You say you have 'turned' to cutting. How does that unpack? What was the plan when you turned to it? What made you consider it a viable cure for depression?

We all have mental anguish and I personally think humans don't like it when their body doesn't match their emotions. there are two ways to go on this if you feel bad emotionally:

1. make yourself feel bad physically to match;
2. make yourself feel good emotionally to match.

One of them is easy. Hurting your body is easy.
Facing the emotional pain is the hard thing. and if you haven't been raised with the skills to do it, you don't know what to do.

But facing the emotional pain and accepting it and earthing it like a lightning bolt through your body and your soul is the ONLY logical and sensible solution.

It's the only way to end up with a healthy functioning body, and a healthy functioning soul, and a healthy functioning mind.

And to choose to do anything else is to choose to fail.

I turned to cutting because it was something I had control over. I control the knife, I control how many cuts, I control how deep they are. I had lost my first boyfriend to a tragic accident about 5 years ago. Then a year after I lost a close friend to Leukemia, then a year ago I lost my father to his Alcoholism. I had to make the choice to put him on a ventilator and then the choice to pull the plug because there was nothing the doctors could do to further help him. I had little to no control over any of these events that happened and I saw cutting as something that I could control. It's a release.

That is a lot of really difficult stuff to have to deal with. I admire your strength in just getting through all of that.

I can relate to you on the self harm. Bridgie is, as always, has very good succinct thoughts.

Are you seeing anyone in a professional sense? That is something you should try to do as they will have good ideas for coping. In the meantime things I do that help me cope with the depression and avoid self harm are writing, reading, knitting, long walks . . . but really it just has to be whatever it is that distracts you or brings your mind calm.

Hugs!

Self cutting is addictive. I have read a lot about it because the ways that I self-harm are not talked about or written about, but are similar. It is addictive because the desire for having some control is very basic. It is also addictive because the body releases certain chemicals when you are bleeding that make you feel better. Why it should surprise anybody that a person in pain would consider doing almost anything to feel better is beyond me. However, many people do not know much about this, including mental health professionals. That being said, I will repeat what TooMuch said, Find a professional to help you get better. Just make sure they are experienced in helping those who self harm.
As far as controlling yourself, it is not easy. I try to do things that make me feel happy instead. It is ironic that we get trapped in an addiction, trying to gain control. I use anger about that irony for strength to avoid self-harming, at times. I know you have a lot to of strength to have survived all of those tragedies and can use that strength and self control to help yourself. I suppose the first thing you need to do is to believe that you can control the urges and that you deserve a better live and happiness. Starting from there, try to see it as an adventure where you will learn things about yourself and about life. Ask for help as you feel the need. Build something better for yourself.
Obviously, this struck a chord in me and made me very long winded. I hope it helps.

Sorry for your suffering. Your life is too important to hurt yourself. Find a good therapist with experience dealing with cutting. Find some healthy way to have control like exercise that releases good chemicals. Vent here to release emotions and hurtful thoughts for support. Friend me if you want.