Hello to you. I am not familiar with you or of your history... I do not "know" you - so I am not going to pretend that I understand your pain. I do not.

But, what I do know is that I care. I have been in dark, desperate places..... I have cried out - reached out. Hoping that someone..... ANYONE would show compassion. Signs of love. The way humanity **ought** to exist. I am guessing you are kinda in that place. Where you are sick of the cruelty of life, on the inhuman way that many people treat each other. On the simple need to know that YOU matter.

Well - you do. I am sitting here, one thousand miles to the north of you and I am telling you that you matter. You matter to God. You matter to me. I am offering you a warm, friendly embrace.

I know meds are iffy.... I am in that same boat. I have not great answer on that stuff. But it really is true that when things are at that awful darkest moment - you are probably just hours away from a total change.

Maybe it is the sun shinning on your face. Maybe it is the realization that winter is ending and nice times are coming soon. Maybe it is seeing some random toddler giggling. Maybe it is the baby two pews away from you in church that smiles at you....

I do not know what will turn things around for you..... but I know God WILL help if you will allow him to help.

Gods blessings to you.

Just breathe. Then go for a walk. Then come back to your journal and vent away. The walk will help your mind work out what you want to write if you even feel like writing it by then. .

But been there many times and sometimes the walls just seem to close in on you so helps to just drop every thing and get out into the open and get some fresh air.

Hugs and I agree just breathe. Just try to do one thing like walking or take a nap. It will get better.

Boy do I know how you feel. It seems like crap keeps coming your way and you just cant find one piece of happiness in anything. I felt like i was in this long black tunnel and there was no way out. I didnt even have it in me to try to get out. I was just done. Done with everything.

One I finally had what Im calling a breakdown. It was evening and I just lost it. I cried so hard (nothing new in crying because I was doing it on almost a daily basis) that I started getting angry. Angry at crying, at feeling bad, at trying to listen to everyones crap on how to get better, everything. Luckily I was home alone, but I just started screaming. Screaming into the air at the "higher being" and both my deceased parents on WHY? WHY do they continue to let me feel this way if they had loved me so much and was looking for me to protect me? Why let me feel this way for so long and not to see a positive side to life. I actually told them that i was done fighting and that if I was to continue feeling this way to please just take my life. I didnt want to be here anymore If I had to continue this way. Granted, I would NEVER take my own life, but I was quite content with them taking it for me and just not letting me wake up the next morning.

I fell asleep that night so miserable, but when I woke up the next morning, there I was, breathing. I felt a little better at the fit I had, but I was still sad. I then realized I am the only one to make things better for me. I cant rely on someone else to do it. I have made an effort though. Im seeing a therapist, taking meds, recently started listening to positive affirmation through youtube, listening to hypnosis on building a better self esteem.

I hope you find something to help you out a little. The internet is a wonderful place to research.

hello again...i'm back...and i am calmer...but still feel like crap...i dont care about anything ...cant do anything...dont want to do anything...i havent felt well in a very long time...

i used to want to take care of everything...control everthing...fix everthing...i was a volunteer....worked with the homeless....helped support education...did stuff at church....i wanted to be a doctor...but everyday i see that dream get further and further away from me...i cant think...cant focus...cant learn...and it is not that i cant...its that i dont want to...i dont have the will to do anything...


i have no reason to feel this way...i have everything i want...i know life is not this hard but i cant deal with it....with life...i just dont want to deal with the everyday dealings of life

I think it's just a case of baby steps at the moment to get moving again. Try to just take it one day at a time.

Hi honey. I am sorry you are hurting so bad. You haven't posted for quite a long time. And I think it does help you to vent like you just did. I believe you have feelings, even though you say you don't. I don't want to be nosy but I want to help you. However, I don't know what has changed so drastically in your life to make you feel so horrible. Are you up to sharing or would you rather not? You mentioned that you see a therapist and that isn't helping? Is it possible that this isn't the right therapist for your needs? I have had to fire a couple of them because they actually made me feel worse. That is not what is suppose to happen. I believe you are worthy. I do believe that you are hurting so bad that nothing seems right at the moment. I have to say, being JUST my opinion, that you HAVE hit bottom and that is why you are so sad, mad, and asking for help to get rid of this awful pain you are suffering. Please post and let us know how we can help. Or maybe you just want the chance to vent and don't want opinions, just someone to listen. That you always have. Hugs GB

to GB and others...

thanks for the responses...i dont know and i dont care...i guess i am just venting...not that it helps cause nothing helps...

been in bed for about a week and a half...and i just dont want to get up out of bed...i am slowly dropping out of all my classes cause i just dont care to do anything...

i want to die but cant because i have to take care of stuff but i cant cause i dont want to and i dont care...see? there is that damn spiraling cycle again...

i just dont want or care to do anythinng...my phones are all turned off...i dont do anything i have to do...i dont want to do anything..just leave me alone and let me die...but i cant do that either...

i cant really ask for help cause i wont do anything...i've tried and it just doesnt work...

like i said...i am just venting...trying to see if that helps but it doesnt....

normally i just write this crapin my journal...but it doesnt work from my phone and i dont care to get up and turn on my computer...so i am posting here...sorry to bother yall but i just dont know what to do...

actually...that is a lie...i do know what to do...i just dont want to do it...i want to forget about everything and just die...but i dont have the courage or strength to do that...

i have lost it all...my joy...my will to live...my dreams...they ars all just gone...and i feel dead on the inside...i look dead on the outside...and i just want to die...

whose faulttt is it?...no ones...just mine...my therapist is nice and gives me suggestions but i dont do them...i dont do what i know i have to do...much less what someone else tells me to do...that just makes me mad....not her fault...all mine...i just suck and want to die... but i cant...story of my life!

I spent about 20 years being in the same space that you are talking about. Didn't care----woulnd't or couldn't help myself or do what others suggested I do----wanted to die-----etc. etc. So, yes I can relate! What did I do? Well, it didn't all happen over night and I do still struggle quite a bit, but today I can say that I have hope and no longer want it all to just end. Meds didnt' work for me either and I spent years and years and a lot of money on therapy which didn't really help either. But I did hold on for my 15 year old son because I knew that if he lost me he would be devastated. That was step one for me. Then I joined a clubhouse drop in center for people with mental illness. Basically this was a place for people to socialize, eat lunch, enjoy activities with others and also a place to find temporary employment. I didnt' think I could work but I wanted to work so I gave it a try. It's nothing earth shattering----I work nine hours a week washing dishes at a health food store for minimum wage. The people are great and that has helped me get stronger. Also I do neurofeedback treatments and try to get away as much as possible. Taking trips, even for just a day or two really helps my depression. We dont' have a lot of money but these trips are an investment in my mental health, so it's worth it to us.