is not happening unless a friend/family member would take BOTH of them so they can stay together and I can visit them. Obviously that didnt happen, and all she does is constantly b!tch about them, even when they are not doing anything.
- Everything things like that happen (or just much more often) I feel like I just want our relationship to be over, but if it does I know I won't get to see the kids every day, let alone a couple times a week, and I couldnt live without seeing them every day.
- I have friends and bring up parts of this to get their advice but they dont know her. The only one that I can talk to that knows her well enough (and I know well enough) is her sister (which we have been friends for a long time) but she is her sister and I may say things in confidence and even if her sister doesnt say anything on purpose (she wouldnt) something may come out in 1 way or another. I know because it did before and my wife was P!SSED that I talked with someone else about it, especially her sister.
I know a lot of the above revolves around my wife and I have tried to talk about some things, even using email, and even suggested therapy, and she freaks about the therapy, and she just bitches and ignores the stuff I said to her if I had concerns/issues.
I am in no way perfect and my personal issues make it a bit more difficult, but my step daughter (she is 22) and my wifes mom and sister both see the same issues I do, so I know it is not just me seeing it or blaming her for things but every time I try to say/do something it doesnt happen. But when she finally brings something up I did/didnt do/caused issues she can bring it up and I try to calm it down and take partial responsibility, which may/may not be true (that it was somehow my fault) but if she does this and I even mention that it could be something she did/does she gets even worse.
I have been on tons of different meds, I have been to therapy and even had 2 separate councilors tell me there was nothing they could do to help because they could find no root cause or anything.
I think my wife doesnt want to do therapy or hear what she may be doing wrong because either consciously or subconsciously she knows she is at fault for at least half if not more of our issues as a couple.
So I am at a loss!
Some quick bullet points:
- I have had depression/issues for years and meds can bring me up to functional but not where I want to be.
- I have great ideas/thoughts/things I want to do but hardly ever follow through even if I do get excited happy about something
- I know my issues cause problems in my marriage but my wife is a big part of the problem as well. She is constantly negative, I try to bring up things that she does bad/has issues/whatever and she always turns it back on my and blames me for things.
- We have 2 kids and they love me and I them, but they prefer me over my wife and when they get the I want daddy she gets pi$$y and says Whats so great about daddy, when I am right there.
- When I do get up and get a project or something done (even ones my wife wants/asks/tells me to do) she is negative and criticize or just ignores it or if it was something I wanted to do (build shelves in garage) she says I dont care. Ex. I built a pretty large swing set/club house in back yard (it was a kit) in the backyard, spent close to 30-40 hours total with very little help from anyone and when I was finishing up all she said was, there is a screw sticking out on the roof. No, it looks nice or anything. Whenever I do any projects she acts this way.
- We have 2 dogs that my wife and I got together (2 separate times) before we were married but living together. They are not bad dogs (they chew things occasionally and they do bark way too much) but other than that they are good. She says she hates them now and wants to get rid of them and I told her that is not happening unless a friend/family member would take BOTH of them so they can stay together and I can visit them. Obviously that didnt happen, and all she does is constantly b!tch about them, even when they are not doing anything.
- Everything things like that happen (or just much more often) I feel like I just want our relationship to be over, but if it does I know I won't get to see the kids every day, let alone a couple times a week, and I couldnt live without seeing them every day.
- I have friends and bring up parts of this to get their advice but they dont know her. The only one that I can talk to that knows her well enough (and I know well enough) is her sister (which we have been friends for a long time) but she is her sister and I may say things in confidence and even if her sister doesnt say anything on purpose (she wouldnt) something may come out in 1 way or another. I know because it did before and my wife was P!SSED that I talked with someone else about it, especially her sister.
I know a lot of the above revolves around my wife and I have tried to talk about some things, even using email, and even suggested therapy, and she freaks about the therapy, and she just bitches and ignores the stuff I said to her if I had concerns/issues.
I am in no way perfect and my personal issues make it a bit more difficult, but my step daughter (she is 22) and my wifes mom and sister both see the same issues I do, so I know it is not just me seeing it or blaming her for things but every time I try to say/do something it doesnt happen. But when she finally brings something up I did/didnt do/caused issues she can bring it up and I try to calm it down and take partial responsibility, which may/may not be true (that it was somehow my fault) but if she does this and I even mention that it could be something she did/does she gets even worse.
I have been on tons of different meds, I have been to therapy and even had 2 separate councilors tell me there was nothing they could do to help because they could find no root cause or anything.
I think my wife doesnt want to do therapy or hear what she may be doing wrong because either consciously or subconsciously she knows she is at fault for at least half if not more of our issues as a couple.
So I am at a loss!
Paul.
I understand what you are saying, I/ we have been going through many of the same issues. after 30 yrs together i still feel the same as you about many issues, counceling included.
After all these years we have somehow learned to be nice, and that was a difficult thing .
I am still depressed but i am firm in my comitment to the marriage and that has helped
good luck
Michael
I'm not in a relationship, and have never had a long term relationship, so I may not be the perfect person to offer advice, but I thought maybe my suggestions might have merit. It's up to you if you want to try them.
Annie
i don't know, it seems like if you continue to live like this it may eat away at your spirit. if you are financially able, i would really consider leaving, why be miserable if you don't have to?
I've lived with a woman that can be negative like that for twenty four years. We've stayed married because we respect each other as parents to our children and we're both caring compasionate people to others. If my wife hadn't of been the wonderful mother that she is I wouldn't have stayed married to her. Another reason we're together is because we don't think anyone else would have either one of us.I really hope you and your wife can get things to improving really soon. All the best to you and yours.
I know I am not perfect by any meas vand I try maybe not hard enoughb but I try. Sbhe doesn't seem to try or care edspecially when I b rought up a topic very nicely letting her know some things she does hurts [when I accomplish somethimg I am excited abour] she either just doesn't c=lre or makes comments why did u do 8it "that way"
Pluswe r togethber amost all the time. Not good quality jut time. I made a suggestion a while ago 8I get kids mon wed u get them tur thurs and on our off days wed can do whatever we want o n our own clean ho7use. Do project. Leave house. Hang with friends. 9or just sleep. She hated the idea.
Bcause of that and other things when we r home together it feels like I almost have to entertain her! Like we can't do our own things.
I hve few friends but really good ones and don't get to sre them often. Work people are just skmall talk s9o I camn go weeks without talking toany adult but her. While she has her sisters. Friends and people she works with but when I w@t mtime she can't deal/handle the kids.
Ok. Sory for ventingv just feoling really cr@ppy now but tis helped a little. Later
The best advise that I have ever received is "I can only change me and how I react or don't react or whatever"
If I want a person to change, I have to be the change. I can't force anyone to understand and to change, but I can change what I tolerate, etc.
It takes a very, very long time to sort of 'be this person" that I've become, but it starts with just understanding.
You can't change her, but you can change YOU.
When she told you that a nail was sticking out after you built the entire playscape, I might have handed her a hammer or a screw driver and told her to fix it herself.
Then I would have dusted my hands off, walked inside and had an ice cold drink.
Then, I might have taken pictures of my wonderful project that I had worked so hard on, and put them on the fridge or FB or whatever.
I would have taken pride in my work. She can't give you what you need, but you can. It's all inside of you.
Sigh...sorry for rambling, but it's true.
Be the change that you want to make happen. She can join you or stay behind.....